Principles for Peace

photo by:  Material Boy

Over two years ago I read this story and it is something that I have remembered to this day.  Whether it is true or not, I have no way of knowing, but it certainly could be true.  It’s message is extremely powerful so I wanted to share it with you.

Bank Account

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with his hair fashionably coiffed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, Read More »

Last week I found myself in the complaining mode.  I admit it.  I’m going to be EXTREMELY busy over the next  five weeks. I’m either having company or traveling (or both!) each weekend over these next five weeks.  And one week in there my whole week is likely to be wiped out with activities.  And you know the stress the holidays can bring anyway…  Well, finally the song, “God is so Good” came to my mind and instantly my perspective starting changing.  I realized how blessed I truly am!!  Just today I thought to myself, “I’ve been complaining about all this traveling and company.  You know I should just be thankful that I have family to go visit and to visit me.  Not everyone is so blessed.  And I have an opportunity to get out of the norm for a bit and to see things from a different perspective.  But, that’s not what this post is about……

photo by: hammer 51012

I’ve been excited about this post for quite some time now.  I knew what I wanted to do for my Thanksgiving (the next US holiday) post several weeks ago.  You see, I have been blogging for almost a year now (here in just a couple of weeks) and I have been so blessed by it.  I have made some INCREDIBLE friends and had some great opportunities as I have been blogging.  I have been thinking about how incredible you are and how incredibly blessed I am by you, my blogging friends, readers, and commenters.  Without you it would all be pointless.  I want to take this special time to say: Read More »

“Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service, and character.”  - William Arthur Ward

It’s no secret.  We live in a me, me, me world.  We want everything our own way and we want it now.  “It’s my way or the highway,” some say.  Some people see absolutely nothing wrong with this philosophy.  In fact, there are probably some people reading this right now that fall into that group.  You may be saying, “I have to have that philosophy or I’ll get run over in this rat race of a world.”  If that is your philosophy let me ask one question - ok, maybe three - “Do you enjoy being around other people with this attitude?  Have you ever had or seen a good boss that possessed this attitude?  Have you ever been around a person in authority with this philosophy that was effective?”  Chances are you have not.

So, why would you want to be humble in this “me” world?

In SFT, I learned early on in my lessons that humility was necessary in order to process and remove emotional pain.  I was told and I have learned by experience that if humility is not in place then it is impossible to remove the pain of an event or situation.  It’s totally useless to every try.  We also call humility the “me factor” in SFT.  I was trained to ask myself, “How’s my ’me factor on a scale of 1-10?’” before even attempting to process pain.  If humility is not there the pain will remain.  I knew first hand that this was going to be one of the most difficult lessons for me to master.  I was right and selfishness is very easy for me to slip back into if I’m not watching.  As a matter of fact, recently I have noticed myself letting the old selfish bug creep in.  It’s no wonder I’ve been struggling in some other areas as well.  But, pain processing is not the only benefit of humility.

As I was thinking about this post and planning out what to say it all the sudden hit me.  There are so many ironies associated with humility.  What I want to discover today is:

The Misconceptions vs. the Reality of Humility:

Myth 1:  Humility means letting people run all over you.  It means you are no good.

Reality:  Humility requires confidence - confidence in self and in God - to the extent that you don’t need to have everything your way.

Myth 2:  Humility means you are weak.

Reality:  Humility is strength under control.

Myth 3:  Humility is for stupid people.

Reality:  Humility requires wisdom - wisdom to see what the outcome will be if you always demand to have things your way.  (pss.-  No one will want to be around you plus you will be miserable.)

Myth 4:  Having humility means everyone will look down on you. 

Reality:  People will respect you if you consider their needs and wants and let them have their way sometimes.  (Four of the men that I have respected the most in my life were the most humble men I have ever known.)

Myth 5:  Having humility means that you don’t deserve anything and will never have anything.

Reality:  At the root of humility is gratitude.  Gratitude recognizes all the blessing you have even though you don’t deserve them.  True gratitude will lead to more blessings than you could ever imagine.

