Do You Feel that is Right?
happiness, inner peace, positive attitude, positive thinking, relantionships, thinking errors November 19th, 2008“Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts.”
-Daniel Patrick Moynihan
Are you thinking more positive and accurate? Hasn’t this been an amazing series! I have learned so much from you my readers in this discussion. You have helped me to better train my mind in the areas of accurate and positive thinking. Thank you! Just a few more thinking errors to discuss. Don’t forget that as we learn these errors it’s crucial to replace them with accurate thinking when you catch them. Your attempts at first my be a little weak, but with practice you will become a pro at accurate thinking.
In reality, a positive attitude is one of the foundations for accurate thinking. However, working to eliminate thinking errors and replacing them with accurate thinking certainly helps you to think positive. They both go hand in hand.
If you feel something does that make it true?
- I feel like you did that on purpose.
- I feel like he hates me.
- I just feel like this is right. (Please see comment #12 for further explanation below.)
- I feel like this is what I am supposed to do. (Please see comment #12 for further explanation below.)
- I feel like everyone is against me.
- I feel like no one believes in me.
- I feel like no one cares about me.
- I feel like I’ll never make a difference.
- I feel like I don’t mean anything to you.
Join me as we discuss this next thinking error.
Photo by: frauenfelder
13. Emotional Reasoning: If it’s felt then it must be so.
While it may be true that you actually “feel” a certain way, feelings are not necessarily true and are a very poor determinant of whether something is right (or true) or not. A person with accurate thinking will evaluate the facts of a situation and determine his or her response based on these
facts, not feelings.
Consider this: Two different people can feel two very opposing ways about a certain situation and both feel that they are right. So how do you determine which one is right? - It’s got to be based in facts. What are the facts of the situation?
Emotional reasoning could even be disguised by words like: “I just know I’m right. I just know I am.” The question is: How do you know? What are the facts? In this case someone is likely confusing the words “know” and “feel.” (Please see comment #12 for further explanation below.)
I learned early on in my relationship with my husband (even back before we got married) that this was not right. I tried the “I feel like…” statement several times and luckily he called me out on it and I learned to never say it again. My “I feel like” statements were always followed by something negative and judgmental. That is not always the case for emotional reasoning statements, but often it is.
“There is a way that seems right to a man, but it’s end is the way of death.” -Proverbs 14:12
Often people use their feelings as a guide or justification for doing something. You’ve heard the statement: “If is feels good, do it.” Consider this: What if I feel like stealing your credit card and charging things on it? What if I feel like shooting you? The truth is that prisons are filled with people who did what they felt like. Terrorist even feel like they are doing what is right.
Tips:
When identifying this thinking error look for the phrase “I feel like…”
Next time you feel compelled to use emotional reasoning consider that what you are feeling may not be right and then make an effort to look for the truth.
Ask yourself: Do I know for sure if this is right or could it just be that I feel it’s right? Step back and look for the facts.
Your turn:
Have you (or someone you know) used emotional reasoning? How has it effected you?
To learn about the other thinking errors we have discussed follow these links and learn to Change Your Life - One Thought at a Time: Using names or labels and jumping to conclusions, filtering out the positive and polarized thinking, overgeneralization, mind reading and personalization, maximizing and minimizing, blaming, self pity, gloom and doom, and controlling.
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November 19th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Emotional reasoning is often a cop out. It puts one in paralysis and hampers decision-making. Why? You nailed it - because it just ain’t so. Where is the supporting evidence? What obvious facts do you have to back it up? This is an enlightening post because it hopefully forces folks to look at the futility of this kind of thinking.
The drama queens and dorks may never get this. But at least that’s not your readers.
Tom Volkar/ Delightful Works last blog post..Seven Step Small Business Startup Checklist
November 19th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
First off, Jennifer - this has been an amazing series you’ve written! I think it just has really brought to light all the thinking errors we let slip into our everyday lives - and really, how easily they can become part of our day to day routine. And, in tackling them, you’ve helped us identify what the root causes of these errors are - and that’s the key to helping to limit them in our lives.
