Principles for Peace

“This is the way of peace:
Overcome evil with good,
and falsehood with truth,
and hatred with love.”
….Peace Pilgrim

Last week we looked at the four preparations of peace taught by Peace Pilgrim.  In the comments, Henie shared a little more information about Peace Pilgrim:  “Peace Pilgrim’s name was Mildred Norman and ….. she died instantly in a car collision! An amazing life’s work…she walked 25,000 miles across America…stopping to eat only when Read More »

“Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service, and character.”  - William Arthur Ward

It’s no secret.  We live in a me, me, me world.  We want everything our own way and we want it now.  “It’s my way or the highway,” some say.  Some people see absolutely nothing wrong with this philosophy.  In fact, there are probably some people reading this right now that fall into that group.  You may be saying, “I have to have that philosophy or I’ll get run over in this rat race of a world.”  If that is your philosophy let me ask one question - ok, maybe three - “Do you enjoy being around other people with this attitude?  Have you ever had or seen a good boss that possessed this attitude?  Have you ever been around a person in authority with this philosophy that was effective?”  Chances are you have not.

So, why would you want to be humble in this “me” world?

In SFT, I learned early on in my lessons that humility was necessary in order to process and remove emotional pain.  I was told and I have learned by experience that if humility is not in place then it is impossible to remove the pain of an event or situation.  It’s totally useless to every try.  We also call humility the “me factor” in SFT.  I was trained to ask myself, “How’s my ’me factor on a scale of 1-10?’” before even attempting to process pain.  If humility is not there the pain will remain.  I knew first hand that this was going to be one of the most difficult lessons for me to master.  I was right and selfishness is very easy for me to slip back into if I’m not watching.  As a matter of fact, recently I have noticed myself letting the old selfish bug creep in.  It’s no wonder I’ve been struggling in some other areas as well.  But, pain processing is not the only benefit of humility.

As I was thinking about this post and planning out what to say it all the sudden hit me.  There are so many ironies associated with humility.  What I want to discover today is:

The Misconceptions vs. the Reality of Humility:

Myth 1:  Humility means letting people run all over you.  It means you are no good.

Reality:  Humility requires confidence - confidence in self and in God - to the extent that you don’t need to have everything your way.

Myth 2:  Humility means you are weak.

Reality:  Humility is strength under control.

Myth 3:  Humility is for stupid people.

Reality:  Humility requires wisdom - wisdom to see what the outcome will be if you always demand to have things your way.  (pss.-  No one will want to be around you plus you will be miserable.)

Myth 4:  Having humility means everyone will look down on you. 

Reality:  People will respect you if you consider their needs and wants and let them have their way sometimes.  (Four of the men that I have respected the most in my life were the most humble men I have ever known.)

Myth 5:  Having humility means that you don’t deserve anything and will never have anything.

Reality:  At the root of humility is gratitude.  Gratitude recognizes all the blessing you have even though you don’t deserve them.  True gratitude will lead to more blessings than you could ever imagine.

Myth 6:  You’ll always be a low man on the totem pole if you’re humble.  You have to lift yourself up or nobody else will.

Reality:  The results of humility are that you will be lifted up. 

“Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord and He will exalt you.”                    - James 4:10

Myth 7:  You can’t be humble if you are a leader.

Reality:  You will never be a leader if you are not humble (even though you may be in a leadership position).

Myth 8:  I will never get what I want if I’m humble.  Reality:

“The only way to get what you want is to help other people get what they want.”    - Zig Ziglar

Myth 9:  If you are humble you can’t have your way about everything.

Reality:  This one is actually true.  The only downside is that if you demand that the world revolve around you then you will be miserable and disappointed at best.

“What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God.”  - Monica Baldwin

 If humility is such a good thing then, “How do I get it?” 

* One thing that has helped me the most along this continual journey is to focus on my blessings.  At one point I wrote down all the blessings I could think of and I reviewed the list daily.  This really got me to see how truly blessed I am even though I don’t deserve the blessings (that is not a “poor pitiful me” mentality).

