Principles for Peace

As we continue our discussion of thinking errors and how to change our life by changing our thinking it’s important to remember that thinking errors are lies - lies we tell ourselves.  And lies never bring about anything good.  We get ourselves into a very tangled mess when we participate in them.

If you missed the first three posts in this series you’ll want to be sure and check them out here:

Labeling and Jumping to conclusions

Filtering Out the Positive and polarized thinking

Overgeneralization

So let’s move on to discuss two more thinking errors in  which many people participate:

6.  Mind reading:  Concluding what others think and do without proof or being told by them

Who knows your thoughts?  Only you and God.  Who knows someone’s else’s thoughts?  Only that person and God.  Saying you know someone else’s thoughts is nothing more than false.  Mind reading gets into people’s Read More »

Before we begin the discussion of overgeneralizing, I wanted to say:

A Word of Thanks:

I don’t know about you, but I sure have learned a lot from this thinking error series.  Not only have I learned a lot from writing about the errors, but I have learned so much from you, my readers and commenters as you have helped to shed a different light on some of the errors.

As I was writing the last post, the more I wrote the more I realized that I engaged in the polarized thinking more than I thought I did.  Coming up with examples was really helpful to me.  And your comments caused me to think even further.

Thanks to Lance and Evelyn for their excellent discussion of Read More »

This week we will continue our series on thinking errors.  If you haven’t yet read the post on labeling and jumping to conclusions then I encourage you to begin there.  I thought it would be best to keep these thinking errors to two to three errors per post so that they would have the greatest impact.  Learning about them is one thing, but knowing them intimately and mastering accurate thinking is the only way this information will make a difference in your life.

So let’s take a look at the next thinking errors:

3. Filtering out the positive in order to point out the negative

With this error people have a “filter” in their mind that only catches the negative.  The positive slides right Read More »

Have you ever lied to yourself and believed it?  Chances are you have.  Most people have.  I have.  That’s basically what thinking errors are and most people engage in at least some of them.

This one series on accurate thinking has the potential to change a person’s life in very drastic ways. It changed mine in probably more ways than I can ever name.

Many people are very offended to think that someone would suggest that they do not think accurately.  If that is you, know that you are not alone.  “What do you mean I’m not thinking right?” might be a typical reaction.  It’s ok if you feel that resistance.  Once you see the thinking errors you will probably Read More »

Have you ever been so angry that you just couldn’t think straight?  Chances are you have - more than once.  I know I have at times.  Have you ever been so hungry that you just couldn’t think?  And if you did it was either in the form of “I THINK you better get out of my way now!” or in the form of a big juicy steak and baked potato.  Peace turns into disaster fast under these circumstances.  That’s the way we operate.  Certain needs have to be met in order for us to be at our best and to think the clearest. 

In my last post I wrote about a very valuable lesson on how to stop rumination. If you haven’t read that post yet, I highly recommend it.  In that post, one of the points was about not thinking about a pain event until you are calmed down and are in a better frame of mind.  Today we will discuss the conditions favorable for taking a look at a pain event.  One of my favorite parts of this lesson is that it’s a great preventative technique also.  It’s something I try to use on a daily basis. 

This is one of the most simple lessons we teach in SFT Awareness, yet once you see it you’ll probably agree that not only have you violated it many times over, but that you’ve seen others do the same. 

When processing a pain event it’s important to create the favorable conditions to process it.  Set aside a time in a special place where you are not likely to be disturbed.  At this time, in order to be your best it’s important to use the HALT formula.  HALT goes as follows:  Don’t be too:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

photo by: adobemac

That’s it.  It only takes intention and following these simple guidelines.  It’s highly unlikely that you’ll be able to change the way you look at something if these four things are not taken care of.

As you go along throughout any day just remember it’s a good idea to keep HALT in check at all times.  If you allow yourself to violate this simple formula then a disaster is waiting to happen.  Keeping HALT in check simply ensures you are at our best.  Violating HALT could make a silly little insignificant event turn into a real monster. 

So how do you get HALT back in check if it’s not in place? 

Well, if you are:

Hungry - That’s a pretty easy one.  Eat something.  (Preferalby something nutritional, Dr. Nicole would say.)

Angry - Use some techniques from the last post on how to stop negative thinking mixed with some time, a forward focus and seeing things in perspective.

Lonely - This is probably the most dificult one to take care of, but it is possible to do.  One important thing to remember is that with a relationship with God you are never alone.  Draw near to Him.  You can also go see a friend(s), call someone on the phone or connect with some internet buddies.  Contact an old friend you haven’t talked to in a long time.

Tired - Get some good sleep or take a nap.

That’s it.  Keep HALT in check so that you are at your best, prevent things from blowing out of proportion and are able to process an event you don’t like.

Just like in last week’s post, this requires some awareness.  It requires you to listen to yourself or to be in tune to your self and your needs.  I think you’ll agree the inner peace you find is worth the effort!