So…emotional reasoning. I found myself doing that just a few nights ago - with my wife. In this case, it all had a positive spin to it - but still, I was very much basing my whole thinking on how I “felt” - on the emotion. And while we typically associate negative thoughts with emotional reasoning (I do, anyway) - it’s important to remember those positive moments too. And that’s important - because maybe we’re making these moments “more positive” than in reality they really are. Maybe we’re letting emotions rule our thinking - when we really should think this through logically too. Taking away the emotions, does it still make sense? In this case - I’m thinking along the lines of “I feel like this is just the right thing to do”. And the truth is, I need more to go on. This is good timing, as I’ll spend the next couple of weeks really giving this some honest thought - and with the idea that I limit the emotional reasoning behind the decisions I’ll make. Whew. I think I need to look for the truth behind the emotion…like you’ve said.
Jennifer, thank you!
Lances last blog post..Don’t Worry, Be Happy
November 19th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Tom,
I think you’re right. Emotional reasoning is often a cop out. People are sometimes afraid of the facts or don’t won’t to admit to them. People often “feel” what they want to “feel” and so using their feelings as the standard somehow makes it all justifiable.
Shhh…. Tom, don’t scare away my readers like that. LOL
November 19th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Lance,
I’m glad you’ve enjoyed this series so much. It is practical everyday stuff we can use, isn’t it.
Your comment reminds me of the question I asked my husband last night….. What is the difference between emotional reasoning and following your instinct? I think there is a very distinct difference, but I’m not so sure of the answer to be honest. I think I had the answer this morning, but now I don’t remember what it was. Maybe it will come to me. I think that would make a good discussion here. What do you see as the difference here Lance?
November 19th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
I think the word “intuition” was what I meant to use in the above comment (instead of “instinct.”) What is the difference between emotional reasoning and following your intuition?
November 20th, 2008 at 12:32 am
If you want to blow the thinking right out of the water than change the phrase ‘I feel like…’ to ‘I think I feel like…’ which is actually more correct.
This with any serious amount of attention naturally leads to, ‘Hang on, what am I actually feeling. Sure I call it fear/anger/desire but actually IS IT?’.
Objective observation reveals wonders.
Jarrod - Warrior Developments last blog post..Two Pronged Learning: Learn to Learn
November 20th, 2008 at 6:32 am
Hi Jennifer,
So - the difference between emotional reasoning and intuition. This is interesting. Now, I’m questioning where I’m at with what I discussed. I definitely see a difference. For me, when I think of intuition - it’s not necessarily what I say so much as what I truly feel inside - more like a “gut instinct”. It’s not based so much on what I say out loud, as opposed to really feels right inside. So, then could I have this feeling inside (intuition) - and then also use “feeling” language? Sure, I could - and then that would be emotional reasoning in regards to the spoken “feeling” language. But it would not affect our intuition (what we “know” is right). Am I getting off-track here? I’m having a hard time getting my arms all the way around this whole idea of if you have both at the same time. And what that means. Especially if they are in alignment with each other. Is emotional reasoning wrong in this case? Maybe not. And I suppose this is when we should take a if we know for sure if this is “right”. And that’s when we fall back to either non-emotional reasoning or our intuition. But we don’t rely solely on the emotion that is going into the response.
Lances last blog post..Don’t Worry, Be Happy
November 20th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Jarrod, I can see how that would help. Whatever it takes to get us to take an objective look at things instead of just accepting our emotions as truth. Thanks for your comment.
If we realize the fact that thoughts come before feelings or emotions then if we catch ourselves using this reasoning we can then say, “Wait a minute. What’s going on here.” There’s likely some other thinking error that this reasoning is tied to. Usually the statement that follows “I feel like…” will reveal the other error(s).
November 20th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Lance, you have some good thoughts on this. I think I’m following you. I too have a hard time wrapping my brain all the way around both.
I think our intuition comes by training it. Maybe I’m wrong here, but I think not. Think and Grow Rich talks about how our “sixth sense” can only be understood and developed after we learn the other principles of Hill’s teaching. I think our intuition comes after we have properly fed our subconscious the truth and the right things. Could we feed our subconscious the wrong things. Sure! We do every day. But when we remove all thinking errors and feed it the truth and the proper desires then our intuition is trained properly. That’s just my thinking for now. I don’t think I necessarily have a full grasp on it, but that’s my thinking…. Emotional reasoning and intuition are very different though. My mentor Ron, had the strongest intuition I have ever known and had extremely accurate thinking. Amazingly so. His mind was fully trained.
