A Source of Huge Frustration
cognitive behavioral therapy, inner peace, marriage, positive attitude, thinking errors November 13th, 2008“Oh that I had the wings of a dove I would fly away and be at rest.” - Psalms 55:6
Last weekend I attended the funeral of my husband’s grandma. It was a sad occasion, but also a happy occasion as we released her on into her heavenly home. She was a beautiful Christian lady with a very positive attitude. She was ALWAYS happy and encouraged others to be as well. She signed all cards that she sent everyone with “Be happy” at the end. She knew that happiness was a choice. I gained a whole new appreciation of her and her influence on her family and specifically my husband while I was at the funeral. She possessed the attitudes (positive attitude and humility) necessary to remove emotional pain and it was evident in her happy life. Because she possessed these attitudes then the skills to remove emotional pain also naturally fell into place - thinking errors being one of them.
At the funeral I saw something I had never seen before. The funeral director released some white doves into the air. They released three doves first. They circled around. These were to symbolize those who have already passed from this life. Then another was released. This dove represented my husband’s grandmother. All the doves circled around for a while and then they all flew home. This represented her spirit going home to heaven to meet with those who went before her. It was a very beautiful event. To learn more about this, I found this website about white dove releases and funerals. There are other sites as well.
After this event the thought rang clear in my head - when we release emotional pain from our lives it is as though we are taking on wings of a dove and flying away to be at rest. We are leaving our burdens behind and are freed from the baggage. We are lifted up. Removing thinking errors from our lives is such a huge part of this. With each thinking error we remove we become lighter and lighter and take on our wings.
Join me as we discover a new thinking error to shed from our lives so that we can take on our wings. This error is one of the biggest sources of frustration we can bring upon ourselves:
12. Controlling - attempting to control others, events and situations.
The two greatest misconceptions carried into a marriage is the woman believing that the man is going to change, and the man believing that the woman is not.
Burdened and frustrated is the person who tries to control the thoughts of others and events that are outside of his control. Wise is the person who can distinguish between what he can control and what he can not.
Undoubtedly, trying to control things that I can not control has been a stressor in my life and I have witnessed it be a huge stressor in the lives of others. It’s an easy trap to fall into before we even realize what has happened.
Tips and Pointers:
* Wayne Leeper notes in “God’s Way….” that, “We only have control over our own [thoughts], feelings and actions. We can not make another person see what he doesn’t want to see, hear what he doesn’t hear, or feel what he doesn’t want to feel. We can only conduct ourselves in such a manner as to elicit the response we desire on the part of the other person.” (But their response is ultimately their choice.)
* Trying to force someone will only bring about resistance or the opposite response of what you are trying to elicit. Trying to force someone to love you will only push them away. The same holds true for trying to control situations over which we have no control.
* If you find yourself burdened or stressed it’s a good idea to ask yourself if you are burdened or stressed about something that you can not even control or have no business controlling. If your answer is yes then it’s time to start letting go.
* Letting go is very rewarding.
* Do not tell someone what to do or how to do it unless asked to do so.
I used to try to tell my husband how to do things. It drove me crazy that he did things different than I did. Finally, I learned to celebrate our differences and allow him to do things his own way. It greatly improved our marriage (and my frustration level). I appreciate him and his uniqueness more now.
photo: This is a dove I sculpted a few months ago.
Your turn:
Share some examples. Have you used the thinking error of controlling? How has it effected your life? How did you change it or are you planning on changing it?
Have you witnessed others using this error? How did it effect their lives?
You made the dove - how cool Jennifer!
What a wonderful celebration of life - the releasing of the doves. And a life that was lived fully here, and beyond. I just find so much beauty in releasing first the doves that represent those that have went before - and then releasing the final dove - another joining those that have went before - being taken “home”.
Controlling - I wonder how often marriages are strained because of this thinking error? I’m sure it’s a lot. My marriage has been strained because of this. When two people come together, it’s two people bringing their life experiences, their nuances, their individuality, etc. together. And, it’s a natural tendency to want to do (at least) some of the things we do - the way we’ve always done them. So, there has to be some give and take. But, it’s also easy to get into the mode of trying to “control”.
While I think I’m in a very healthy marriage, and for the most part - always have been - that doesn’t mean I haven’t been controlling. And the thing is, often I wouldn’t even realize it. For instance, my wife used to have this fear that she couldn’t buy anything semi-expensive without first consulting me. She felt that I was controlling her (in this case mentally) - by giving her a real impression that she shouldn’t be spending our money or buying things that I deemed “unnecessary”. And yet, I didn’t even realize I was doing this - but I was. By remarks I would make, by things I wouldn’t say, by looks I might give, etc. For all of this, I am not proud. In fact, it really saddens me to think I acted this way - and then didn’t even realize I was. Luckily for me - she has a big heart - and she took a stand - and called me out on this - in fact, doing it several times. Maybe it takes a while to get through to me. Things are pretty good now - I’m much better - although I think some of the damage I did earlier in our marriage still lingers today - her not fully getting beyond what I had caused earlier.
Lances last blog post..Believe In Yourself
Lance, the dove ceremony was truly beautiful. I had never seen it before.
