What if….

* People loved you and saw the good in you when you got mad at them - and they didn’t get mad back at you?

* People loved you and saw the good in you when you were rude to them – and they didn’t get rude back?

* People loved you and saw the good in you when looked your worst – and they saw your beauty?

* People loved you and saw the good in you when you rolled your eyes at them – and they smiled back at you? Read More »

“There is a man wise in his own eyes?  There is more hope for a fool than for him.”  - Proverbs 26:12

How are your resolutions going so far?  Are you still sticking with them?  My husband said that at work on Monday about 25 people gathered around the lunch table (as opposed to the usual five or six) with their healthy lunches and they discussed their different diet strategies.  On Tuesday there were the usual five or six at the table. The rest were eating out again.  Hopefully, you’ve made it further than that.

To help keep our minds clear and thinking accurately as we go into 2009 there are three more thinking errors that I would like to discuss.  We will begin with the first one of this new year today.

Have you ever wondered why you are always right about things and everybody else just doesn’t know what is going on?  Have you ever wondered why they don’t understand why you are always right and comply?  What is wrong with them?  Unfortunately, today’s thinking error is very close to me.  It’s called: Read More »

“A man who does not think for himself does not think at all” - Oscar Wilde

Do you ever just stop to think?

I have a confession to make.  I have a bad habit. It’s called thinking. Well okay, it’s not really a bad habit, but I sure do a lot of it these days. I used to just take everything as I “knew” it to be.  Now, I’m constantly thinking - thinking about how to improve my life, improve my thinking.  Everything I do originates with my thoughts so improvement must start there.

Last week after writing my last post on the realities we create for ourselves and after attending the last lesson of another SFT seminar simply to hone my skills, I went into deep thought and decided to conduct an experiment.  I began to think about how we all view the world from our own set of rose colored glasses.  This can be good, bad or neutral.  Every time we see something or someone, every time an event happens Read More »

“Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service, and character.”  - William Arthur Ward

It’s no secret.  We live in a me, me, me world.  We want everything our own way and we want it now.  “It’s my way or the highway,” some say.  Some people see absolutely nothing wrong with this philosophy.  In fact, there are probably some people reading this right now that fall into that group.  You may be saying, “I have to have that philosophy or I’ll get run over in this rat race of a world.”  If that is your philosophy let me ask one question - ok, maybe three - “Do you enjoy being around other people with this attitude?  Have you ever had or seen a good boss that possessed this attitude?  Have you ever been around a person in authority with this philosophy that was effective?”  Chances are you have not.

So, why would you want to be humble in this “me” world?

In SFT, I learned early on in my lessons that humility was necessary in order to process and remove emotional pain.  I was told and I have learned by experience that if humility is not in place then it is impossible to remove the pain of an event or situation.  It’s totally useless to every try.  We also call humility the “me factor” in SFT.  I was trained to ask myself, “How’s my ’me factor on a scale of 1-10?’” before even attempting to process pain.  If humility is not there the pain will remain.  I knew first hand that this was going to be one of the most difficult lessons for me to master.  I was right and selfishness is very easy for me to slip back into if I’m not watching.  As a matter of fact, recently I have noticed myself letting the old selfish bug creep in.  It’s no wonder I’ve been struggling in some other areas as well.  But, pain processing is not the only benefit of humility.

As I was thinking about this post and planning out what to say it all the sudden hit me.  There are so many ironies associated with humility.  What I want to discover today is:

The Misconceptions vs. the Reality of Humility:

Myth 1:  Humility means letting people run all over you.  It means you are no good.

Reality:  Humility requires confidence - confidence in self and in God - to the extent that you don’t need to have everything your way.

Myth 2:  Humility means you are weak.

Reality:  Humility is strength under control.

Myth 3:  Humility is for stupid people.

Reality:  Humility requires wisdom - wisdom to see what the outcome will be if you always demand to have things your way.  (pss.-  No one will want to be around you plus you will be miserable.)

Myth 4:  Having humility means everyone will look down on you. 

Reality:  People will respect you if you consider their needs and wants and let them have their way sometimes.  (Four of the men that I have respected the most in my life were the most humble men I have ever known.)

Myth 5:  Having humility means that you don’t deserve anything and will never have anything.

Reality:  At the root of humility is gratitude.  Gratitude recognizes all the blessing you have even though you don’t deserve them.  True gratitude will lead to more blessings than you could ever imagine.