I’m open to anyone else’s thoughts.
November 20th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Hi Jennifer, this is a great topic. I find myself in two minds though. I consider myself to be what I call a “feeling” person. Many of my decisions are based on what I feel i.e. if I should or should not do something. When I go with my feelings 90% of the time I am happy with choice I have made. When I go against my feelings 90% of the time I am not happy with the decision I made.
Does this mean that I am an emotional thinker, I do not believe so (but I am open to your thoughts. Most of the time when I get a feeling to do or not do something it is almost as though the feeling comes from a very deep part of me that I do not always have access to, so is that intuition do you think?
Carol Kings last blog post..In Whose Mind Does Victimization Really Exist?
November 20th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Hi Carol. Thanks for your comment and question. It sounds to me like you are using your intuition and are in tune with it which is great and not the point of this post. I’m not sure if you have been following the other discussion in the comments section, but that is what we are talking about. It sounds like what you are talking about is definitely your intuition so to that I would say congratulations for being in tune with it! I loved how you talked about this feeling coming from a very deep part of you that you don’t always have access to. I think that’s the cue.
November 20th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Wanted to hopefully clear up some confusion here about these phrases:
- I just feel like this is right.
- I feel like this is what I am supposed to do.
“I just know I’m right. I just know I am.”
I was not referring to intuition or gut instinct when I wrote these. I was using these statements in the sense of someone who may be using emotional reasoning as in: arguing whether or not something is right or wrong or trying to justify their thoughts or actions to do something they want to do.
Sorry for any confusion over this.
If you are in tune with your intuition congratulations to you.
November 20th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
@Jennifer: “If we realize the fact that thoughts come before feelings or emotions”
I disagree with this statement. In my experience, thoughts and emotions can occur independently of each other.
Sometimes thoughts trigger emotions, emotions sometimes trigger thoughts.
Jarrod - Warrior Developments last blog post..Two Pronged Learning: Learn to Learn
November 20th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Jarrod, thanks for your input. I agree that emotions can very easily appear to come before thoughts. They are closely intertwined, but with training one will notice that a thought does come first. I used to didn’t think it worked that way (I opposed it), but with training I was able to see that it actually did. It takes great skill to recognize it, but it can be learned. Otherwise we wouldn’t be able to change negative emotions by changing our thinking. We pretty much always notice the emotion first. With proper training one will learn to recognize the emotion and then see what thoughts preceded it.
That’s why two different people can feel two different emotional responses to the same exact situation. They both had different thoughts that preceded the emotions. It happens very fast.
November 20th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
This idea of thoughts coming before feelings - I tend to think that something is triggered in your mind, that releases the feeling. And that “seems” like the thought coming before the emotion. It’s hard without trying to look at a specific example - and this is just one example - so I’m not saying it’s indicative of everything - let’s say someone criticizes something you’ve worked very hard on. In this case, I think your mind takes that thought in, internalizes it (albeit very quickly) and has the thought that this doesn’t “feel” good. Does this make sense? Does it fit with what is being said? And, really - is this a hard and fast rule for everything? To Jarrod’s point - maybe there is something out there I’m not thinking of. However, I think this example fits with the idea of the thought before the feeling. Again, I don’t know - could there be something out there?
Lances last blog post..Don’t Worry, Be Happy
November 21st, 2008 at 9:33 am
Hi Jennifer, my apologies I did miss understand you, thanks for clearing that up.
On thoughts before feelings - what Jarrod said “Sometimes thoughts trigger emotions, emotions sometimes trigger thoughts” it can seem like the question of which came first “the chicken or the egg”. But to discover if thoughts trigger emotions you must first learn to slow your mind and capture the thoughts that precede the emotion, sometimes it happens so fast that we miss the thought and only experience the emotion. I think it is something that needs to be learned, I do not think it comes naturally.