Myth 6:  You’ll always be a low man on the totem pole if you’re humble.  You have to lift yourself up or nobody else will.

Reality:  The results of humility are that you will be lifted up. 

“Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord and He will exalt you.”                    - James 4:10

Myth 7:  You can’t be humble if you are a leader.

Reality:  You will never be a leader if you are not humble (even though you may be in a leadership position).

Myth 8:  I will never get what I want if I’m humble.  Reality:

“The only way to get what you want is to help other people get what they want.”    - Zig Ziglar

Myth 9:  If you are humble you can’t have your way about everything.

Reality:  This one is actually true.  The only downside is that if you demand that the world revolve around you then you will be miserable and disappointed at best.

“What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God.”  - Monica Baldwin

 If humility is such a good thing then, “How do I get it?” 

* One thing that has helped me the most along this continual journey is to focus on my blessings.  At one point I wrote down all the blessings I could think of and I reviewed the list daily.  This really got me to see how truly blessed I am even though I don’t deserve the blessings (that is not a “poor pitiful me” mentality).

* Checking your motives is another good way to work on humility.  Is it all about you?  How pure are your motives - honestly?

* Increase your self esteem.  There’s a number of ways to do this.  Work on yourself.  In other words, focus on growth.  Set specific goals for things you can work on.  Read the Bible and other helpful books to gain ideas. 

* Draw near to God.

* Do something constructive and worthwhile.  Be creative and get to work.

* Practice noticing the interests and needs of others and act accordingly.

In other news:

* If you want to learn more about SFT Awareness I encourage you to read my recent post at Jenny Mannion’s blog.

* The P4P Bookstore is finally open!  Come on in a relax.  Browse around to find some books for your personal growth. 

I think it is pretty safe to say that peace of mind is only possible if we learn to stop rumination or negative thinking.  In a recent post by Dr. Nicole Sundene of Kitchen Table Medicine, Dr. Nicole discussed whether or not we can always think positive.  I think it is safe to say that we can train our minds to always have a positive attitude, but let’s face it we are all humans and negative thoughts can creep up.  Today’s post will focus on what to do when negative thoughts do come to mind.

In SFT Awareness, we teach students how to process and remove emotional pain which prevents and eliminates most depression.  It’s similar to Tim Brownson’s teaching of reframing.  There’s something very valuable that we teach students in SFT that prevents them from completing a behaviour cycle that leads to depression and addictions.  It’s called stopping rumination.  What is rumination you ask?  Rumination was a word that I had actually never heard of before learning SFT. 

Rumination is basically a fancy word for negative thinking.  Rumination occurs when a pain event happens - anything you don’t like.  When something happens that a person doesn’t like a process starts that is very similar to cows chewing their cud.  The person will draw on past similar negative experiences.  One negative thought leads to another and another and another.  Then the person will go back to the first thought and chew on it some more and then the next thought and chew on it - over and over again the person thinks about all the negatives of something he/she doesn’t like.  As one of my teachers, Gary Washer, puts it, it is like someone losing their keys and then looking for them in the same places over and over again.  Ever done that?  I know I have.

If someone allows rumination to take place, depression is right around the corner.  Notice I used the word “allows.”  This implies that something can be done about it.  So….

How can you stop negative thinking in its tracks?

1.  The first step in stopping negative thinking is to become aware that you are thinking negative. That may sound silly, but once you start to become conscious of it, you’ll be surprised.  Remember that a pain event is anything you don’t like.  So start to become aware or conscious of things you don’t like.  Notice when you first begin feeling angry, frustrated, sad, stressed or any negative feeling.  That’s the first step.  Train yourself to become conscious.

2.  Make a decision not to think about or dwell on the situation or thing UNTIL you are calmed down and in a better frame of mind. (more on that later.) (Click here to see what the ideal conditions are).