* Checking your motives is another good way to work on humility.  Is it all about you?  How pure are your motives - honestly?

* Increase your self esteem.  There’s a number of ways to do this.  Work on yourself.  In other words, focus on growth.  Set specific goals for things you can work on.  Read the Bible and other helpful books to gain ideas. 

* Draw near to God.

* Do something constructive and worthwhile.  Be creative and get to work.

* Practice noticing the interests and needs of others and act accordingly.

In other news:

* If you want to learn more about SFT Awareness I encourage you to read my recent post at Jenny Mannion’s blog.

* The P4P Bookstore is finally open!  Come on in a relax.  Browse around to find some books for your personal growth. 

I think it is pretty safe to say that peace of mind is only possible if we learn to stop rumination or negative thinking.  In a recent post by Dr. Nicole Sundene of Kitchen Table Medicine, Dr. Nicole discussed whether or not we can always think positive.  I think it is safe to say that we can train our minds to always have a positive attitude, but let’s face it we are all humans and negative thoughts can creep up.  Today’s post will focus on what to do when negative thoughts do come to mind.

In SFT Awareness, we teach students how to process and remove emotional pain which prevents and eliminates most depression.  It’s similar to Tim Brownson’s teaching of reframing.  There’s something very valuable that we teach students in SFT that prevents them from completing a behaviour cycle that leads to depression and addictions.  It’s called stopping rumination.  What is rumination you ask?  Rumination was a word that I had actually never heard of before learning SFT. 

Rumination is basically a fancy word for negative thinking.  Rumination occurs when a pain event happens - anything you don’t like.  When something happens that a person doesn’t like a process starts that is very similar to cows chewing their cud.  The person will draw on past similar negative experiences.  One negative thought leads to another and another and another.  Then the person will go back to the first thought and chew on it some more and then the next thought and chew on it - over and over again the person thinks about all the negatives of something he/she doesn’t like.  As one of my teachers, Gary Washer, puts it, it is like someone losing their keys and then looking for them in the same places over and over again.  Ever done that?  I know I have.

If someone allows rumination to take place, depression is right around the corner.  Notice I used the word “allows.”  This implies that something can be done about it.  So….

How can you stop negative thinking in its tracks?

1.  The first step in stopping negative thinking is to become aware that you are thinking negative. That may sound silly, but once you start to become conscious of it, you’ll be surprised.  Remember that a pain event is anything you don’t like.  So start to become aware or conscious of things you don’t like.  Notice when you first begin feeling angry, frustrated, sad, stressed or any negative feeling.  That’s the first step.  Train yourself to become conscious.

2.  Make a decision not to think about or dwell on the situation or thing UNTIL you are calmed down and in a better frame of mind. (more on that later.) (Click here to see what the ideal conditions are).

3.  Watch your self talk.

*  Some people at this point may say.  “I can’t stop thinking negative.”  Well if you tell yourself that, then guess what?  ….You can’t.  Change your self talk to “I don’t have to think negative.  I don’t like this and that’s okay, but I choose not to let it ruin my life.  I choose to think positive.  I can stop rumination.  I choose to have peace of mind” This is very liberating!

*  Remind yourself: “What I think on expands.” If you choose to think on the problem the problem will get bigger.  If you tell yourself at this point that “good and opportunities will come from this” your subconscious will begin trying to figure out how good can come from it even though you are not consciously thinking about it.      At this time I like to remind myself of one of my favorite Bible verses: 

“For God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to his purpose.” - Romans 8:28

Then move on….

4.  Replace the time you normally spend in negative thinking with something else. In other words, distract the mind.  A hobby is a great thing to get involved in - especially one that involves the mind.  If you have a hobby you enjoy then participate in that hobby at this time.  If you don’t have a hobby, then find one.  Do a Google search for hobbies if you need to do so.  Be creative.