I would say that many marriages are destroyed because of this error. And it likely even starts before marriage - thinking that you can change the person after the marriage. I think much of it is natural as you said. We’ve always done things our way and we want it to continue that way regardless if it’s the best way or not. It really is a matter of give and take with a foundation of humility.
Many of things we do in marriage that are damaging are done unknowingly. I think that’s good in a way. At least were not intentionally hurting the one we love. It sounds like your wife is a wonderful woman from all that you have said about her. I’m sure she will forgive you fully. I believe a sincere apology will go a long way with such a kind soul as hers and she will be able to let go. Finances are one of those big strainers in a marriage. It just takes very clear open communication and trust in the other person. It can be difficult, but it is possible.
Thank you for sharing that great example Lance.
Your husband’s grandmother sounds like an amazing, beautiful person. What a fitting way to release her spirit! I’m sure that it was a very touching ceremony.
I would have to say that this is the main source of frustration in my and my husband’s marriage. I’m (kinda) stubborn… I’ll admit it. There are so many times that I don’t want to give in to an issue because I want to be the “right” one. It never works out well for me or him. I really am trying to work on this, and your article is a good reminder of the things that are important in life. Being happy.
Thank you for the beautiful reminder!
Rachel
AverageGals last blog post..Frozen Fingers Syndrome?
Hi Jennifer. That is a beautiful dove you made.
I’ve used the thinking error to control my own self. Filtering things to only allow what I consider to be good to come out. Always looking for permission to speak the truth. That actually cheats those around you if you aren’t honest with them because really, you have no control of how people respond. Their responses and their own thinking errors are their responsibility.
I’m learning through noticing and practicing to change this habit. It’s fun to watch yourself make changes with your eyes wide open.
Davinas last blog post..Video — Preparation Inspires Self-Confidence
Well, the need to control others only stem from lack of security in self — again, the root cause of self-esteem. You do that, because otherwise the way you are is not OK.
I caught myself doing this nasty habit of lying to manipulate others today, in fact. I was talking to a banker about my business — and the guy was pretty negative and confrontational in tone, saying stuff like “a business loan is not for funding your rock ‘n’ roll dream.” So when he asked me how much money I had in bank, I inflated the amount I had by a little bit, trying to make myself look more legitimate in his eyes.
The thing is, I didn’t like the guy. I’ll never call him again and there’s no way I’ll work with his bank. Why do I care what he thought of me? It’s just that I felt threatened today — I felt unsafe in his presence. So I tried to control him by lying.
Well, the good part is that I caught myself, and I told only the truth to the rest of the bankers I talked to. And you know what? Many of them were quite receptive to the truth I told. There was no need to control. I should’ve just let this guy think of me whatever he wished. It was obvious from the phone conversation that we were incompatible.
ari
Ari Koinumas last blog post..The 7 Keys to Breaking Bad Habits
Hi there my favorite blogger!
I’m just getting back into the swing of things after having returned from London this week, catching up on reading some of my favorite blogs.
Two things jumped out at me here;
1. Being happy is definitely a choice that you can control - your grandma was right about that. There are a number of ways you can switch your mood from the lower end of the emotional range to happy - things like putting on your favorite music, going for a walk, talking to a good, upbeat friend or doing something you love doing (whatever it is).
2. Controlling people, places and circumstances definitely sets you back. I remember years ago I had just met this guy who I was becoming friends with (New York City). He had this wierd way of laughing (like a hyneia). Back then it bothered me because every time he laughed, every one within hearing range would stare at us, making me blush. Well, one day I decided I had enough of what other people thought. We were in a coffee shop and I said something funny, making him laugh in that weird way. Not once did I try to control it - I just let him be and even though people stared, I didn’t care! I felt total freedom and that was huge for me.
Thanks for reminding me of what’s truly important - happiness and not controlling others.
Stephen Hopsons last blog post..How Making an Irrational, Last-Minute Decision Can Change Your Life
Rachel welcome! It’s great to have you here!
Thank you for your kind words about my husband’s grandmother.
Thank you for pointing out the relation of controlling to stubbornness. I’ve never really thought of it that way. Stubbornness is a thinking error we haven’t discussed yet, but I can definitely see now how they often go together. Usually thinking errors do come in groups.
I too struggle with stubbornness especially in marriage and it is something that I am constantly trying to improve. I totally identify with you. You are so right in the fact that nothing good ever comes from it. Being happy is a lot better than always being right isn’t it! They just don’t (can’t) go together.
Hi Davina. Thank you for your compliment about the dove.
Thank you for that insightful response. One of the things I have enjoyed most about this thinking error series is how much I have learned from my reader/commenters. I have learned so much from you and others.
So by trying to control how others reacted you were lying to and controlling yourself. You are so right in that it cheats those you are trying to control and it cheats you from being honest. It’s lose/lose for everyone. Yes, we can try to guess how people are going to respond, but we have no control of it ultimately. If they choose to participate in errors then, yes it is their responsibility. It’s just up to us to be honest in an assertive way. When done right, you not only feel free to speak the truth, but it’s win/win for everyone.