To learn more you may want to take a look at my friend Ron’s book:  Removing Emotional Pain.

Can you think of a time when HALT was not in place and a disaster happened? 

Have you ever said to someone (or wanted to, but didn’t)…  “Will you please just listen to me.”  How many times have you been trying to tell someone something and they were just not listening?  How many times have you felt like you might as well be talking to a brick wall.  Do you feel that sense of frustration rise up your spine as you think about it?  Have you been a poor listener?  Is listening a thing of the past? 

My friend, Ron Wilkins, was probably one of the greatest listeners of all times.  Ron and his apprentice, Gary Washer have taught me much about listening.  I give them credit for most of this material.  Ron said in his book, Removing Emotional Pain, that listening may be the most difficult [life] skill to learn. I agree with that.  Listening is twofold.  It involves listening to ourselves as well as listening to others.  Today’s focus will be on listening to others. What I have found is that by taking the time and making the effort to listen to others that often times the favor will be returned and people listen to me.

Listening is not easy, but it’s not impossible either. Understanding that listening is not an ability, but a skill that can be learned is refreshing.  (Yes, it can be learned!) 

Before we begin talking about how to listen, we need to first of all understand why we typically don’t listen. 

Understanding why listening is so difficult:

• Many mistakenly believe listening is an ability, not a skill that can be learned.
• It’s not easy to create the conditions necessary for for good listening.
• It takes a lot of effort, time and concentration to gather all the facts in a situation.
• It involves much more than simply hearing words or sounds.
• It’s challenging to see things from the other person’s point of view
• Listening involves getting rid of numero uno - ourselves. 

If listening is so difficult, then why bother with it?

• It prevents you from jumping to conclusions, possibly taking things personally or assuming you already know what the person is saying.  Failing to listen may cause you to take things the wrong way, stripping your inner peace right out from under you.  Listening allows you to see a person’s hurt from their point of view, not yours.
• It’s just plain rewarding to understand someone else.  You get a sense of fulfillment knowing that you are helping someone else to feel validated and understood.   Feeling understood is one of the strongest needs of human beings.
• Stronger, more intimate relationships
• A sense of peace from not having to talk and be number one and feeling like you have to have the last word
• You will become the most interesting person in the world as Dale Carnegie says in his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People
• People will love you forever if you take the time to listen to them. 

So if listening has so many benefits, let’s take a look at how we can become better listeners:

1.  The most important aspect of listening involves “putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes.”  I like to give myself a mental image of literally (but not really of course) transporting myself from my body into the body of the other person.  It helps me to “get inside of them.”  This is challenging, and takes lots of practice to master, but it can be done.  The purpose is to try with all of your being to fully understand the person.  Consider the experiences of this person.

2.  Humility.  This thing of getting into the other person’s shoes requires us to completely forget about ourselves and that is very difficult…..  But, it can be done.  Humility is not an option in learning to listen.  It says to the other person, “You are very important and I want to understand you.  Right now, it doesn’t matter what I think.  All that matters is you.”  Challenging?  Yes!  Rewarding?  Oh yeah!!

3. Give the person your full undivided attention and avoid distractions.  If it’s something really important create the favorable conditions necessary to listen to someone.  If someone is trying to talk to you about something and you are in the middle of something else and know you are not really able to listen at the time don’t fake it. These are magic words for this situation:  “John (or person’s name), What you are saying is important to me, but right now, I’m in the middle of something and don’t feel like I can be a good listener.  Is is okay if we talk about this when I am finished so that I can better understand you?” 

Listen with your body.  When someone is talking to you turn your whole body, not just your head (if at all possible), to face the person talking to you.  Don’t just look over your shoulder or worse yet, continue what you are doing, and say “uh-ha, uh ha.”  That doesn’t count.

Know your distractions.  Is the TV a distraction for you?  A certain show?  Turn it off.  Are you in a restaurant with that significant other and the TV is in your view.  Sit in the other direction or ask for another seat.  Is the daily mail more important than the people right in front of you.  You might try listening to their day first and reading the mail later.  See how much this can enhance your listening skills and your relationships.

4.  Do NOT think about what you are going to say in response.  Humility definitely plays a role here.  Because you are humble and forget about yourself for the moment you don’t need to say anything.  This can be especially challenging, but may actually take a huge burden off of us. 

5. Validation.   Once the other person has spoken, then it is appropriate to reword what the other person has said in our own words to make sure we understand.  We’re repeating back to them what we understood them to say.  This is not accusatory, simply rephrasing.  Remember humility….  An example would be, “So what I hear you saying is……”  or “So you are saying…..”

6.  Ask questions if you don’t understand or have enough information.  You might say, I’m not sure I understand you, could you please say that again” or “Will you please explain that a little more.”  This lets the other person know you are trying to understand them.

