Come and Share in My Misery
cognitive behavioral therapy, happiness, inner peace, positive attitude, positive thinking November 5th, 2008“All the days of the afflicted are evil. But he who is of a merry heart has a continual feast.” - Proverbs 15:15
I’m pitiful.
There’s just no hope.
Nobody loves me.
I’ll never amount to anything.
I’m just stuck in this pitiful ole’ life of mine.
Nothing will ever change.
Well, I guess that’s just the way things are going to be for me.
That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
That figures. That’s just my luck. Nothing’s ever in my favor.
Have you ever told yourself anything like this? I have. And I believed it too.
11. Poor me thinking: self pity, gloom and doom is the thinking error/lie that is next in the series on Change Your Life One Thought at a Time.
(To check out the other thinking errors you can access all of them in the last post on blaming.)
This could also be referred to as a martyr or victim mentality. Feeling that you are stuck in a situation is a pretty good sign that you are participating in the poor me thinking error. There are few times that we are actually stuck in a situation (jail is about the only one that comes to mind right now), but even if we are stuck, we can still choose our attitude. “Stuck” is simply a matter of perspective.
“Poor, pitiful me” is a very easy lie to fall prey too. It even seems to come more natural with some personalities. But nonetheless it can be conquered.
My husband and I became the king and queen of self pity for a long time in our marriage. It was quiet a pity party - our whole life. Poor me this, poor me that. We doomed ourselves to this life over and over again throughout the day. We literally thought we were doomed to live a pitiful humble life all of our lives. (Not that humility is bad, but when mixed with pitifullness it is. Excuse the grammar, but it is bad wrong. As a matter of fact that is not humility.)
picture by: corsinet
Finally, a book, “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind,” was recommended to me for some reason and I decided to read it. While I certainly didn’t agree with all the teachings in this book, it really opened my eyes up to the fact that we were doing this to ourselves and that we would always be poor and pitiful because of what we were telling ourselves. Thankful for this new found knowledge, we began changing our self talk and it was wonderful.
And then we learned the SFT Awareness material and our eyes were opened and lives changed even more.
It all comes back to this truth: What you focus on expands and is your reality. Focus on self pity and you get self pity. Focus on blessings and you’ll get more blessings.
The truth of the matter is we were not made for self pity and misery, but for greatness, as Lance reminds us in his post about fear. We will never reach our potential if we are stuck in self pity. Changing our mindset and attitude to greatness and reminding ourselves of our worth will reap many blessings for us. (I’m not talking about money here, I’m talking about our mindset and our every aspect of our lives.)
Wayne Leeper, in his excellent book, God’s Way for Finding Every State Contentment, notes that, “It is easy to get down in the dumps, but staying there is a matter of choice. We can choose to live a life of self pity, gloom and doom or we can choose to live a life of optimism and joy” (just as the wise man Solomon noted in the opening quote, above.)
Have you fallen prey to the thinking error of self pity, gloom and doom? How is it or how has it affected your life? Or how have you seen it effect others’ lives? Do you have a success story of overcoming self pity and choosing a life of joy?
Coffee of the Week: Deadman’s Reach
Lucky me, people in my family don’t tolerate pity of any kind. We get quite irritated if someone says ‘poor you, you have to work so much or study so or something on those lines’. We usually correct others that we choose this, there is no need for pity.
I think some mistakingly see gloominess as reality; if we can see it the other way around, in a way where reality came first and gloominess was fabricated around it–if we can think that way, then we can begin to empower ourselves and see a brighter future.
Avani, lucky you for sure! And GOOD FOR YOU for not allowing pity of any kind. There really is no excuse or need for it.
Oktober Five, Welcome!!! Well said! Reality always comes first. The self pity follows - as a choice. Realizing this is extremely empowering!
That actually sounds like me. Until my wife comes and kicks my rear.
