This week we will continue our series on thinking errors.  If you haven’t yet read the post on labeling and jumping to conclusions then I encourage you to begin there.  I thought it would be best to keep these thinking errors to two to three errors per post so that they would have the greatest impact.  Learning about them is one thing, but knowing them intimately and mastering accurate thinking is the only way this information will make a difference in your life.

So let’s take a look at the next thinking errors:

3. Filtering out the positive in order to point out the negative

With this error people have a “filter” in their mind that only catches the negative.  The positive slides right Read More »

The kick off of our thinking error series will be postponed for a few more days.  I wanted everyone to have the opportunity to check out my guest post, 4 Invaluable Aspects of Positive Thinking,  on the Positive Thinking Day site.  Positive Thinking Day is fast approaching!  If you are unaware of what Positive Thinking Day is Read More »

Have you ever been so angry that you just couldn’t think straight?  Chances are you have - more than once.  I know I have at times.  Have you ever been so hungry that you just couldn’t think?  And if you did it was either in the form of “I THINK you better get out of my way now!” or in the form of a big juicy steak and baked potato.  Peace turns into disaster fast under these circumstances.  That’s the way we operate.  Certain needs have to be met in order for us to be at our best and to think the clearest. 

In my last post I wrote about a very valuable lesson on how to stop rumination. If you haven’t read that post yet, I highly recommend it.  In that post, one of the points was about not thinking about a pain event until you are calmed down and are in a better frame of mind.  Today we will discuss the conditions favorable for taking a look at a pain event.  One of my favorite parts of this lesson is that it’s a great preventative technique also.  It’s something I try to use on a daily basis. 

This is one of the most simple lessons we teach in SFT Awareness, yet once you see it you’ll probably agree that not only have you violated it many times over, but that you’ve seen others do the same. 

When processing a pain event it’s important to create the favorable conditions to process it.  Set aside a time in a special place where you are not likely to be disturbed.  At this time, in order to be your best it’s important to use the HALT formula.  HALT goes as follows:  Don’t be too:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

photo by: adobemac

That’s it.  It only takes intention and following these simple guidelines.  It’s highly unlikely that you’ll be able to change the way you look at something if these four things are not taken care of.

As you go along throughout any day just remember it’s a good idea to keep HALT in check at all times.  If you allow yourself to violate this simple formula then a disaster is waiting to happen.  Keeping HALT in check simply ensures you are at our best.  Violating HALT could make a silly little insignificant event turn into a real monster. 

So how do you get HALT back in check if it’s not in place? 

Well, if you are:

Hungry - That’s a pretty easy one.  Eat something.  (Preferalby something nutritional, Dr. Nicole would say.)

Angry - Use some techniques from the last post on how to stop negative thinking mixed with some time, a forward focus and seeing things in perspective.

Lonely - This is probably the most dificult one to take care of, but it is possible to do.  One important thing to remember is that with a relationship with God you are never alone.  Draw near to Him.  You can also go see a friend(s), call someone on the phone or connect with some internet buddies.  Contact an old friend you haven’t talked to in a long time.

Tired - Get some good sleep or take a nap.

That’s it.  Keep HALT in check so that you are at your best, prevent things from blowing out of proportion and are able to process an event you don’t like.

Just like in last week’s post, this requires some awareness.  It requires you to listen to yourself or to be in tune to your self and your needs.  I think you’ll agree the inner peace you find is worth the effort!

To learn more you may want to take a look at my friend Ron’s book:  Removing Emotional Pain.

Can you think of a time when HALT was not in place and a disaster happened? 

I think it is pretty safe to say that peace of mind is only possible if we learn to stop rumination or negative thinking.  In a recent post by Dr. Nicole Sundene of Kitchen Table Medicine, Dr. Nicole discussed whether or not we can always think positive.  I think it is safe to say that we can train our minds to always have a positive attitude, but let’s face it we are all humans and negative thoughts can creep up.  Today’s post will focus on what to do when negative thoughts do come to mind.

In SFT Awareness, we teach students how to process and remove emotional pain which prevents and eliminates most depression.  It’s similar to Tim Brownson’s teaching of reframing.  There’s something very valuable that we teach students in SFT that prevents them from completing a behaviour cycle that leads to depression and addictions.  It’s called stopping rumination.  What is rumination you ask?  Rumination was a word that I had actually never heard of before learning SFT. 

