Principles for Peace

“A man who does not think for himself does not think at all” - Oscar Wilde

Do you ever just stop to think?

I have a confession to make.  I have a bad habit. It’s called thinking. Well okay, it’s not really a bad habit, but I sure do a lot of it these days. I used to just take everything as I “knew” it to be.  Now, I’m constantly thinking - thinking about how to improve my life, improve my thinking.  Everything I do originates with my thoughts so improvement must start there.

Last week after writing my last post on the realities we create for ourselves and after attending the last lesson of another SFT seminar simply to hone my skills, I went into deep thought and decided to conduct an experiment.  I began to think about how we all view the world from our own set of rose colored glasses.  This can be good, bad or neutral.  Every time we see something or someone, every time an event happens Read More »

Have you ever been so angry that you just couldn’t think straight?  Chances are you have - more than once.  I know I have at times.  Have you ever been so hungry that you just couldn’t think?  And if you did it was either in the form of “I THINK you better get out of my way now!” or in the form of a big juicy steak and baked potato.  Peace turns into disaster fast under these circumstances.  That’s the way we operate.  Certain needs have to be met in order for us to be at our best and to think the clearest. 

In my last post I wrote about a very valuable lesson on how to stop rumination. If you haven’t read that post yet, I highly recommend it.  In that post, one of the points was about not thinking about a pain event until you are calmed down and are in a better frame of mind.  Today we will discuss the conditions favorable for taking a look at a pain event.  One of my favorite parts of this lesson is that it’s a great preventative technique also.  It’s something I try to use on a daily basis. 

This is one of the most simple lessons we teach in SFT Awareness, yet once you see it you’ll probably agree that not only have you violated it many times over, but that you’ve seen others do the same. 

When processing a pain event it’s important to create the favorable conditions to process it.  Set aside a time in a special place where you are not likely to be disturbed.  At this time, in order to be your best it’s important to use the HALT formula.  HALT goes as follows:  Don’t be too:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

photo by: adobemac

That’s it.  It only takes intention and following these simple guidelines.  It’s highly unlikely that you’ll be able to change the way you look at something if these four things are not taken care of.

As you go along throughout any day just remember it’s a good idea to keep HALT in check at all times.  If you allow yourself to violate this simple formula then a disaster is waiting to happen.  Keeping HALT in check simply ensures you are at our best.  Violating HALT could make a silly little insignificant event turn into a real monster. 

So how do you get HALT back in check if it’s not in place? 

Well, if you are:

Hungry - That’s a pretty easy one.  Eat something.  (Preferalby something nutritional, Dr. Nicole would say.)

Angry - Use some techniques from the last post on how to stop negative thinking mixed with some time, a forward focus and seeing things in perspective.

Lonely - This is probably the most dificult one to take care of, but it is possible to do.  One important thing to remember is that with a relationship with God you are never alone.  Draw near to Him.  You can also go see a friend(s), call someone on the phone or connect with some internet buddies.  Contact an old friend you haven’t talked to in a long time.

Tired - Get some good sleep or take a nap.

That’s it.  Keep HALT in check so that you are at your best, prevent things from blowing out of proportion and are able to process an event you don’t like.

Just like in last week’s post, this requires some awareness.  It requires you to listen to yourself or to be in tune to your self and your needs.  I think you’ll agree the inner peace you find is worth the effort!

To learn more you may want to take a look at my friend Ron’s book:  Removing Emotional Pain.

Can you think of a time when HALT was not in place and a disaster happened? 

Have you ever wanted something so bad you just couldn’t stand it?  Have you ever wondered why you just can’t achieve something or move forward?  You want something or you set goals, but no matter how hard you try you just can’t get there?  You’re not alone?  There have been many times in my lifetime when I set goals and I could never seem to reach them.  One goal after another and nothing, nothing.  Very frustrating to say the least. 

I have been thinking about a question related to this now for several weeks.  It has pervaded my mind and I keep thinking about it.  So I posed the question to my husband a week or so ago.  Do you have to figure out what is holding you back from acheiving something in order to acheive it or can you simply make a goal and be so focused that you acheive it?  My husband thought for a moment and then said, “I don’t know.”  Later he said to me “Honey, I think you’re becoming a philosopher with some of the questions you ask me.”  :)  I certainly never thought of myself as a philosopher, but I do enjoy thinking and figuring things out now - something I never took the time to do earlier in my life.