7.  Listen to their voice inflections and body language.  Is their voice raised?  Are their arms flailing around?  They may be very upset or just plain mad about something.  Voice and body language leaves many clues.  Become a master at recognizing these things.

What are some ways that you have learned to be a better listener?

Has not listening gotten you into trouble?  How?

Can you name some more benefits to listening? 

photo by clearly ambiguous

Have you ever had your head spinning because you had so much going on, so many things to do? Chances are you have. Why is that? Why is life so cluttered with so much? Well, it doesn’t have to be. It wasn’t designed to be that way? So why is it? Let’s discuss….

The topic of simplicity has been prominent in my mind lately. I’ve been thinking about how we will have so much peace in our lives if we simply simplify.

How much time do we spend chasing after things that aren’t even important? How much time and energy do we spend chasing after money and material possessions? It seems that often that is what makes our lives so complex (not always, but often). “So you mean to tell me that we actually have control over the chaos and craziness in our lives? - that it doesn’t have to be so crazy and complex?” Absolutely. You always have the power to control how you live your life and to fill it with peace. But…. I know, there’s so much you have to do. I know… I know… I really do understand.

My husband and I were shopping for a clothes dryers a week or two ago. The one I wanted was a Fisher & Paykel. Ever heard of them? I hadn’t until about a year ago. They are the best on the market. They are a New Zealand company? What makes them so great? What does this have to do with anything? Fisher & Paykel are the best, yet they are the most simple machines out there. They have seven moving parts? Why? “The less moving parts, the less parts to tear up” is their moto. Well, I didn’t quiet want to pay the price tag on that dryer, so we bought a good ole American made dryer with lots of very cheap moving parts that will only last a few years. Maybe in about 5 years when my dryer breaks down, I’ll break down and shell out the dough for something that will last for more than five years.

So what can we learn from Fisher & Paykel? Simplicity - They have simplicity mastered. They have eliminated the unnecessary parts and only kept the absolute necessary ones for the dryer to work. So how can we eliminate the unnecessary things from our lives so that there is less to tear up or break down?

1. It is first of all important to understand why we make our lives complex. People are looking for peace. They are looking for happiness. They are looking for contentment. They are looking for approval. Because they don’t have these things on the inside, they look for it in outside - in things like possessions and activities. Working on making ourselves beautiful on the inside will eliminate the need for so many possessions and things to do on the outside.

2. Reducing our lives to the absolute necessary things by laying out what is most important to us is crucial if we want to have any semblance of sanity. Knowing what is most important is key to eliminating what is least importanat. This is such a liberating thing to do as it will free up so much time - time that we didn’t know we had because we were spending it on things that were’t even important to us to begin with.

3. Remember that the more things we have and buy the more responsibility we have and the more we have to worry about and be concerned with. The more things we have the more of our time and energy is required to tend to them. I know that when I was child I didn’t have a lot of toys - I had some, but not a ton of them, and I loved life as a kid. I didn’t need a lot of “things” to make me happy. I was content to go outside and play in the dirt or the woods beside my house. These days, kids have so many toys they could never possibly play with all of them and they never do. They can’t even fit them in their room or garage.

4.. Here are some questions we can ask ourselves to help simplify life:

• “Which of the things I have and am doing now are the least important to me? Which are the most important to me?”
• “If I were only given one month to live what would I spend my time doing?” What about one week? What about one day?
• Before buying something, ask yourself, “Is this going to make my life more complicated? Will this free up my time to do what is really important or will this take time away from the things that are most important to me?”
• “Will this thing or activity add value to me or to those that I love or will it take away value?”
• “What did I enjoy as a child?” Chances are those are still the simple things that will still bring joy to you.
• “How can I accomplish my goals and be the most effective with the least amount of time, resources and money?”
• “Is this important or just urgent?”
• And to sum it all up: “What can I do or elimate today to make my life less complex and enjoy it more?”

For more information on simplification I recommend these posts:

7 Ways to Eliminate Emotional Clutter

5 Axioms of Life: A Pathway to Happiness

5 Qualities I Find in Successful Entrepreneurs -  especially quality number 3.

Well, for some reason I can’t get this last link to work.  Simply go to http://yes-to-me.com/ and scroll down on the far right hand side to “Best of Yes to Me” and click on the first link there.  Point number 3 is the one I was drawn to on this post. 

This blog post is a guest post  on the Positivity Blog:  (You may read the full post there.)

Lori Jewett of Between Us Girls wrote an excellent guest post on the Positivity Blog titled 5 Compelling Reasons to be More Assertive. I thought I would follow up with that post on some specific steps, ways to become more assertive.

 What is assertiveness?

First of all, I wanted to clear up any misconceptions about this word assertiveness and what it is. Often when people hear the word assertiveness they think of aggressiveness, being mean, pushy or bossy. While some people are that way, that is actually not assertiveness. Assertiveness is healthy, good for everyone involved. Assertiveness is a way to (read more…..)