5.  Draw near to God. Prayer and Bible study will help to turn your focus off of yourself and onto God instead.  I like to remind myself that life is about God, not me.   One thing that helps me stop ruminating more than anything else are these two CD’s:  Glorious God a Cappella Worship and Awesome God: An a Cappella Worship Series. It put’s my life in perspective fast!  (I love these CD’s!).

6.  Think on good things. Think about all the blessings you have and dwell on them.  The best way I have found to do this is to make a list of my blessings at a time when I’m not already upset and then keep it with me.  If a pain event occurs I can pull out my list and read it over and over again.  It sure beats thinking negative thoughts over and over again.

Now, you’re one step closer to having peace of mind….

Happy peaceful living!

For further help on learning to think positive I recommend the great one minute affirmations at:  Think Positive Blog.

What are some ways that you prevent negative thinking?

Who can explain how this picture relates to this post?

photo by:  tonystl

In our last post, we discussed the importance of discovering what holds us back from acheiving what we want or from being where we want to be. 

With all we said last week, there are some things to keep in mind as you work to figure out what is holding you back.  We had some great discussion that I would encourage you to read if you have not yet.  A common theme that kept appearing in the discussion (which was already going to be a major point of this current post) was…

photo by:  _Gene_

* Don’t obsess over or stay focused on what is holding you back.  Work to figure these things out, but don’t obsess over the problem.  Remember that what you focus on expands, as Andrea Hess noted in our comment section in the last post.  Stay focused on moving forward when you do work to figure out what is holding you back. THE INTENTION SHOULD ALWAYS BE TO LEARN FROM WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK SO THAT YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD. 

* It is common to have fear of self discovery.  Don’t allow this to stop or cripple you.  Remember the purpose is to make you a better person, not to wallow in self pity.  I used to fear looking deep into my life.  Now I want to look there so that I can grow from it and become better.

* Don’t get discouraged if you can’t figure it out immediately and don’t try too hard.  Suggest to yourself that you will figure it out.  Set aside some time to think about it, say 20 minutes.  Pray that God will help reveal these things to you.  But don’t try too hard.  Sometimes the harder we try the more we are working against ourselves.  You may simply let your mind wander and see where it takes you and then move on.  If you haven’t figured anything out after this time, don’t fret about it.  It will come to you.  Just focus on moving forward and go on.  Our continued discussion will serve to reveal these things to you so that you can learn and grow.

* Once you figure out something that is holding you back, say to yourself, “Great, now I know how to move forward!”  Then write down what has been holding you back and what you are going to do to overcome it and act on it immediately.  Do you really want one more wasted day?  Knowledge alone will get you nowhere.  It will take action - action that will get you where you want to be. 

Okay, now that you are not stuck on the problems, let’s get specific.  To stay with our theme, the focus will be on what holds you back from inner peace.   Many of the same principles can apply to any goal you set.

Let’s take a look at some blockers and how to overcome them.

Lack of knowledge -  Many people don’t have peace in their lives simply because they don’t know how to have peace in their lives.  That is the purpose of this blog.  I’m assuming that most of you are here because you want to know how to have that peace.  Keep reading.  Knowledge is key.   

Fear of the unknown or letting go - Many people are in their comfort zone and are afraid of pushing forward to the peace that is on the other side.  Fear of getting away from the things with which they are familiar is very frightening.  If this describes you, rest assured that what is on the other side is well worth the effort.  Write down somewhere, “I recognize that I am afraid, but I realize that what is on the other side is much better.  It is worth letting go of the things with which I am familiar in order to have peace in my life.  I resolve to let go of all of it.”  Let your mind focus on that for a minute.

photo by: Dan4th

Lack of consciousness or awareness- Some people are stuck in autopilot without even the awareness that they do not have peace.  They simply live their lives like they always have without a second thought, always doing what they have always done and not even knowing why.  They do not know that they can change their lives by changing their thinking.  They are just trying to get through the day instead of getting something from the day.  If this is you, stay tuned to see how you can change your thoughts to change your life.  Begin thinking about what you can do to get something out of the day.  What can you do to brighten someone else’s day?  Become aware of the negative thought patterns in your mind and begin replacing them with postive ones.