Rumination is basically a fancy word for negative thinking.  Rumination occurs when a pain event happens - anything you don’t like.  When something happens that a person doesn’t like a process starts that is very similar to cows chewing their cud.  The person will draw on past similar negative experiences.  One negative thought leads to another and another and another.  Then the person will go back to the first thought and chew on it some more and then the next thought and chew on it - over and over again the person thinks about all the negatives of something he/she doesn’t like.  As one of my teachers, Gary Washer, puts it, it is like someone losing their keys and then looking for them in the same places over and over again.  Ever done that?  I know I have.

If someone allows rumination to take place, depression is right around the corner.  Notice I used the word “allows.”  This implies that something can be done about it.  So….

How can you stop negative thinking in its tracks?

1.  The first step in stopping negative thinking is to become aware that you are thinking negative. That may sound silly, but once you start to become conscious of it, you’ll be surprised.  Remember that a pain event is anything you don’t like.  So start to become aware or conscious of things you don’t like.  Notice when you first begin feeling angry, frustrated, sad, stressed or any negative feeling.  That’s the first step.  Train yourself to become conscious.

2.  Make a decision not to think about or dwell on the situation or thing UNTIL you are calmed down and in a better frame of mind. (more on that later.) (Click here to see what the ideal conditions are).

3.  Watch your self talk.

*  Some people at this point may say.  “I can’t stop thinking negative.”  Well if you tell yourself that, then guess what?  ….You can’t.  Change your self talk to “I don’t have to think negative.  I don’t like this and that’s okay, but I choose not to let it ruin my life.  I choose to think positive.  I can stop rumination.  I choose to have peace of mind” This is very liberating!

*  Remind yourself: “What I think on expands.” If you choose to think on the problem the problem will get bigger.  If you tell yourself at this point that “good and opportunities will come from this” your subconscious will begin trying to figure out how good can come from it even though you are not consciously thinking about it.      At this time I like to remind myself of one of my favorite Bible verses: 

“For God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to his purpose.” - Romans 8:28

Then move on….

4.  Replace the time you normally spend in negative thinking with something else. In other words, distract the mind.  A hobby is a great thing to get involved in - especially one that involves the mind.  If you have a hobby you enjoy then participate in that hobby at this time.  If you don’t have a hobby, then find one.  Do a Google search for hobbies if you need to do so.  Be creative.

5.  Draw near to God. Prayer and Bible study will help to turn your focus off of yourself and onto God instead.  I like to remind myself that life is about God, not me.   One thing that helps me stop ruminating more than anything else are these two CD’s:  Glorious God a Cappella Worship and Awesome God: An a Cappella Worship Series. It put’s my life in perspective fast!  (I love these CD’s!).

6.  Think on good things. Think about all the blessings you have and dwell on them.  The best way I have found to do this is to make a list of my blessings at a time when I’m not already upset and then keep it with me.  If a pain event occurs I can pull out my list and read it over and over again.  It sure beats thinking negative thoughts over and over again.

Now, you’re one step closer to having peace of mind….

Happy peaceful living!

For further help on learning to think positive I recommend the great one minute affirmations at:  Think Positive Blog.

What are some ways that you prevent negative thinking?

Who can explain how this picture relates to this post?

photo by:  tonystl

In our last post, we discussed the importance of discovering what holds us back from acheiving what we want or from being where we want to be. 

With all we said last week, there are some things to keep in mind as you work to figure out what is holding you back.  We had some great discussion that I would encourage you to read if you have not yet.  A common theme that kept appearing in the discussion (which was already going to be a major point of this current post) was…

photo by:  _Gene_

* Don’t obsess over or stay focused on what is holding you back.  Work to figure these things out, but don’t obsess over the problem.  Remember that what you focus on expands, as Andrea Hess noted in our comment section in the last post.  Stay focused on moving forward when you do work to figure out what is holding you back. THE INTENTION SHOULD ALWAYS BE TO LEARN FROM WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK SO THAT YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD. 

* It is common to have fear of self discovery.  Don’t allow this to stop or cripple you.  Remember the purpose is to make you a better person, not to wallow in self pity.  I used to fear looking deep into my life.  Now I want to look there so that I can grow from it and become better.

* Don’t get discouraged if you can’t figure it out immediately and don’t try too hard.  Suggest to yourself that you will figure it out.  Set aside some time to think about it, say 20 minutes.  Pray that God will help reveal these things to you.  But don’t try too hard.  Sometimes the harder we try the more we are working against ourselves.  You may simply let your mind wander and see where it takes you and then move on.  If you haven’t figured anything out after this time, don’t fret about it.  It will come to you.  Just focus on moving forward and go on.  Our continued discussion will serve to reveal these things to you so that you can learn and grow.

* Once you figure out something that is holding you back, say to yourself, “Great, now I know how to move forward!”  Then write down what has been holding you back and what you are going to do to overcome it and act on it immediately.  Do you really want one more wasted day?  Knowledge alone will get you nowhere.  It will take action - action that will get you where you want to be. 