3.  Watch your self talk.

*  Some people at this point may say.  “I can’t stop thinking negative.”  Well if you tell yourself that, then guess what?  ….You can’t.  Change your self talk to “I don’t have to think negative.  I don’t like this and that’s okay, but I choose not to let it ruin my life.  I choose to think positive.  I can stop rumination.  I choose to have peace of mind” This is very liberating!

*  Remind yourself: “What I think on expands.” If you choose to think on the problem the problem will get bigger.  If you tell yourself at this point that “good and opportunities will come from this” your subconscious will begin trying to figure out how good can come from it even though you are not consciously thinking about it.      At this time I like to remind myself of one of my favorite Bible verses: 

“For God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to his purpose.” - Romans 8:28

Then move on….

4.  Replace the time you normally spend in negative thinking with something else. In other words, distract the mind.  A hobby is a great thing to get involved in - especially one that involves the mind.  If you have a hobby you enjoy then participate in that hobby at this time.  If you don’t have a hobby, then find one.  Do a Google search for hobbies if you need to do so.  Be creative.

5.  Draw near to God. Prayer and Bible study will help to turn your focus off of yourself and onto God instead.  I like to remind myself that life is about God, not me.   One thing that helps me stop ruminating more than anything else are these two CD’s:  Glorious God a Cappella Worship and Awesome God: An a Cappella Worship Series. It put’s my life in perspective fast!  (I love these CD’s!).

6.  Think on good things. Think about all the blessings you have and dwell on them.  The best way I have found to do this is to make a list of my blessings at a time when I’m not already upset and then keep it with me.  If a pain event occurs I can pull out my list and read it over and over again.  It sure beats thinking negative thoughts over and over again.

Now, you’re one step closer to having peace of mind….

Happy peaceful living!

For further help on learning to think positive I recommend the great one minute affirmations at:  Think Positive Blog.

What are some ways that you prevent negative thinking?

Who can explain how this picture relates to this post?

photo by:  tonystl

Does the thought of paying the bills make you cringe? If so, you are not alone.

This post is a special request from none other than Dr. Nicole Sundene. I bet she never thought I would actually write a post with this title. I find it interesting that Dr. Nicole wrote a post about heartburn after suggesting that I write one about “the art of peaceful bill paying.” It must be a really sour task for her. At first I just laughed at this suggestion (which I think she meant for me to do), but then I put some more thought into it and asked myself, “How many people do struggle with this bill paying stuff?” Do you? Bill paying used to be one of my husband’s biggest soap boxes. He would rant and rave and rant and rave about it and then rant some more. So the more I thought about it, the more I realized this was a real issue for people. Can we find peace in bill paying??? While I don’t claim to be a financial expert, I have learned a lot and I have some suggestions that just might help you have some peace about paying your bills:

1. My first suggestion to find peace in bill paying is to set aside some intentional alone time when you are rested and fresh where you can think clearly with no distractions. In order for us to ever move forward to better things in any area of our lives, we must first uncover the problem or our negative thoughts that are causing us mental anguish. So, in this situation, we must first uncover what we do not like about bill paying. Then we can replace it with some good thoughts. So at this time you have set aside, ask yourself some questions and write down the answers….

What are your thoughts and feelings about bill paying? What is it that I do not like about paying bills? Is it the time it takes to pay them? Do I hate letting go of my money? Do I not have enough money to pay my bills? Am I giving the majority of my money to credit card companies? Am I paying for things that aren’t really important? Uncover what it is exactly. Keep asking yourself questions until you figure out what is causing the anguish. Asking “why?” repeatedly after asking the initial questions may be very beneficial to get to the root of the problem.

2. Simplify! Simplify! and/or get a better and higher paying job. Look at your bills. Are you struggling to have enough money to pay your bills? If so, the problem is either one of two things here. Either there is an overspending issue or a higher paying job or career path is the answer.