Lack of focus -  Certainly focus is important.  As we stated earlier, what you focus on expands.  Do you want peace.  Focus on peace.  Is there chaos in your life?  Are you focused on the chaos?  Are you surrounded by problems.  Are you focued on them?  What if you asked yourself how you could turn these problems into peace?  How would you do that?  It takes intention.  It takes focus - concentrated focus. 

Are you focused on the right things?  What are your priorities?  If you don’t know, it’s time to think about them and write them down and number them.  If you don’t know what your priorities are peace will never be possible in your life.  Priorities are a must!  Priorities allow you to focus.

More ways to move forward next time….

What are some more things that you have discovered that has held you back?

Since Mother’s Day is around the corner, my original thought for this post was to find a great poem about mothers and to post it here and to talk a little bit about the poem. Well, the problem came when I couldn’t find a poem that I liked, so another thought came to my mind. I thought that I would instead write about characteristics of mothers that promote peace in her children. This partly came about because I am not yet a mother and I am constantly asking myself, “If I have children what are the things that I want to instill in them?” And more specifically lately, I have been thinking about how I will work to bring about inner peace or peace of mind in their lives.

So what are some characteristics, some qualities that a mother can possess or exhibit to bring about peace in her children?

1.  Listening and understanding.  I’m not just talking about surface listening.  I want to be the kind of mother that truly seeks to understand what my children are saying beneath their actual words.  What is their body language saying?  What are their feelings?  What are the thoughts behind those feelings?  What are their deepest strongest desires and wishes in life?  What are their interests?

2.  Since peace is the absence of conflict, I want to be a mother who encourages my children to reach their full potential.  If I listen to their interests and what they want to do and encouarge them to go for it with all their being, then what I will be doing is removing any inner conflict they have that could possibly tell them that they can’t really do what they want to do.  In other words I want to eliminate any self limiting beliefs that could possibly arise within them.  I don’t even want it to ever enter their minds that they can’t do something.

3.  When a conflict arises, I want to be a mother that focuses on the solution, not the problem - whether that be a conflict between me and the children or between the children themselves.   Focusing on any problem only brings about more problems and more conflict; therefore the absense peace.

4.  Also, as a mother who promotes peace,  I think it is necessary to raise my children with a purpose.  I see the need to lay out the values and principles that I want to instill in my children and focus on them every day.  I think the biggest mistake that parents make (and it’s one I would have made if I had raised children before this time in my life) is to not raise them with a purpose.  By focusing on these values and principles I see that the most important thing for me to do to eliminate conflict in this area and to promote peace is to:

5.  Walk the talk, as many people call it.  In other words, I need to exemplify these values and principles since children always do what you do, not what you say.  Many people say what they think is important and talk about others who do not do what is important, but few actually do it themselves.  Clearly laying out these values and priorities will eliminate any doubts or conflicts in the child of what is important to me and they will likely follow suit.

6.  One of these values that I believe is crucial for me to promote and teach peace to my children is humility and selflessness.  I believe with humility that about all conflict in the world will be nonexistent.  That is what I have seen in my life.  When I am being selfish and self centered then I have lots of conflict in my life.  When, on the other hand, I forget about myself and focus on the needs of others then I get my needs met also and everyone is happy and full of peace and happiness.  There is no doubt that with a mother’s selfless giving and humility that her children will not only have peace, but that she will find it also.  That is not at all to say they she should ignore her needs, for that is a sure recipe for inner conflict.

7.  One more ingredient I see necessary for me to raise my children to have inner peace is to teach them to see things in perspective or to see the big picture.  In other words, I want to teach them to look at long term consequences or results of their actions or thoughts.  Will what they are doing now effect things for the good or the bad?  Will the current situation matter tomorrow, next week, next decade?  Will it matter 20 or 30 years from now.  I believe teaching them to think this way will help them to not focus on instant gratification, but to think through things.  It will help them not to get too wrapped up in their problems, thus eliminating conflict.