My conclusion, from years of expereience, is that yes, you have to recognize and figure out what is holding you back from accomplishing something and work to process and remove that thing so that you can move forward.  Everyone may not agree with me here, and I’d love to hear what you have to say if you don’t.

Do you want inner peace and happiness?  Do you want success?  Do you want to be the best at something important to you?  Do you want to leave a legacy?  What is stopping you?  That is what I want us to discover.

How do I figure out what is holding me back?

* Look deep and ask the quesion, “Why?”  Now there are two ways to ask the question, “Why?”  One way says, “Why me?”  or “Why is this happning to me? (or why did this happen to me?)”  In other words, “poor pitiful me.”  The other way to ask “why?” is to ask it in order to find the answers to what is holding you back and what you can learn from it.  This could be in the form of “Why am I not reaching my goals?  What is holding me back?  How can I learn from it and change it so that peace can prevail or so that I can move forward to reach my goals? 

* Realize that when you ask the question “Why?” that it is probably something deep burried in your subconscious mind.  This is not always the case, but often it it.  Nonetheless, it is something you are doing or not doing that is holding you back.  It is your weaknesses that you are not aware of.  Keep looking deeper and deeper and asking “why?” over and over again until you figure out the answer.  In Jeffrey Liker’s  book, The Toyota Way, he tells of how the Japanese in the Toyota company ask the question, “Why?” five times in order to find the source of a problem so they can improve upon it.  What you will likely discover when you do this is that…

* Beliefs are usually the things that are holding you back.  When you find these beliefs the next questions to ask are “Why?” (yes, again!)  Why do I hold these beliefs?  Where did they come from?  Are these beliefs real or accuarate?  Now that I see these beliefs what can I learn from them?  How can I change my thinking in order to change my beliefs, in order to accomplish what I want?  How can I use this information to help me have peace of mind and/or success at something? 

* Understanding how beliefs work can go a long way.  Beliefs form habits, habits that we are often not even aware of and these habits dictate your actions and your entire life without you even realizing it is happening.  You see, no amount of positive talk can get you where you want to be if you have negative beliefs burried deep within you telling you the complete opposite.  Uncover and remove the negative so that you can believe the positive.  Once you believe it you can acheive it as Napolean Hill says in his time tested best seller book, Think and Grow Rich.  If the voice burried deep within you says, “You’re no good.  You’ll never accomplish anything.  It’s not really possible for you to have peace” then it is right.  You will not until you first recognize that voice, figure out where it came from and then replace it with an accurate thought and belief.

One of the reasons I like Dr. Nicole  so much is because she uses the “why? approach to physical problems.  She digs deep asking why, why, why til she gets to the root of the problem, exposes it and there finds the solution.  She figures out what is holding people back from good health.  This is evident in her post about McInflamation and Tell Me What’s in Your Shopping Cart and I’ll Tell You What Is Wrong with You.

* Often the beliefs burried deep within you that are holding you back are fears.  Benny Greenberg is doing an excellent series on this topic of fear now which helps to reveal those fears that you may have hidden deep within you.  Recognizing these fears and learning to replace them can go a long way towards helping you have the life that you want - that peace of mind we all want. 

In the next few posts we will discuss some tips and some more things that hold us back along with the things that we can do to overcome them. 

In the meantime, this is open for discussion.  I would love to hear what you have to say about all of this.  What are some things that you have figured out that has held you back? 

 

Have you ever said to someone (or wanted to, but didn’t)…  “Will you please just listen to me.”  How many times have you been trying to tell someone something and they were just not listening?  How many times have you felt like you might as well be talking to a brick wall.  Do you feel that sense of frustration rise up your spine as you think about it?  Have you been a poor listener?  Is listening a thing of the past? 

My friend, Ron Wilkins, was probably one of the greatest listeners of all times.  Ron and his apprentice, Gary Washer have taught me much about listening.  I give them credit for most of this material.  Ron said in his book, Removing Emotional Pain, that listening may be the most difficult [life] skill to learn. I agree with that.  Listening is twofold.  It involves listening to ourselves as well as listening to others.  Today’s focus will be on listening to others. What I have found is that by taking the time and making the effort to listen to others that often times the favor will be returned and people listen to me.