Are you spending money on things and more things that promise to bring you happiness, but never do? Are the things you are buying or putting on your credit card leaving you empty and broke? If so, this is an overspending issue caused by a lack of inner peace (therefore, you’re looking for happiness on the outside) or maybe it’s just a lack of control. Learning to control your spending or simplifying your life to the things that really bring you happiness and peace and then identifying and eliminating the things that do not may be the key. Remember this rule: Don’t spend what you don’t have.  Thankfully, money managment is a skill that can be learned. My favorite financial guru and teacher is Dave Ramsey. His books: The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness, The Total Money Makeover Workbook, The Financial Peace Planner: A Step-by-Step Guide to Restoring Your Family’s Financial Health are life changing. Learning from his time tested principles has changed the way I think about money.

If you are living on the basics and still don’t have enough money then it’s time to do some soul searching and either change jobs or find your purpose and vision in life. Are you settling for the job you have now? You’re worth more than that! You were made for greatness not mediocrity!

3. As Tim Brownson says, Attitude is Everything! although Doc KC says some other factors play a role in our thinking. (Doc KC has some very valid points, but I have to say I lean more towards Tim’s view on this one, as I think Benny Greenberg would as well.)

Now that we have uncovered the negative thoughts that go along with bill paying, we have to find some positive thoughts to replace them. And it is possible that these positive thoughts will lead to the ugly word….. action. Oh no! Don’t fret though. It will all be worth it. It’s all changes for the better.

Try to look for the opposite of the negative thought you have uncovered or for the action it would require to make it positive.

Do you have enough money to pay your bills? It’s time to hit your knees and thank God for all the ways He has blessed you. Heading into paying the bills with this attitude of gratitude will change how you look at paying the bills. As you write each bill thank God for the money to pay that one. You may even start to look forward to paying the bills!

Do you not have enough money to pay the bills? Great! Yes, that’s right - Great! Look for opportunites ahead. You always have a choice in everything you do. I will say that again - You always have a choice in everything you do. Thank God for all the opportunities ahead that will make it possible to pay the bills and start looking for the opportunities and make it happen.

Is it a lack of time that is plaguing you? Great! This is an opportunity to learn and apply some time management skills.

Are you still paying for your student loans? Be thankful that you had and took to opportunity to go to school.

In other words, start programing your mind to think gratitude, solution and opportunity instead of yuck, yuck, yuck, not again!

4. And lastly, learn the art of online bill pay.  Just make sure your internet connection is secure before you do this. At one time my husband threatened to feed all the bills to the garbage disposal. Then one day he happened to discover this online bill pay thing and every since then he has been one happy camper. It takes him about one minute to get on, click “make payment” and he’s done. This has taken so much hassle out of bill paying and has given him much peace.

Happy peaceful bill paying to you!

What are the things that cause you anguish in bill paying?

What have you learned that brings you peace in bill paying?

To read the precious articles in this series please go to:

Are You a Puppet on Strings? - Taking Back Control of Your Life
Steps to Happiness – Part 2Steps to Happiness - Part 3 - Does this Stuff Really Work?
Steps to Happiness – Part 4 - Who is Master?
Steps to Happiness – Part 5 - Choose What Kind of Chicken You’ll be before an Egg Hatches
Steps to Happiness - Part 6 - Happy People Don’t Seek Happiness

A thankful heart is the parent of all virtues.

- Cicero

This last article on Steps to Happiness has come to be my favorite although I didn’t know it would at the time. This gratititude thing has presented itself to me over and over again and I soon came to see that as Cicero said it truly is the “parent of all virutes.” The more this idea presents itself and the more I think about it the more I come to see that it is the foundation of all the other steps. Maybe it should have been first. But, then again maybe the other steps are necessary in order to be grateful…..I guess you could look at it both ways. Either way, I’m just being constantly reminded that I need improvement in this area of my life (and for that I’m grateful!).

As this idea kept presenting itself me I was refered to a book. After researching the book I can say that it will be my next purchase (soon) and one that I can recommend to my readers. It is called Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. I can’t say it’s a “new science,” but it certainly looks like something we can all learn from. (Don’t you love how in this world of blogging we can end a sentence with a preposition.:) I always wanted to do that. My English teachers would not be proud. :))

When we take on this new attititude (really, it’s like a whole world view) and TRULY INTERNALIZE it, it changes how we see EVERYTHING and how we think and act and treat everyone including ourselves.