Some personalities are more prone to this type of thinking. And I do have to say this: When done in a highly concentrated manner, it CAN work as an outlet for some emotional pain. In depression, we can’t help but wallow in self pity. To deny it is to drive down the hurt deeper. The difference, though, is that this self pity/wallowing is a bit different from the belief that one is “stuck.” I am using it precisely to move things, to get things out of my system.
That said, this type of thinking can very easily become a habit, the perpetual state. That, as you pointed out, is a complete killjoy.
When the hurt piles up, I give myself a certain time frame to wallow, and do it in an (this sounds odd, but it’s true) abundant way. I pull out my most dreadful music, watch most tragic movies — really immerse myself in my martyrdom. Usually, I’ll know when I’m done, and then I just shut this “poor me” off. Back to regular life.
ari
Ari Koinumas last blog post..Fear of Success: Why, and How to Beat It
Isn’t self pity so seductive? I think during some of the harder times I went through in school it was SO easy to get sucked in to self pity on those 14 hour long days of classes and weekends of working–but then I would remind myself that fifty years ago my own grandmother didn’t have the option to be a doctor, and that was why she became a nurse instead. She had no other choice.
Choice can be extremely empowering and no matter how hard things may feel in America we are still a country full of the privilege of choice.
Dr. Nicole Sundenes last blog post..How to Transform Fear
Hi Jennifer. I’ve been there, done that. I still go there once in a while. But I don’t choose to stay there. I see it as a learning opportunity. Whenever I find myself “there” it is a call to action; meaning something is not right. I’m selling out on myself somewhere. Once I figure that out I go merrily on my way.
I used to get down on myself for feeling down. But that only makes matters worse. We are human and sometimes feelings come up and I’m learning to not make them wrong.
Hi Jennifer!
The picture of Eeyore - the poster-boy for “woe is me”…perfect for the gloom and doom you’re talking about here.
I used to be like this way too much earlier on in my life. I looked at life, not with the abundance with which I was blessed (living in a world where I have a computer, running water, a roof over my head, gainful employment, family, friends - is much more than so many have) - but instead with scarcity (I don’t have a new car, I have a smaller house, I have no friends, I’m not an athlete, I don’t have any money…).
I didn’t “see” that many of the things I considered negatives — were my own doing — and all I did was complain that life hadn’t given me a fair shot, that life wasn’t fair, that nothing will ever change. And, indeed, it wouldn’t change - unless I consciously chose to change it.
Which I have. I now look at life with through the lens of abundance - and what a difference! The “Eeyore” in me has been put into the closet (sure, he still sneaks out once in a while) and I really work at focusing on the good in my life, and the good that can be! Finding the greatness within me. It’s there in all of us - I truly believe this - we just need to find it - and it’s not the same for everyone. But it’s there - waiting to get out - I say let it out! Be great! Live life with the abundance that is yours (and mine) (and everyone’s) to have!
And, Jennifer, thanks so much for the link back to me - I am honored to be included here!
Lances last blog post..Fear: Does It Hold You Back?
Hi Jennifer - I don’t think I’ve read the book you mentioned before but I’ve definitely done the self pity thing before. When I’d had PTSD for a little while, I had this stupid idea that I’d lost part of my life, so it had ruined my future.
I wasted so much time thinking there was no hope instead of focusing on all the years I had left.
Eeyore (I mean Ari
)Yes, I think what you are talking about is different. A person should never deny hurt. I don’t encourage that at all. Denying it is what causes the emotional build up. We all get hurt, although as I grow I find that much fewer things bother me and upset me. Anytime something upsets us we should acknowledge our pain and our feelings. I used to wallow in my hurt, but I’m not sure anything good ever came of it. I just wallowed and didn’t learn anything. Now, I acknowledge things and then process them without wallowing. I can see how it COULD possibly be constructive for some personalities anyway if it is allowed for a certain amount of time - only for the purpose of moving it out of one’s system and then choosing to learn and grow from it.
The “poor me” habit is certainly a destructive lifestyle!
Dr. Nicole, I have to admit if I was studying for 14 hours a day, it would be very easy for me to get into the “poor me” mindset. That’s a great perspective you took on. I bet your grandmother is/was so proud of you! I bet you learned a lot from her.