Well, I certainly haven’t covered everything here that I want to teach my children, but this is a good start and I know these are absolutely necessary for me to instill in them…. 

For those of you who are not yet parents:  What are some things you want to do to promote inner peace in your children?

For those of you who are parents:  What are some things you do to promote peace in your children?

 Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World

Peace is not something you wish for: It’s something you make, something you do, something you are, and something you give away.

- Robert Fulghum

Welcome!  Come on in and relax.  Take a deep breath.  Deep breathes help release that pent up energy and stress we store in our bodies and minds.

Since we will mostly be discussing peace or inner peace or peace of mind at the new place here I thought it would be appropriate to first give some definitions of peace so we know what we are talking about. 

I took the ole’ Webster’s off the shelf and dusted it off and looked up the word “peace” to see what it had to say.  The definition we will be interested in here is “an undisturbed state of mind; absence of mental conflict; serenity: in full peace of mind.”

But, what I find most interesting is that many of the definitions talked about an “absence of” or “freedom from” something.  That will be mostly what we focus on - the things or mindsets or attitudes that we need to get rid of in order to have peace of mind.  And to go deeper we will discuss how to get rid of these things.  I beleive it’s the Latin form of the word peace that means “to confirm an agreement.”  That was particularly fascinating to me as it brought me to think about how peace is when all our thoughts and all of our actions are in agreement with one another or in congruity with each other.

I decided to make a list of some things that will help us to define peace.  Here are some of these things (in no particualar order  - mostly just a stream of consciousness of what I have been thinking of over the last few days):

absense of or freedom from:

harmony - what we think and believe and what we do is in harmony

living out our priorities

listening to our needs and taking care of them.

satisfied with all aspects of our lives.

calmness on the inside, no matter what is happening on the outside

tranquility

consciousness - living purposefully and happily in the now

feeling free to state your opinion or needs

simplicity

It’s really interesting, as I wrote out this list and over the last few days as I was pondering over these, it really struck me that it’s about opposites.  On the other side of the “absences of” or “freedoms from” is the answer to what peace is.  Just an interesting thought.  So if we can define the absence does that mean that we can define the answer…… ? Just something to think about. 

I asked my husband what peace was to him.  His response was “flying in an airplane.”  That certainly did not surprise me as everything is about airplanes to him.  He’s just like a little boy when it come to planes.

So now my questions for you are: 

What is your definition of peace or what is it to you? 

What makes you feel peaceful?

Your answers may help me write some future posts…..

To read the precious articles in this series please go to:

Are You a Puppet on Strings? - Taking Back Control of Your Life
Steps to Happiness – Part 2Steps to Happiness - Part 3 - Does this Stuff Really Work?
Steps to Happiness – Part 4 - Who is Master?
Steps to Happiness – Part 5 - Choose What Kind of Chicken You’ll be before an Egg Hatches
Steps to Happiness - Part 6 - Happy People Don’t Seek Happiness

A thankful heart is the parent of all virtues.

- Cicero

This last article on Steps to Happiness has come to be my favorite although I didn’t know it would at the time. This gratititude thing has presented itself to me over and over again and I soon came to see that as Cicero said it truly is the “parent of all virutes.” The more this idea presents itself and the more I think about it the more I come to see that it is the foundation of all the other steps. Maybe it should have been first. But, then again maybe the other steps are necessary in order to be grateful…..I guess you could look at it both ways. Either way, I’m just being constantly reminded that I need improvement in this area of my life (and for that I’m grateful!).

As this idea kept presenting itself me I was refered to a book. After researching the book I can say that it will be my next purchase (soon) and one that I can recommend to my readers. It is called Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. I can’t say it’s a “new science,” but it certainly looks like something we can all learn from. (Don’t you love how in this world of blogging we can end a sentence with a preposition.:) I always wanted to do that. My English teachers would not be proud. :))

When we take on this new attititude (really, it’s like a whole world view) and TRULY INTERNALIZE it, it changes how we see EVERYTHING and how we think and act and treat everyone including ourselves.