Okay, now that you are not stuck on the problems, let’s get specific.  To stay with our theme, the focus will be on what holds you back from inner peace.   Many of the same principles can apply to any goal you set.

Let’s take a look at some blockers and how to overcome them.

Lack of knowledge -  Many people don’t have peace in their lives simply because they don’t know how to have peace in their lives.  That is the purpose of this blog.  I’m assuming that most of you are here because you want to know how to have that peace.  Keep reading.  Knowledge is key.   

Fear of the unknown or letting go - Many people are in their comfort zone and are afraid of pushing forward to the peace that is on the other side.  Fear of getting away from the things with which they are familiar is very frightening.  If this describes you, rest assured that what is on the other side is well worth the effort.  Write down somewhere, “I recognize that I am afraid, but I realize that what is on the other side is much better.  It is worth letting go of the things with which I am familiar in order to have peace in my life.  I resolve to let go of all of it.”  Let your mind focus on that for a minute.

photo by: Dan4th

Lack of consciousness or awareness- Some people are stuck in autopilot without even the awareness that they do not have peace.  They simply live their lives like they always have without a second thought, always doing what they have always done and not even knowing why.  They do not know that they can change their lives by changing their thinking.  They are just trying to get through the day instead of getting something from the day.  If this is you, stay tuned to see how you can change your thoughts to change your life.  Begin thinking about what you can do to get something out of the day.  What can you do to brighten someone else’s day?  Become aware of the negative thought patterns in your mind and begin replacing them with postive ones.

Lack of focus -  Certainly focus is important.  As we stated earlier, what you focus on expands.  Do you want peace.  Focus on peace.  Is there chaos in your life?  Are you focused on the chaos?  Are you surrounded by problems.  Are you focued on them?  What if you asked yourself how you could turn these problems into peace?  How would you do that?  It takes intention.  It takes focus - concentrated focus. 

Are you focused on the right things?  What are your priorities?  If you don’t know, it’s time to think about them and write them down and number them.  If you don’t know what your priorities are peace will never be possible in your life.  Priorities are a must!  Priorities allow you to focus.

More ways to move forward next time….

What are some more things that you have discovered that has held you back?

Have you ever wanted something so bad you just couldn’t stand it?  Have you ever wondered why you just can’t achieve something or move forward?  You want something or you set goals, but no matter how hard you try you just can’t get there?  You’re not alone?  There have been many times in my lifetime when I set goals and I could never seem to reach them.  One goal after another and nothing, nothing.  Very frustrating to say the least. 

I have been thinking about a question related to this now for several weeks.  It has pervaded my mind and I keep thinking about it.  So I posed the question to my husband a week or so ago.  Do you have to figure out what is holding you back from acheiving something in order to acheive it or can you simply make a goal and be so focused that you acheive it?  My husband thought for a moment and then said, “I don’t know.”  Later he said to me “Honey, I think you’re becoming a philosopher with some of the questions you ask me.”  :)  I certainly never thought of myself as a philosopher, but I do enjoy thinking and figuring things out now - something I never took the time to do earlier in my life.

My conclusion, from years of expereience, is that yes, you have to recognize and figure out what is holding you back from accomplishing something and work to process and remove that thing so that you can move forward.  Everyone may not agree with me here, and I’d love to hear what you have to say if you don’t.

Do you want inner peace and happiness?  Do you want success?  Do you want to be the best at something important to you?  Do you want to leave a legacy?  What is stopping you?  That is what I want us to discover.

How do I figure out what is holding me back?

* Look deep and ask the quesion, “Why?”  Now there are two ways to ask the question, “Why?”  One way says, “Why me?”  or “Why is this happning to me? (or why did this happen to me?)”  In other words, “poor pitiful me.”  The other way to ask “why?” is to ask it in order to find the answers to what is holding you back and what you can learn from it.  This could be in the form of “Why am I not reaching my goals?  What is holding me back?  How can I learn from it and change it so that peace can prevail or so that I can move forward to reach my goals? 

* Realize that when you ask the question “Why?” that it is probably something deep burried in your subconscious mind.  This is not always the case, but often it it.  Nonetheless, it is something you are doing or not doing that is holding you back.  It is your weaknesses that you are not aware of.  Keep looking deeper and deeper and asking “why?” over and over again until you figure out the answer.  In Jeffrey Liker’s  book, The Toyota Way, he tells of how the Japanese in the Toyota company ask the question, “Why?” five times in order to find the source of a problem so they can improve upon it.  What you will likely discover when you do this is that…

* Beliefs are usually the things that are holding you back.  When you find these beliefs the next questions to ask are “Why?” (yes, again!)  Why do I hold these beliefs?  Where did they come from?  Are these beliefs real or accuarate?  Now that I see these beliefs what can I learn from them?  How can I change my thinking in order to change my beliefs, in order to accomplish what I want?  How can I use this information to help me have peace of mind and/or success at something? 