Carol Kings last blog post..My Mind Movie Results
November 21st, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Yes Lance, you are on the right track. What actually happens in the case you gave is a person’s mind takes what the other person said and will instantly start adding other things to it, like they tell themselves they’re no good, He’s a jerk, etc., etc. Negative emotions immediately result from these thoughts that they told themselves. So they not only hear the actual criticism, but their own added thoughts as well - but, the vast majority of people never realize that. The first step in teaching someone to process emotional pain is to first recognize the pain event. A pain event is defined as something we don’t like or upsets us. So when we feel upset that’s our trigger to stop and say “hey, wait a minute. I don’t like that.” Once a person starts to recognize pain events when they happen then they can follow the next steps towards processing the pain. That will include at some point writing out these thoughts that they have told themselves and they will really start to see the thoughts that preceded the emotion. That’s a little more than I meant to get into but maybe it helps….
SOMETIMES anger can come over a person instantly as a biological response to something - as in a flight or fight response to protect themselves. However, more often than not anger is a result of the things we tell ourselves.
There will always be things we don’t like. It’s ok. It’s what we decide to do with it and how we decide to handle it that makes the difference.
November 21st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Carol, my apologies to you for making it ambiguous. Glad we got it cleared up.
You said it perfectly with these words:
“But to discover if thoughts trigger emotions you must first learn to slow your mind and capture the thoughts that precede the emotion, sometimes it happens so fast that we miss the thought and only experience the emotion. I think it is something that needs to be learned, I do not think it comes naturally.”
YES, it is something that needs to be learned. It does not come naturally.
November 21st, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Maybe I need to clarify my terminology a little. I treat the mind processing stimuli as separate to thoughts.
So taking the insulted example I have clearly noted a ‘thump’ and then burn in my chest without anything other than the unconscious understanding of language between it. (With this sort of thing I have also seen it the other way with thoughts preceding).
A better example is probably in martial arts, where a big strong guy is coming at you and you feel the chest constrict etc. A similar but more everyday occurrence is when someone comes to far into your personal space and a sense of uncomfortableness appears (once again, primarily these small sensations occur in the chest).
“SOMETIMES anger can come over a person instantly as a biological response to something”
I think we both seem to agree that not all emotions are preceded by thoughts. I would definitely say that all emotions that occur as a logical response to something are indeed preceded by thoughts. After all, logic is a function of the mind, not the heart.
November 21st, 2008 at 11:12 pm
I’m late to this thread, and it is late, so I’m going to skip the other comments (though it looks like there are cool discussions).
What this post makes me think about is how people, including myself, speak from feelings — and make up reasons for feeling that way. I do that when I’m upset or threatened. I’d start spewing out reasons why I did or didn’t do or whatever — but my reasons don’t make any sense at all. I don’t mean to lie, and I know it’s pretty transparent — people can see through that easily.
Of all the thinking errors, this one I feel most embarrassed and vulnerable about.
ari
Ari Koinumas last blog post..Life’s Survival Guide for Sensitive Souls
November 24th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Jarrod, thanks for explaining further and for a good discussion. Something to consider: If the person had told himself that he worked hard very hard on the project, but no one may like the it, would the thump have occurred?
November 24th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Ari, your comment is always welcome no matter how late. I often find myself reading your posts late, but there’s always good content I can comment on.
I know you are a sensitive soul. I look forward to reading about that on you blog. I used to be extremely sensitive as well. As a matter of fact both my husband and I were when we first married. It was difficult. We both learned to not be so sensitive about things and that really helped. We also learned each other and what buttons not to push and where to encourage. Marriage is constantly about learning, isn’t it.
I can identify with making up things for feeling a certain way. It really doesn’t take much to try to justify being upset about something. In fact justifications are usually almost always very weak. That’s just the nature of them. But somehow we make them work for us. If we stop and take a look at them we can easily pick them apart.
I know you well enough that if you are embarrassed about it you will work on it. I’m embarrassed about several of them. I keep finding ways to improve.
November 28th, 2008 at 5:25 am
@Jennifer: The reaction is not easy to predict. For the thump to not occur in some regards would require that either another more powerful reaction take place (such as thoughts) or that all the ‘regular’ responses to the situation that involve the thump have been deeply understood by the person.
Jarrod - Warrior Developments last blog post..Living Within an Inch of Your Life