Principles for Peace

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

- Leo F. Buscaglia

It’s great to be back!  Thanks for your patience with me over the last month as I have not been around very much.  It has been busy, but it was good.  I hope all of you have had a wonderful holiday season so far and that the New Year is absolutely fantastic for you.  I wish you all that brings you peace and joy in the year to come.

Change -  it’s what we are all thinking about now as the new year arrives.  “What New Years’ resolutions will I make this year?  What do I want to be different?  How do I want to improve my life?”  may be some questions you are asking of yourself.  I would like to pose one way that we can all improve our lives over the next year.

I think it’s safe to say that we all enjoy a sincere Read More »

It is my honor to have been asked by a good friend and loyal member of my community to produce a guest post for his blog.  Lance is an all around great guy with a lot of talent for writing among other things.  Please join me at Lance’s Jungle of Life for my guest post titled A Simple Holiday and Life Hack.

As I mentioned in my last post, I will be extremely busy over the next month and will be taking a substantial amount of time off away from the computer.  I’ll be checking email and coffee orders daily but, overall my visibility on the internet will be scarce.  I’ll be popping in and out, but rest assured that I will be back.

So for now, please join me at the Jungle of Life for A Simple Holiday and Life Hack.

“Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts.”

-Daniel Patrick Moynihan

Are you thinking more positive and accurate?  Hasn’t this been an amazing series!  I have learned so much from you my readers in this discussion.  You  have helped me to better train my mind in the areas of accurate and positive thinking.  Thank you!  Just a few more thinking errors to discuss.  Don’t forget that as we learn these errors it’s crucial to replace them with accurate thinking when you catch them.  Your attempts at first my be a little weak, but with practice you will become a pro at accurate thinking.

In reality, a positive attitude is one of the foundations for accurate thinking.  However, working to eliminate thinking errors and replacing them with accurate thinking certainly helps you to think positive.  They both go hand in hand.

If you feel something does that make it true? Read More »

As we continue our discussion of thinking errors and how to change our life by changing our thinking it’s important to remember that thinking errors are lies - lies we tell ourselves.  And lies never bring about anything good.  We get ourselves into a very tangled mess when we participate in them.

If you missed the first three posts in this series you’ll want to be sure and check them out here:

Labeling and Jumping to conclusions

Filtering Out the Positive and polarized thinking

Overgeneralization

So let’s move on to discuss two more thinking errors in  which many people participate:

6.  Mind reading:  Concluding what others think and do without proof or being told by them

Who knows your thoughts?  Only you and God.  Who knows someone’s else’s thoughts?  Only that person and God.  Saying you know someone else’s thoughts is nothing more than false.  Mind reading gets into people’s Read More »

This week we will continue our series on thinking errors.  If you haven’t yet read the post on labeling and jumping to conclusions then I encourage you to begin there.  I thought it would be best to keep these thinking errors to two to three errors per post so that they would have the greatest impact.  Learning about them is one thing, but knowing them intimately and mastering accurate thinking is the only way this information will make a difference in your life.

So let’s take a look at the next thinking errors:

3. Filtering out the positive in order to point out the negative

With this error people have a “filter” in their mind that only catches the negative.  The positive slides right Read More »

“Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service, and character.”  - William Arthur Ward

It’s no secret.  We live in a me, me, me world.  We want everything our own way and we want it now.  “It’s my way or the highway,” some say.  Some people see absolutely nothing wrong with this philosophy.  In fact, there are probably some people reading this right now that fall into that group.  You may be saying, “I have to have that philosophy or I’ll get run over in this rat race of a world.”  If that is your philosophy let me ask one question - ok, maybe three - “Do you enjoy being around other people with this attitude?  Have you ever had or seen a good boss that possessed this attitude?  Have you ever been around a person in authority with this philosophy that was effective?”  Chances are you have not.

So, why would you want to be humble in this “me” world?

In SFT, I learned early on in my lessons that humility was necessary in order to process and remove emotional pain.  I was told and I have learned by experience that if humility is not in place then it is impossible to remove the pain of an event or situation.  It’s totally useless to every try.  We also call humility the “me factor” in SFT.  I was trained to ask myself, “How’s my ’me factor on a scale of 1-10?’” before even attempting to process pain.  If humility is not there the pain will remain.  I knew first hand that this was going to be one of the most difficult lessons for me to master.  I was right and selfishness is very easy for me to slip back into if I’m not watching.  As a matter of fact, recently I have noticed myself letting the old selfish bug creep in.  It’s no wonder I’ve been struggling in some other areas as well.  But, pain processing is not the only benefit of humility.

As I was thinking about this post and planning out what to say it all the sudden hit me.  There are so many ironies associated with humility.  What I want to discover today is:

The Misconceptions vs. the Reality of Humility:

Myth 1:  Humility means letting people run all over you.  It means you are no good.

Reality:  Humility requires confidence - confidence in self and in God - to the extent that you don’t need to have everything your way.

Myth 2:  Humility means you are weak.

Reality:  Humility is strength under control.