* Understanding how beliefs work can go a long way.  Beliefs form habits, habits that we are often not even aware of and these habits dictate your actions and your entire life without you even realizing it is happening.  You see, no amount of positive talk can get you where you want to be if you have negative beliefs burried deep within you telling you the complete opposite.  Uncover and remove the negative so that you can believe the positive.  Once you believe it you can acheive it as Napolean Hill says in his time tested best seller book, Think and Grow Rich.  If the voice burried deep within you says, “You’re no good.  You’ll never accomplish anything.  It’s not really possible for you to have peace” then it is right.  You will not until you first recognize that voice, figure out where it came from and then replace it with an accurate thought and belief.

One of the reasons I like Dr. Nicole  so much is because she uses the “why? approach to physical problems.  She digs deep asking why, why, why til she gets to the root of the problem, exposes it and there finds the solution.  She figures out what is holding people back from good health.  This is evident in her post about McInflamation and Tell Me What’s in Your Shopping Cart and I’ll Tell You What Is Wrong with You.

* Often the beliefs burried deep within you that are holding you back are fears.  Benny Greenberg is doing an excellent series on this topic of fear now which helps to reveal those fears that you may have hidden deep within you.  Recognizing these fears and learning to replace them can go a long way towards helping you have the life that you want - that peace of mind we all want. 

In the next few posts we will discuss some tips and some more things that hold us back along with the things that we can do to overcome them. 

In the meantime, this is open for discussion.  I would love to hear what you have to say about all of this.  What are some things that you have figured out that has held you back? 

 

Last week, I was forced to deal with the sudden death of one of my uncles.  It seems that it is maybe an event that shouldn’t have happened - at least not at this time.  Whatever happened, he is now gone and we are forced to grieve his loss and think of his memory. 

Death has been something I have had to deal with a lot over the past six weeks.  First, it was my friend Ron.  Now it is my Uncle Robert.  One thing is certain, we all face death.  It is inevitable.  Sure, science has advanced and people live longer now, but we still can not live forever on this earth. 

Being forced to face death so much has caused me to ponder about life more and reflect over my life.  What can death teach us about life?  Can peace abound in the midst of death?  Sure it can and I believe it should.

So what can we learn from death?

1.  Tomorrow is never guaranteed.  The next hour is never guaranteed.  Life is short.  So what is guaranteed?  Only this very moment.  So the question arises, “What are we doing with this moment?”

I’m not sure of the author, but this is a great quote brought to my attention by my friend David B. Bohls of Slow Down Fast:

Now is mine.
I can do what I want with it.
I own it, for better or worse.
What I do now, in this present moment, is what makes up my life.
My whole life is only a succession of nows.
I will take this moment and do something with it.
What I do with each now will make me or break me.

2.  The biggest thing I have been reflecting on is, “If I were to die right now, how would my epitaph, my eulogy read?  Each of us are writing our eulogy now - at this very moment.  So what is it saying?  Take some time now to reflect on that thought.  I will be doing that over the next few days.  Stephen Covey talks about the importance of doing this in his must read book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

A Thought to keep in mind….

Each moment is a stepping stone or building block to the summation of our life. 

If your stepping stones or building blocks could speak what would they say?  Are they applauding you for a job well done and making your life beautiful and full of peace or are they all crumbling to the ground screaming for help to be re-stacked into a sturdy structure and masterpiece?

A while back, I came across this short, but incredible movie that illustrates this point so well.  It’s worth a look.

3.  How can someone have peace as they face death?  Inner peace is about facing death confidently - knowing you are living the life you are meant to live every day of your life.  It is about living life for God not yourself.

Life is not about staying alive.  It is about being prepared to die at any moment.

WB School is a great resource I have found.

4.  Facing the death of loved ones has taught me not only the importance of reflecting on my life at this time, but to also take the time on a regular basis to do so?  Am I living the life I want to live is a good question?  If not, why not?  If not, then what can I do about it?  What can I do different?

5.  “It’s all in YOUR mind.”  This last one is directly from my uncle Robert.  One of the men presiding at his funeral told the story of how he was making excuses to my uncle.  Speaking about something he was doing, but didn’t feel like he was doing well, the man said to my uncle, “I just don’t feel like I’m making a difference.  I just don’t feel like I’ll ever be any better than I am now.”  My uncle said to him, “Just remember that’s all in YOUR mind, not anybody elses’.”      Thought:   What are you telling yourself?