Well, enough babbling……

Gratitude….

Does it ever seem like you just don’t have anything? Do you often find yourself complaining about the things you don’t have? Are you not getting what you want out of relationships? These are serious issues for many people and it seems like a solution is nowhere in sight. So what can be done about it?

Developing and maintaining an attitude of gratitude is a must in order to find solutions to these problems and to lead a life of happiness. Without this attitude one will lead a miserable life at best, but with it the blessings abound. So the question arises, “If it is so important then what is it and how do I achieve it?” That’s the question I asked for a long time. Discovering the secret was life transforming.

I remember the first time that I encountered someone who had a true spirit of gratitude. I totally could not understand it. I remember thinking “I wish I could be like that.” – not realizing that I really could be. She had always been one of my favorite people, but it wasn’t until this day that I figured out why. Her husband was basically in a vegetable state and at the point of death and she said to me, “He may not live, much longer. I’m just thankful for the time we’ve had together.” I thought, “Wow, that is an amazing attitude!”

What is an attitude of gratitude?

Before we go any further, we need to recognize that attitude is a mindset; it’s a way of life, a constant way of being – of looking at things. It is something that we internalize. We define gratitude as being thankful. So we could define attitude of gratitude as a constant spirit or state of thankfulness.

So how do I develop this attitude?

First, and probably the most obvious recommendation, look around at all the people who have it worse than you do. There is always someone out there that is in worse shape than you are. If you’re not convinced then watch the news (although I try not to do that because it is so negative.) You will always find someone who is in a more troubling situation than you. It will put you in your place very fast.

Second, recognize that EVERY blessing you have is a gift from God – everything from, a roof over your head, to food to eat, to (hot) water to take a bath, to the people in your life, to the air that you breath, to life itself, to time. Not only is it a gift from God, it is a gift from God that you do not even deserve. This is not a “poor pitiful me, I’m not good enough for anything” attitude. It is exactly the opposite - recognizing how truly blessed you are and realizing that we are all sinful people that God chooses to bless anyway. He just blesses those people much more who live their lives for Him (I am not talking monetarily, although it can be included).

Truly happy people recognize that everything they have is not only a gift that they don’t deserve, but that it is a gift to be used for God’s glory. (This attitude changes how you treat everyone.) God really blesses these people. They also recognize that any of it could be taken away at any time and that is okay because they never really even deserved it in the first place.

When you view everything as a gift something almost magical happens. These things begin to transform into something beautiful. If we treat the people in our lives as a gift, then our relationships start to change and take on a whole new beautiful form.

Third, focus on what you DO have, not on what you do not have. There’s a secret. It goes like this: What you focus on expands. If you think about and focus on what you do not have you will just keep having nothing because nothing expanded is still nothing. If you focus on what you do have, you will be amazed at the blessings that come into your life. (Focusing on positive things always creates more positive thoughts. Focusing on negative things always creates more negative thoughts.)

Fourth, give of your abundance – your newly discovered blessings- cheerfully (even if it seems like very little). You always get back in direct proportion to what you give. If you give a little, you get a little back. If you give a lot you get a lot back.

Remember how we deal with life is always a choice. From experience, I can tell you it is well worth finally choosing gratitude.

Exercises:

1. Make a list of all your blessings. Read the list at least twice a day.
   
2. When you start to think about all the things you don’t have, just replace it with 3 things that you do have (and your mind will show you even more blessings that you do have.)
   Ex. If you only have $2 to you name. Think “Wow, I have $2, instead of thinking I ONLY have $2. Then think of two other blessings to go along with it. Remember someone out there has lost everything they owned in some tragic event. Even if you have lost everything you own, be thankful for life itself and the opportunities ahead of you instead of focusing on the problem itself.

With all the stress of the holidays let’s remember the big picture and how truly blessed we are. As we focus on our blessings it makes positive thinking a reality no matter what’s going on.