The time has finally come.  It’s been long in the making… and here it is….. the last of the thinking errors (see others in the list at the bottom of this post.)  And what a great series it has been as I have learned so much from you my readers and I thank you for that.  There are probably more thinking errors that you will notice as you go along this journey we call life, but most will fit into one of the categories we we have talked about here.  If you notice others I would love for you to drop me a line and let me know.  For now, let’s wrap up the last one on the list.

16. Should statements: using “shoulds”, “shouldn’ts”, “musts”, “oughts”, and “needs” to motivate yourself or others through guilt.

photo by: Axel Buhrmann

Consider this:frazzled

“I should go see my mom today, but I can’t because I need to go to the store.  I really shouldn’t even do that because I’ve got to do that thing Mary asked me to do.  If I do that for her she should help me with that problem I needed help with.   Tomorrow, I need to do laundry, but I probably won’t make it to that because I have to go get our tickets for the ballgame.  I really need to sit with Amy at the game because I should talk to her about the things I’ve seen her do that she shouldn’t be doing.  I really shouldn’t be eating this cake now.  I need to be writing a blog post.”

How do you feel after reading that paragraph?  Good, excited, refreshed, bad, guilty?

  • I should (do this or that).
  • I should be doing (this or that).
  • I ought to go see (so and so)
  • I must do (this or that).
  • If I do this for them then they should do that for me.
  • If I treat them right then they should treat me right.
  • I really shouldn’t be doing this.
  • They shouldn’t be acting like that.
  • I have to (or I”ve got to) go (do this or that)
  • I need to go (do this or that).
  • I need to go see (so and so).

Is it always bad to use all these words?  Probably not, but an inaccurate thinker will motivate him/herself through guilt over and over again with these words and still feel bad all the time.  He will also likely try to motivate others through guilt or put unrealistic expectations on others.

A person who motivates himself through guilt simply feels crummy all the time.

Someone who puts expectations on others (They should do this or that.) only sets him/herself up for failure because people often simply do not behave the way they should or the way we think they “should.”

So how does a person change this way of thinking to accurate healthy thinking?

1. An accurate thinker realizes others may not act the way he thinks they should.  Therefore, he drops these expectations from his thinking completely and focuses on his own thinking and life and how to make it the best it can be regardless of what others think or do (or don’t think or do).

2. An accurate thinker sets a clearly defined path for his life, complete with a mission statement,  priorities and goals and he acts accordingly.  (Mike King has an excellent series on goal setting.  This one specifically talks about setting and identifying goals.)

One of the most important lessons I am learning in our forum, Journey to Success, is the importance of clearly laying out exactly what I want  out of life and how to achieve it.  If you would like to get your life going on a clear path and have not yet joined us please accept this invitation to discuss the classic Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill with us.

3. Once a person has set a clearly defined path for his life he uses language like “I will…..” or “I am going to…” or “I choose to….”  (based on his predefined priorities) and the real difference - he does what he has set out is most important to do.  This also frees him up to choose to say “No” to things that are not really important.  An accurate thinker realizes that everything he does in life is a choice.

A life of guilt or a life of living….  The choice is ours.

I”ll be the first to admit that I have been guilty of this error.   I worked on it, but I let myself slip back into it.  I have set out my day saying things like, “I need to - or should (do this or that.)” and act according to that.  Or I start to work on something and I think to myself “I need do (this or that).  I get sidetracked easily.  It’s not something I’m proud of.  I resolve to work on this and to set out the life I want and to make choices accordingly.

Your turn:

Have you participated in this thinking error?  How has it affected your life?  Have you known of others who participated in the “should statements?”  How did it affect their lives?

____________

To learn about the other thinking errors we have discussed follow these links and learn to Change Your Life - One Thought at a Time:  Using names or labels and jumping to conclusions, filtering out the positive and polarized thinking, overgeneralization, mind reading and personalization, maximizing and minimizing,  blaming,  self pity, gloom and doom,  controlling, emotional reasoning,  being right, and Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.

____________

This post was helpful. How can I contribute something in return?

By purchasing from the coffee shop or bookstore. (It’s for a good cause.)