Myth 3:  Humility is for stupid people.

Reality:  Humility requires wisdom - wisdom to see what the outcome will be if you always demand to have things your way.  (pss.-  No one will want to be around you plus you will be miserable.)

Myth 4:  Having humility means everyone will look down on you. 

Reality:  People will respect you if you consider their needs and wants and let them have their way sometimes.  (Four of the men that I have respected the most in my life were the most humble men I have ever known.)

Myth 5:  Having humility means that you don’t deserve anything and will never have anything.

Reality:  At the root of humility is gratitude.  Gratitude recognizes all the blessing you have even though you don’t deserve them.  True gratitude will lead to more blessings than you could ever imagine.

Myth 6:  You’ll always be a low man on the totem pole if you’re humble.  You have to lift yourself up or nobody else will.

Reality:  The results of humility are that you will be lifted up. 

“Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord and He will exalt you.”                    - James 4:10

Myth 7:  You can’t be humble if you are a leader.

Reality:  You will never be a leader if you are not humble (even though you may be in a leadership position).

Myth 8:  I will never get what I want if I’m humble.  Reality:

“The only way to get what you want is to help other people get what they want.”    - Zig Ziglar

Myth 9:  If you are humble you can’t have your way about everything.

Reality:  This one is actually true.  The only downside is that if you demand that the world revolve around you then you will be miserable and disappointed at best.

“What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God.”  - Monica Baldwin

 If humility is such a good thing then, “How do I get it?” 

* One thing that has helped me the most along this continual journey is to focus on my blessings.  At one point I wrote down all the blessings I could think of and I reviewed the list daily.  This really got me to see how truly blessed I am even though I don’t deserve the blessings (that is not a “poor pitiful me” mentality).

* Checking your motives is another good way to work on humility.  Is it all about you?  How pure are your motives - honestly?

* Increase your self esteem.  There’s a number of ways to do this.  Work on yourself.  In other words, focus on growth.  Set specific goals for things you can work on.  Read the Bible and other helpful books to gain ideas. 

* Draw near to God.

* Do something constructive and worthwhile.  Be creative and get to work.

* Practice noticing the interests and needs of others and act accordingly.

In other news:

* If you want to learn more about SFT Awareness I encourage you to read my recent post at Jenny Mannion’s blog.

* The P4P Bookstore is finally open!  Come on in a relax.  Browse around to find some books for your personal growth. 

Have you ever been so angry that you just couldn’t think straight?  Chances are you have - more than once.  I know I have at times.  Have you ever been so hungry that you just couldn’t think?  And if you did it was either in the form of “I THINK you better get out of my way now!” or in the form of a big juicy steak and baked potato.  Peace turns into disaster fast under these circumstances.  That’s the way we operate.  Certain needs have to be met in order for us to be at our best and to think the clearest. 

In my last post I wrote about a very valuable lesson on how to stop rumination. If you haven’t read that post yet, I highly recommend it.  In that post, one of the points was about not thinking about a pain event until you are calmed down and are in a better frame of mind.  Today we will discuss the conditions favorable for taking a look at a pain event.  One of my favorite parts of this lesson is that it’s a great preventative technique also.  It’s something I try to use on a daily basis. 

This is one of the most simple lessons we teach in SFT Awareness, yet once you see it you’ll probably agree that not only have you violated it many times over, but that you’ve seen others do the same. 

When processing a pain event it’s important to create the favorable conditions to process it.  Set aside a time in a special place where you are not likely to be disturbed.  At this time, in order to be your best it’s important to use the HALT formula.  HALT goes as follows:  Don’t be too:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

photo by: adobemac

That’s it.  It only takes intention and following these simple guidelines.  It’s highly unlikely that you’ll be able to change the way you look at something if these four things are not taken care of.

As you go along throughout any day just remember it’s a good idea to keep HALT in check at all times.  If you allow yourself to violate this simple formula then a disaster is waiting to happen.  Keeping HALT in check simply ensures you are at our best.  Violating HALT could make a silly little insignificant event turn into a real monster. 

So how do you get HALT back in check if it’s not in place? 

Well, if you are:

Hungry - That’s a pretty easy one.  Eat something.  (Preferalby something nutritional, Dr. Nicole would say.)

Angry - Use some techniques from the last post on how to stop negative thinking mixed with some time, a forward focus and seeing things in perspective.

Lonely - This is probably the most dificult one to take care of, but it is possible to do.  One important thing to remember is that with a relationship with God you are never alone.  Draw near to Him.  You can also go see a friend(s), call someone on the phone or connect with some internet buddies.  Contact an old friend you haven’t talked to in a long time.

Tired - Get some good sleep or take a nap.

That’s it.  Keep HALT in check so that you are at your best, prevent things from blowing out of proportion and are able to process an event you don’t like.

Just like in last week’s post, this requires some awareness.  It requires you to listen to yourself or to be in tune to your self and your needs.  I think you’ll agree the inner peace you find is worth the effort!

To learn more you may want to take a look at my friend Ron’s book:  Removing Emotional Pain.