Isn’t it great to make positive changes in our lives full force and see the benefits!
Ari, Oh how often we are on the same wave length! After I wrote this post I was thinking of the exact same thing - that we try to control others because of our lack of self confidence. When we are confident with ourselves there is no reason to try to control others. In essence when we are not comfortable with ourselves we are not comfortable with others and the way they are. Excellent point.
That was a really good example you gave of controlling. When we feel threatened we do lots of things to make ourselves look good including things like lying to try to control others thoughts and actions. You were very wise to back away and to work with someone with which you are comfortable. Honesty really is the best policy. You have a lot to offer and the right banker will realize that with your honesty. I do look forward to seeing the progression of your business.
Thank you for this great example.
Hi Stephen! Your favorite blogger? - I’m going to take that as a huge compliment!
I’m so glad you made it back from London safely and I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your trip.
Yes, being happy is something we can control. Isn’t that wonderful! In fact we can only control our on thoughts and actions. We can control them so that they bring us happiness. I love your suggestions of things we can do to bring our happiness level up. While I typically focus on things a person can do to reach inner happiness or peace there really is a lot we can do outwardly to help us also. Great suggestions.
Thank you for the great example you shared of controlling. I’ve heard you tell about that guy before and how you came to peace with it all. It’s a great story. Didn’t you feel so much better when you decided not to try to control him anymore! It is truly a liberating thing to do. It actually feels great to let a person be who they are with no reservations. This was a perfect example of that.
It is great to have you back!
Hi Jennifer - I love the story of the releasing of the doves. How touching and meaningful. My sympathies go out to you and your family.
It’s funny how we try to control others, and like your quote says, it happens in marriage a lot. It makes me wonder if that goes back to people wanting a perfect world, or at least one that “looks” perfect.
I highly agree with the letting go statement. I’ve learned I cannot control how others think or what they do. When they are loved ones, all you do is hope for the best (outcome).
Barbara Swafford - Blogging Without A Blogs last blog post..NBOTW - For The Love Of Words
Hi Barbara. Thank you for your kind and sympathetic words toward me and my family.
That’s a good point Barbara. I can definitely see how this error could also be tied to the error of perfectionism. We want our world to be perfect, so we expect ourselves to be perfect and everyone else. So in turn we try to control them to be perfect. When we can learn to accept our weaknesses and our strengths and realize we are not perfect then we can be forgiving and tolerant of others as well.
Letting go does feel good, doesn’t it. I think it is most difficult when it is our family members. We do have to give them up to God and pray for the best for them when it is out of our control.
beautiful story, beautiful dove and it sounds like grandma was a beautiful spirit.
earlier this year i did some transformative mindfulness work with a friend. i knew nothing about it going in, only that a friend had asked for some test clients and i am always up for a new experience. she was doing a facilitators course and needed subjects. i was known as gp1 — guinea pig 1!
it was one of the best things i have done in quite a while. in one of the exercises, i drew an image of me…..there was alot of red swirling around my upper back and shoulder area. there were small squares there as well. i told her that this is the area where stress typically first manifests itself in me on my right side. it has for years. what i realized is that the squares were each boxes i carry on my shoulders - they contain stress.
the image taught me alot. i, for a long time, would describe myself as a fixer. but i need to be selective in what i fix. by taking on others problems (possibly a control issue or avoidance of my own issues and concerns) i add additional boxes on my shoulders — i need to leave those boxes with their owners.
since then, i continue to work on this in my life. i continue to look at issues and determine, is this my issue? do i need to hang onto it? can i affect change? should i affect change?
if the answers are no, i try to let it go. i work to not put it in a box and add it to my emotional weight.
storm
storms last blog post..serendipity and strokes
Storm,
As an artist myself, I really appreciate your comment. It makes so much sense. Thanks for sharing this amazing experiment with us.
You learned a lot about yourself, didn’t you?! What a vivid reminder of the need to let things go! Your subconscious put it right on the canvas (or whatever you were painting on). I bet you can see that image in your head of your painting every time you start to take on stress and things that are outside of your control. I bet it would help to mentally picture yourself handing those boxes back to their owners.
I bet you feel so much lighter now that have learned to give back the boxes.
Thanks again for sharing Storm!
[...] people use the word “you” an insult or negative thought is sure to follow and/or the thinking error of controlling is involved. Implementing the “You” Rule helps to ensure that these things do not [...]
Great points with the thinking error of control. So many years of my marriage was spent in a tug of war as my spouse and I tried to control each other. We were fused together in an unhealthy way, not really wanting to allow each other to be their own person. We have since moved to a more differentiated marriage. While we are not where we were, we are not there yet. But progress not perfection right? Really you have so much more freedom when you let the other person be who they are. You then can choose what you want for yourself. It is freeing to live where you are only controlling yourself.
Laurie, this controlling thing is still something that I have to sometimes keep under control with my husband. I’m much better and still getting better. I would say to celebrate how far you’ve come and keep pushing forward. Yes, progress, not perfection. It really is very liberating to let go! Very liberating! In fact, I caught myself tonight and it felt good to let go.
[...] 12. Controlling - attempting to control others, events and situations. [...]