Homework:

Write out your eulogy.  This is not to be a morbid experience, but rather an exciting one as you lay out how you want to live your life and what you want to be remembered for.  Keep breaking this down into smaller and smaller achievable daily steps and take action to achieve it.  Refer to Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People if needed.

At the end of every day, ask yourself, “If I could change one thing about today and the way I lived it, what would it be?”  What one thing would give me a stronger sense of inner peace?”  Write it down.  Resolve to put that into practice the next day. 

Have you ever had your head spinning because you had so much going on, so many things to do? Chances are you have. Why is that? Why is life so cluttered with so much? Well, it doesn’t have to be. It wasn’t designed to be that way? So why is it? Let’s discuss….

The topic of simplicity has been prominent in my mind lately. I’ve been thinking about how we will have so much peace in our lives if we simply simplify.

How much time do we spend chasing after things that aren’t even important? How much time and energy do we spend chasing after money and material possessions? It seems that often that is what makes our lives so complex (not always, but often). “So you mean to tell me that we actually have control over the chaos and craziness in our lives? - that it doesn’t have to be so crazy and complex?” Absolutely. You always have the power to control how you live your life and to fill it with peace. But…. I know, there’s so much you have to do. I know… I know… I really do understand.

My husband and I were shopping for a clothes dryers a week or two ago. The one I wanted was a Fisher & Paykel. Ever heard of them? I hadn’t until about a year ago. They are the best on the market. They are a New Zealand company? What makes them so great? What does this have to do with anything? Fisher & Paykel are the best, yet they are the most simple machines out there. They have seven moving parts? Why? “The less moving parts, the less parts to tear up” is their moto. Well, I didn’t quiet want to pay the price tag on that dryer, so we bought a good ole American made dryer with lots of very cheap moving parts that will only last a few years. Maybe in about 5 years when my dryer breaks down, I’ll break down and shell out the dough for something that will last for more than five years.

So what can we learn from Fisher & Paykel? Simplicity - They have simplicity mastered. They have eliminated the unnecessary parts and only kept the absolute necessary ones for the dryer to work. So how can we eliminate the unnecessary things from our lives so that there is less to tear up or break down?

1. It is first of all important to understand why we make our lives complex. People are looking for peace. They are looking for happiness. They are looking for contentment. They are looking for approval. Because they don’t have these things on the inside, they look for it in outside - in things like possessions and activities. Working on making ourselves beautiful on the inside will eliminate the need for so many possessions and things to do on the outside.

2. Reducing our lives to the absolute necessary things by laying out what is most important to us is crucial if we want to have any semblance of sanity. Knowing what is most important is key to eliminating what is least importanat. This is such a liberating thing to do as it will free up so much time - time that we didn’t know we had because we were spending it on things that were’t even important to us to begin with.

3. Remember that the more things we have and buy the more responsibility we have and the more we have to worry about and be concerned with. The more things we have the more of our time and energy is required to tend to them. I know that when I was child I didn’t have a lot of toys - I had some, but not a ton of them, and I loved life as a kid. I didn’t need a lot of “things” to make me happy. I was content to go outside and play in the dirt or the woods beside my house. These days, kids have so many toys they could never possibly play with all of them and they never do. They can’t even fit them in their room or garage.

4.. Here are some questions we can ask ourselves to help simplify life:

• “Which of the things I have and am doing now are the least important to me? Which are the most important to me?”
• “If I were only given one month to live what would I spend my time doing?” What about one week? What about one day?
• Before buying something, ask yourself, “Is this going to make my life more complicated? Will this free up my time to do what is really important or will this take time away from the things that are most important to me?”
• “Will this thing or activity add value to me or to those that I love or will it take away value?”
• “What did I enjoy as a child?” Chances are those are still the simple things that will still bring joy to you.
• “How can I accomplish my goals and be the most effective with the least amount of time, resources and money?”
• “Is this important or just urgent?”
• And to sum it all up: “What can I do or elimate today to make my life less complex and enjoy it more?”

For more information on simplification I recommend these posts:

7 Ways to Eliminate Emotional Clutter

5 Axioms of Life: A Pathway to Happiness

5 Qualities I Find in Successful Entrepreneurs -  especially quality number 3.

Well, for some reason I can’t get this last link to work.  Simply go to http://yes-to-me.com/ and scroll down on the far right hand side to “Best of Yes to Me” and click on the first link there.  Point number 3 is the one I was drawn to on this post.