Davina, I’m so glad you don’t choose to stay there. Just that reminder that you’re selling yourself short goes a long way. When we choose to learn from it, that’s when we know we’re getting there (or are there). Thanks for sharing that.
You are so true that getting down on ourselves for feeling down only makes things worse. We are human. It happens. We have to give ourselves a break sometimes.
Lance, isn’t it amazing what a change in mindset from scarcity and woe is me to one of gratitude, abundance and responsibility can do. It never ceases to amaze me! I’m glad you discovered it as well. Going from life has dealt me a poor hand to “Oh I could have changed all this.” was a very defining moment in my life. I’m right there with you.
I’m glad you keep Eeyore in the closet. And I know you are too. It beams from you and I love it! I just love your last paragraph. It’s worth reading 1000x over. It is all within us, just waiting to jump out, but only if we put Eeyore in the closet. We all have so much to offer the world. What encouraging words you have written!!!
Cath, I’m so glad you learned to change your focus. Many things can be very hard to deal with, but with a change in attitude like you have mentioned, everything changes. We can allow things to rob us of our life and happiness or we can work to think on the good things and the great future we have ahead. There is hope. I hope everyone recognizes that. Thanks for your comment.
I feel like this a lot, thankfully fleetingly and I’m back to happy again.
Jannie, welcome!! I’m glad it’s a fleeting thing to you.
Even before I became somewhat enlightened I never thought this way. Was it because I’m first born, practical or maybe because I’m simply and optimist. There is a down side to being so positive and that is that some folks accuse me of being in denial or of being unrealistic. There loss! I’m glad you turned things around Jennifer.
Tom Volkar / Delightful Works last blog post..Experimenting For Fun and Profit
Tom, I’m glad that you never experienced the misery.
You do seem like an optimist for sure. Yes, it’s definitely their loss if people see you in a negative light. They likely see you that way because they are jealous. Just keep it up (but, I don’t think I need to tell you that.)
“Feeling that you are stuck in a situation is a pretty good sign that you are participating in the poor me thinking error.”
Thank you for that awesome pointer! I’m definitely going to remember that one.
Oh, and the book recommendation on “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind” is fantastic and I’ll second that recommendation as well. I’ve done some of the author’s seminars as well and they are also excellent.
Ariel - You Are Truly Loveds last blog post..How Would You Live If You Were Totally Fearless?
Ariel, I have looked into going to some of the seminars, but have not done so. I would love to hear your input on what you learned and it’s impact on your life. Feel free to contact me through the contact form to share more info. Thanks again for stopping by and for adding to the discussion.
This is such a powerful concept. Feeling sorry for yourself starts you on a downward spiral that can effect your relationships, your work, your attitude and motivation and even your health.
Well constructed post, I heartily agree with your thoughts.
Rosss last blog post..Be inspired in troubled times
Ross, welcome! Thank you for stopping by.
You stated that very well… A “feeling sorry for yourself” attitude affects every aspect of our lives in a negative way. It’s really not worth it to do that to ourselves, is it!?
Glad you enjoyed the post.
Eeyore is the perfect poster boy! The biggest way I avoid the indulgent pity party is remembering how annoying it can be to have an Eeyore friend. I don’t mind being the supportive cheerleader for friends who really need the extra love or care, but dude, I don’t want to have give a pep talk before the person will even attempt to try something fun. (”Dude, Eeyore, I’ll pin your tail on, let’s just go!”)
Being a downer is so tempting, but I try to refrain out of respect to those around me. I try to remember that they’ve got problems and worries, too, and don’t need to baby me just because I broke a nail.
Sara at On Simplicitys last blog post..Handling Feedback Elegantly and Easily
Sara, welcome! That is a great reminder to not do the pity party thing. Really, who wants to hear it. We don’t like to hear it from others, so why would anyone else want to hear it from us? I like how you brought up the respect idea. If for nothing else, it is great to refrain from a pitty party out of respect for others. Good thoughts, Sara.
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