Well, enough babbling……

Gratitude….

Does it ever seem like you just don’t have anything? Do you often find yourself complaining about the things you don’t have? Are you not getting what you want out of relationships? These are serious issues for many people and it seems like a solution is nowhere in sight. So what can be done about it?

Developing and maintaining an attitude of gratitude is a must in order to find solutions to these problems and to lead a life of happiness. Without this attitude one will lead a miserable life at best, but with it the blessings abound. So the question arises, “If it is so important then what is it and how do I achieve it?” That’s the question I asked for a long time. Discovering the secret was life transforming.

I remember the first time that I encountered someone who had a true spirit of gratitude. I totally could not understand it. I remember thinking “I wish I could be like that.” – not realizing that I really could be. She had always been one of my favorite people, but it wasn’t until this day that I figured out why. Her husband was basically in a vegetable state and at the point of death and she said to me, “He may not live, much longer. I’m just thankful for the time we’ve had together.” I thought, “Wow, that is an amazing attitude!”

What is an attitude of gratitude?

Before we go any further, we need to recognize that attitude is a mindset; it’s a way of life, a constant way of being – of looking at things. It is something that we internalize. We define gratitude as being thankful. So we could define attitude of gratitude as a constant spirit or state of thankfulness.

So how do I develop this attitude?

First, and probably the most obvious recommendation, look around at all the people who have it worse than you do. There is always someone out there that is in worse shape than you are. If you’re not convinced then watch the news (although I try not to do that because it is so negative.) You will always find someone who is in a more troubling situation than you. It will put you in your place very fast.

Second, recognize that EVERY blessing you have is a gift from God – everything from, a roof over your head, to food to eat, to (hot) water to take a bath, to the people in your life, to the air that you breath, to life itself, to time. Not only is it a gift from God, it is a gift from God that you do not even deserve. This is not a “poor pitiful me, I’m not good enough for anything” attitude. It is exactly the opposite - recognizing how truly blessed you are and realizing that we are all sinful people that God chooses to bless anyway. He just blesses those people much more who live their lives for Him (I am not talking monetarily, although it can be included).

Truly happy people recognize that everything they have is not only a gift that they don’t deserve, but that it is a gift to be used for God’s glory. (This attitude changes how you treat everyone.) God really blesses these people. They also recognize that any of it could be taken away at any time and that is okay because they never really even deserved it in the first place.

When you view everything as a gift something almost magical happens. These things begin to transform into something beautiful. If we treat the people in our lives as a gift, then our relationships start to change and take on a whole new beautiful form.

Third, focus on what you DO have, not on what you do not have. There’s a secret. It goes like this: What you focus on expands. If you think about and focus on what you do not have you will just keep having nothing because nothing expanded is still nothing. If you focus on what you do have, you will be amazed at the blessings that come into your life. (Focusing on positive things always creates more positive thoughts. Focusing on negative things always creates more negative thoughts.)

Fourth, give of your abundance – your newly discovered blessings- cheerfully (even if it seems like very little). You always get back in direct proportion to what you give. If you give a little, you get a little back. If you give a lot you get a lot back.

Remember how we deal with life is always a choice. From experience, I can tell you it is well worth finally choosing gratitude.

Exercises:

1. Make a list of all your blessings. Read the list at least twice a day.
   
2. When you start to think about all the things you don’t have, just replace it with 3 things that you do have (and your mind will show you even more blessings that you do have.)
   Ex. If you only have $2 to you name. Think “Wow, I have $2, instead of thinking I ONLY have $2. Then think of two other blessings to go along with it. Remember someone out there has lost everything they owned in some tragic event. Even if you have lost everything you own, be thankful for life itself and the opportunities ahead of you instead of focusing on the problem itself.