Myth 6:  You’ll always be a low man on the totem pole if you’re humble.  You have to lift yourself up or nobody else will.

Reality:  The results of humility are that you will be lifted up. 

“Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord and He will exalt you.”                    - James 4:10

Myth 7:  You can’t be humble if you are a leader.

Reality:  You will never be a leader if you are not humble (even though you may be in a leadership position).

Myth 8:  I will never get what I want if I’m humble.  Reality:

“The only way to get what you want is to help other people get what they want.”    - Zig Ziglar

Myth 9:  If you are humble you can’t have your way about everything.

Reality:  This one is actually true.  The only downside is that if you demand that the world revolve around you then you will be miserable and disappointed at best.

“What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God.”  - Monica Baldwin

 If humility is such a good thing then, “How do I get it?” 

* One thing that has helped me the most along this continual journey is to focus on my blessings.  At one point I wrote down all the blessings I could think of and I reviewed the list daily.  This really got me to see how truly blessed I am even though I don’t deserve the blessings (that is not a “poor pitiful me” mentality).

* Checking your motives is another good way to work on humility.  Is it all about you?  How pure are your motives - honestly?

* Increase your self esteem.  There’s a number of ways to do this.  Work on yourself.  In other words, focus on growth.  Set specific goals for things you can work on.  Read the Bible and other helpful books to gain ideas. 

* Draw near to God.

* Do something constructive and worthwhile.  Be creative and get to work.

* Practice noticing the interests and needs of others and act accordingly.

In other news:

* If you want to learn more about SFT Awareness I encourage you to read my recent post at Jenny Mannion’s blog.

* The P4P Bookstore is finally open!  Come on in a relax.  Browse around to find some books for your personal growth. 

photo by:  pmarkham

Have you ever said to someone (or wanted to, but didn’t)…  “Will you please just listen to me.”  How many times have you been trying to tell someone something and they were just not listening?  How many times have you felt like you might as well be talking to a brick wall.  Do you feel that sense of frustration rise up your spine as you think about it?  Have you been Read More »

Last week, I was forced to deal with the sudden death of one of my uncles.  It seems that it is maybe an event that shouldn’t have happened - at least not at this time.  Whatever happened, he is now gone and we are forced to grieve his loss and think of his memory. 

Death has been something I have had to deal with a lot over the past six weeks.  First, it was my friend Ron.  Now it is my Uncle Robert.  One thing is certain, we all face death.  It is inevitable.  Sure, science has advanced and people live longer now, but we still can not live forever on this earth. 

Being forced to face death so much has caused me to ponder about life more and reflect over my life.  What can death teach us about life?  Can peace abound in the midst of death?  Sure it can and I believe it should.

So what can we learn from death?

1.  Tomorrow is never guaranteed.  The next hour is never guaranteed.  Life is short.  So what is guaranteed?  Only this very moment.  So the question arises, “What are we doing with this moment?”

I’m not sure of the author, but this is a great quote brought to my attention by my friend David B. Bohls of Slow Down Fast:

Now is mine.
I can do what I want with it.
I own it, for better or worse.
What I do now, in this present moment, is what makes up my life.
My whole life is only a succession of nows.
I will take this moment and do something with it.
What I do with each now will make me or break me.

2.  The biggest thing I have been reflecting on is, “If I were to die right now, how would my epitaph, my eulogy read?  Each of us are writing our eulogy now - at this very moment.  So what is it saying?  Take some time now to reflect on that thought.  I will be doing that over the next few days.  Stephen Covey talks about the importance of doing this in his must read book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

A Thought to keep in mind….

Each moment is a stepping stone or building block to the summation of our life. 

If your stepping stones or building blocks could speak what would they say?  Are they applauding you for a job well done and making your life beautiful and full of peace or are they all crumbling to the ground screaming for help to be re-stacked into a sturdy structure and masterpiece?

A while back, I came across this short, but incredible movie that illustrates this point so well.  It’s worth a look.

3.  How can someone have peace as they face death?  Inner peace is about facing death confidently - knowing you are living the life you are meant to live every day of your life.  It is about living life for God not yourself.

Life is not about staying alive.  It is about being prepared to die at any moment.

WB School is a great resource I have found.

4.  Facing the death of loved ones has taught me not only the importance of reflecting on my life at this time, but to also take the time on a regular basis to do so?  Am I living the life I want to live is a good question?  If not, why not?  If not, then what can I do about it?  What can I do different?