Can you think of a time when HALT was not in place and a disaster happened? 

Have you ever said to someone (or wanted to, but didn’t)…  “Will you please just listen to me.”  How many times have you been trying to tell someone something and they were just not listening?  How many times have you felt like you might as well be talking to a brick wall.  Do you feel that sense of frustration rise up your spine as you think about it?  Have you been a poor listener?  Is listening a thing of the past? 

My friend, Ron Wilkins, was probably one of the greatest listeners of all times.  Ron and his apprentice, Gary Washer have taught me much about listening.  I give them credit for most of this material.  Ron said in his book, Removing Emotional Pain, that listening may be the most difficult [life] skill to learn. I agree with that.  Listening is twofold.  It involves listening to ourselves as well as listening to others.  Today’s focus will be on listening to others. What I have found is that by taking the time and making the effort to listen to others that often times the favor will be returned and people listen to me.

Listening is not easy, but it’s not impossible either. Understanding that listening is not an ability, but a skill that can be learned is refreshing.  (Yes, it can be learned!) 

Before we begin talking about how to listen, we need to first of all understand why we typically don’t listen. 

Understanding why listening is so difficult:

• Many mistakenly believe listening is an ability, not a skill that can be learned.
• It’s not easy to create the conditions necessary for for good listening.
• It takes a lot of effort, time and concentration to gather all the facts in a situation.
• It involves much more than simply hearing words or sounds.
• It’s challenging to see things from the other person’s point of view
• Listening involves getting rid of numero uno - ourselves. 

If listening is so difficult, then why bother with it?

• It prevents you from jumping to conclusions, possibly taking things personally or assuming you already know what the person is saying.  Failing to listen may cause you to take things the wrong way, stripping your inner peace right out from under you.  Listening allows you to see a person’s hurt from their point of view, not yours.
• It’s just plain rewarding to understand someone else.  You get a sense of fulfillment knowing that you are helping someone else to feel validated and understood.   Feeling understood is one of the strongest needs of human beings.
• Stronger, more intimate relationships
• A sense of peace from not having to talk and be number one and feeling like you have to have the last word
• You will become the most interesting person in the world as Dale Carnegie says in his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People
• People will love you forever if you take the time to listen to them. 

So if listening has so many benefits, let’s take a look at how we can become better listeners:

1.  The most important aspect of listening involves “putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes.”  I like to give myself a mental image of literally (but not really of course) transporting myself from my body into the body of the other person.  It helps me to “get inside of them.”  This is challenging, and takes lots of practice to master, but it can be done.  The purpose is to try with all of your being to fully understand the person.  Consider the experiences of this person.

2.  Humility.  This thing of getting into the other person’s shoes requires us to completely forget about ourselves and that is very difficult…..  But, it can be done.  Humility is not an option in learning to listen.  It says to the other person, “You are very important and I want to understand you.  Right now, it doesn’t matter what I think.  All that matters is you.”  Challenging?  Yes!  Rewarding?  Oh yeah!!

3. Give the person your full undivided attention and avoid distractions.  If it’s something really important create the favorable conditions necessary to listen to someone.  If someone is trying to talk to you about something and you are in the middle of something else and know you are not really able to listen at the time don’t fake it. These are magic words for this situation:  “John (or person’s name), What you are saying is important to me, but right now, I’m in the middle of something and don’t feel like I can be a good listener.  Is is okay if we talk about this when I am finished so that I can better understand you?” 

Listen with your body.  When someone is talking to you turn your whole body, not just your head (if at all possible), to face the person talking to you.  Don’t just look over your shoulder or worse yet, continue what you are doing, and say “uh-ha, uh ha.”  That doesn’t count.

Know your distractions.  Is the TV a distraction for you?  A certain show?  Turn it off.  Are you in a restaurant with that significant other and the TV is in your view.  Sit in the other direction or ask for another seat.  Is the daily mail more important than the people right in front of you.  You might try listening to their day first and reading the mail later.  See how much this can enhance your listening skills and your relationships.

4.  Do NOT think about what you are going to say in response.  Humility definitely plays a role here.  Because you are humble and forget about yourself for the moment you don’t need to say anything.  This can be especially challenging, but may actually take a huge burden off of us. 

5. Validation.   Once the other person has spoken, then it is appropriate to reword what the other person has said in our own words to make sure we understand.  We’re repeating back to them what we understood them to say.  This is not accusatory, simply rephrasing.  Remember humility….  An example would be, “So what I hear you saying is……”  or “So you are saying…..”

6.  Ask questions if you don’t understand or have enough information.  You might say, I’m not sure I understand you, could you please say that again” or “Will you please explain that a little more.”  This lets the other person know you are trying to understand them.

7.  Listen to their voice inflections and body language.  Is their voice raised?  Are their arms flailing around?  They may be very upset or just plain mad about something.  Voice and body language leaves many clues.  Become a master at recognizing these things.

What are some ways that you have learned to be a better listener?

Has not listening gotten you into trouble?  How?

Can you name some more benefits to listening? 

photo by clearly ambiguous