Listening is not easy, but it’s not impossible either. Understanding that listening is not an ability, but a skill that can be learned is refreshing.  (Yes, it can be learned!) 

Before we begin talking about how to listen, we need to first of all understand why we typically don’t listen. 

Understanding why listening is so difficult:

• Many mistakenly believe listening is an ability, not a skill that can be learned.
• It’s not easy to create the conditions necessary for for good listening.
• It takes a lot of effort, time and concentration to gather all the facts in a situation.
• It involves much more than simply hearing words or sounds.
• It’s challenging to see things from the other person’s point of view
• Listening involves getting rid of numero uno - ourselves. 

If listening is so difficult, then why bother with it?

• It prevents you from jumping to conclusions, possibly taking things personally or assuming you already know what the person is saying.  Failing to listen may cause you to take things the wrong way, stripping your inner peace right out from under you.  Listening allows you to see a person’s hurt from their point of view, not yours.
• It’s just plain rewarding to understand someone else.  You get a sense of fulfillment knowing that you are helping someone else to feel validated and understood.   Feeling understood is one of the strongest needs of human beings.
• Stronger, more intimate relationships
• A sense of peace from not having to talk and be number one and feeling like you have to have the last word
• You will become the most interesting person in the world as Dale Carnegie says in his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People
• People will love you forever if you take the time to listen to them. 

So if listening has so many benefits, let’s take a look at how we can become better listeners:

1.  The most important aspect of listening involves “putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes.”  I like to give myself a mental image of literally (but not really of course) transporting myself from my body into the body of the other person.  It helps me to “get inside of them.”  This is challenging, and takes lots of practice to master, but it can be done.  The purpose is to try with all of your being to fully understand the person.  Consider the experiences of this person.

2.  Humility.  This thing of getting into the other person’s shoes requires us to completely forget about ourselves and that is very difficult…..  But, it can be done.  Humility is not an option in learning to listen.  It says to the other person, “You are very important and I want to understand you.  Right now, it doesn’t matter what I think.  All that matters is you.”  Challenging?  Yes!  Rewarding?  Oh yeah!!

3. Give the person your full undivided attention and avoid distractions.  If it’s something really important create the favorable conditions necessary to listen to someone.  If someone is trying to talk to you about something and you are in the middle of something else and know you are not really able to listen at the time don’t fake it. These are magic words for this situation:  “John (or person’s name), What you are saying is important to me, but right now, I’m in the middle of something and don’t feel like I can be a good listener.  Is is okay if we talk about this when I am finished so that I can better understand you?” 

Listen with your body.  When someone is talking to you turn your whole body, not just your head (if at all possible), to face the person talking to you.  Don’t just look over your shoulder or worse yet, continue what you are doing, and say “uh-ha, uh ha.”  That doesn’t count.

Know your distractions.  Is the TV a distraction for you?  A certain show?  Turn it off.  Are you in a restaurant with that significant other and the TV is in your view.  Sit in the other direction or ask for another seat.  Is the daily mail more important than the people right in front of you.  You might try listening to their day first and reading the mail later.  See how much this can enhance your listening skills and your relationships.

4.  Do NOT think about what you are going to say in response.  Humility definitely plays a role here.  Because you are humble and forget about yourself for the moment you don’t need to say anything.  This can be especially challenging, but may actually take a huge burden off of us. 

5. Validation.   Once the other person has spoken, then it is appropriate to reword what the other person has said in our own words to make sure we understand.  We’re repeating back to them what we understood them to say.  This is not accusatory, simply rephrasing.  Remember humility….  An example would be, “So what I hear you saying is……”  or “So you are saying…..”

6.  Ask questions if you don’t understand or have enough information.  You might say, I’m not sure I understand you, could you please say that again” or “Will you please explain that a little more.”  This lets the other person know you are trying to understand them.

7.  Listen to their voice inflections and body language.  Is their voice raised?  Are their arms flailing around?  They may be very upset or just plain mad about something.  Voice and body language leaves many clues.  Become a master at recognizing these things.

What are some ways that you have learned to be a better listener?

Has not listening gotten you into trouble?  How?

Can you name some more benefits to listening? 

photo by clearly ambiguous