5.  “It’s all in YOUR mind.”  This last one is directly from my uncle Robert.  One of the men presiding at his funeral told the story of how he was making excuses to my uncle.  Speaking about something he was doing, but didn’t feel like he was doing well, the man said to my uncle, “I just don’t feel like I’m making a difference.  I just don’t feel like I’ll ever be any better than I am now.”  My uncle said to him, “Just remember that’s all in YOUR mind, not anybody elses’.”      Thought:   What are you telling yourself?

Homework:

Write out your eulogy.  This is not to be a morbid experience, but rather an exciting one as you lay out how you want to live your life and what you want to be remembered for.  Keep breaking this down into smaller and smaller achievable daily steps and take action to achieve it.  Refer to Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People if needed.

At the end of every day, ask yourself, “If I could change one thing about today and the way I lived it, what would it be?”  What one thing would give me a stronger sense of inner peace?”  Write it down.  Resolve to put that into practice the next day. 

Since Mother’s Day is around the corner, my original thought for this post was to find a great poem about mothers and to post it here and to talk a little bit about the poem. Well, the problem came when I couldn’t find a poem that I liked, so another thought came to my mind. I thought that I would instead write about characteristics of mothers that promote peace in her children. This partly came about because I am not yet a mother and I am constantly asking myself, “If I have children what are the things that I want to instill in them?” And more specifically lately, I have been thinking about how I will work to bring about inner peace or peace of mind in their lives.

So what are some characteristics, some qualities that a mother can possess or exhibit to bring about peace in her children?

1.  Listening and understanding.  I’m not just talking about surface listening.  I want to be the kind of mother that truly seeks to understand what my children are saying beneath their actual words.  What is their body language saying?  What are their feelings?  What are the thoughts behind those feelings?  What are their deepest strongest desires and wishes in life?  What are their interests?

2.  Since peace is the absence of conflict, I want to be a mother who encourages my children to reach their full potential.  If I listen to their interests and what they want to do and encouarge them to go for it with all their being, then what I will be doing is removing any inner conflict they have that could possibly tell them that they can’t really do what they want to do.  In other words I want to eliminate any self limiting beliefs that could possibly arise within them.  I don’t even want it to ever enter their minds that they can’t do something.

3.  When a conflict arises, I want to be a mother that focuses on the solution, not the problem - whether that be a conflict between me and the children or between the children themselves.   Focusing on any problem only brings about more problems and more conflict; therefore the absense peace.

4.  Also, as a mother who promotes peace,  I think it is necessary to raise my children with a purpose.  I see the need to lay out the values and principles that I want to instill in my children and focus on them every day.  I think the biggest mistake that parents make (and it’s one I would have made if I had raised children before this time in my life) is to not raise them with a purpose.  By focusing on these values and principles I see that the most important thing for me to do to eliminate conflict in this area and to promote peace is to:

5.  Walk the talk, as many people call it.  In other words, I need to exemplify these values and principles since children always do what you do, not what you say.  Many people say what they think is important and talk about others who do not do what is important, but few actually do it themselves.  Clearly laying out these values and priorities will eliminate any doubts or conflicts in the child of what is important to me and they will likely follow suit.

6.  One of these values that I believe is crucial for me to promote and teach peace to my children is humility and selflessness.  I believe with humility that about all conflict in the world will be nonexistent.  That is what I have seen in my life.  When I am being selfish and self centered then I have lots of conflict in my life.  When, on the other hand, I forget about myself and focus on the needs of others then I get my needs met also and everyone is happy and full of peace and happiness.  There is no doubt that with a mother’s selfless giving and humility that her children will not only have peace, but that she will find it also.  That is not at all to say they she should ignore her needs, for that is a sure recipe for inner conflict.

7.  One more ingredient I see necessary for me to raise my children to have inner peace is to teach them to see things in perspective or to see the big picture.  In other words, I want to teach them to look at long term consequences or results of their actions or thoughts.  Will what they are doing now effect things for the good or the bad?  Will the current situation matter tomorrow, next week, next decade?  Will it matter 20 or 30 years from now.  I believe teaching them to think this way will help them to not focus on instant gratification, but to think through things.  It will help them not to get too wrapped up in their problems, thus eliminating conflict.

Well, I certainly haven’t covered everything here that I want to teach my children, but this is a good start and I know these are absolutely necessary for me to instill in them…. 

For those of you who are not yet parents:  What are some things you want to do to promote inner peace in your children?

For those of you who are parents:  What are some things you do to promote peace in your children?

 Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World