Have You Told Yourself this Lie?
blaming, happiness, inner peace, thinking errors October 30th, 2008Have you ever been blamed for something you did not do? Have you ever blamed someone else for something they did not do? Have you ever blamed someone for making you mad or miserable?
We have taken quite a long break from our thinking error series because there were other things that I wanted to write about. We’re coming back to this very powerful series because it is just that - VERY POWERFUL - if learned and mastered. Somehow when I really see these for what they are - LIES - that really helps me to avoid them. I think to myself, “Why would I tell myself a lie and make myself miserable?” It just doesn’t make sense. A lot of the time that’s all it takes for me. Not all the time, but often.
Changing my reality to see the truth changed my life so dramatically that I wonder why I ever told myself lies to begin with. The truth is that I did not know better. I’m so glad that I now do. And when the lies do pop up now, I can recognize them and then tell myself the truth. I’m human just like everyone else - Sure the lies still try to present themselves to me, but not as often and having the skill to recognize them is priceless - absolutely priceless!!
Photo by: loufi
If you take the time to master accurate thinking you too WILL see incredible changes in your life. But IF, and only IF you take the time to master it.
If you have missed the first few posts in the thinking error series be sure to check out these posts: Labeling and Jumping to Conclusions, Filtering out the Positive and Polarized Thinking, Over Generalization, Mind Reading and Personalization, and Maximizing and Minimizing.
So now let’s take a look at another thinking error that many people engage in:
10. Blaming - Placing blame on others or things and finding fault.
We hear it from children all the time: “He started it.” “No, she started it.” But, do we really grow out of it as adults?
I would like to pass along something that I learned after many years of living in constant blaming mode: I became a MUCH happier person when I took responsibility for my life, feelings, thoughts and actions and did away with blaming. It wasn’t easy, but I was determined!
Of all the thinking errors that I learned to recognize and change to accurate thinking, I believe that blaming was the one that had the biggest impact on my life. Before learning about blaming, I was heavily engaged in this error. I blamed my husband a lot. I blamed others. I did almost anything not to take responsibility for my thoughts, actions or anything that happened. Often, it would even be obviously clear that they had nothing to do with what happened, but I still did it.
After learning about the thinking error of blaming I went on a mission to eliminate it completely from every part of my life. It has been SO liberating!! In fact, out of this mission was born my favorite quote:
“You can blame others (or things) for your unhappiness or you can be happy.”
Examples:
Blaming is typically seen a lot in the work place. Something goes wrong and the fingers start pointing - whether it be another person or another department - the blame is passed around. No one wants to take responsibility. Have you ever seen this happen?
In my family when I was growing up, somehow everything was my brother’s fault. For some reason, he got blamed for things he had absolutely nothing to do with, continually. Fortunately, he has turned out to be a wonderful man. A lot of times this happens in families. One person is picked to place the blame on for everything. It is just so easy to not take responsibility and pass it on to someone else.
One of my favorite examples of blaming is found at the very beginning of the Bible. Adam and Eve are in the garden. God had told them not to eat the fruit of a certain tree. Satan lied to Eve and said it was okay. Eve ate it and gave some to Adam to eat as well. When God asked Adam about what he did, he said, “It was that woman that YOU gave me. She told me to eat it.” So Adam blamed God AND Eve immediately. Then when Eve was confronted she blamed Satan - i.e. - “The Devil made me do it.” Ever heard that one?
Your turn:
How do you currently see blaming in your life?
I’d love to hear how blaming has affected your life or how you have seen it effect others. What are some examples you can share?
This week, count the number of times you place blame.
October 30th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Well, I see two sides to this.
First, yes, absolutely — I place blame on others. Marriage is an easy scapegoat, as we have a lot of expectations on our spouses. But I am guilty about it at my work, too. I tend to blame my employers for “not using me correctly.” I expect them to be understanding, I expect them to be supportive, I expect them to challenge me to be the best.
Well, I have become aware that *I* ought to be the one making such initiatives, not my employer. It’s just easy to fall into this trap, because when you work on anything that’s really not your passion, you tend to feel used. And resentment builds, and you start blaming.
But it takes two to tango, and I need to be showing that I can do more, and that I can take initiative, and that I am grateful for being employed. Because that’s really all true. When it comes down to it, I am grateful that these people see value in what I have to offer enough to pay me a good salary. I was simply overlooking my half.
On the other hand, I have been in situations where I get blamed for things that are not my responsibilities, but I let them blame me to avoid escalating the confrontations. Actually, there were times when I took on the blame willingly, mainly to show how humble, honest and admirable I was. How manipulative! Insecurity can drive us to resort to all kinds of little tricks and hacks to put up favorable fronts. I was so petty….
All that said, I am happy to report that much of that is in my past. Traces of those ugly habits still remain, but their frequencies and degrees are nothing compared to what it used to be.
ari
Ari Koinumas last blog post..Why Passion Can Feel Like a Burden
October 31st, 2008 at 11:47 am
Ari, great comments and examples. It is difficult to work in a place where you don’t have passion for what you’re doing. Unfortunately, people in the work force in America are not typically appreciated very much. It’s easy to feel resentment in those situations. It takes a strong mind to step up and do your work exceptionally anyway. But, sometimes that’s what it takes. (Sometimes it’s just best to find another work environment) Sure, you could keep blaming them for not using your talents, but YOU were the one who said yes to the job offer and you also have the choice to walk away from it. Sure sounds like they could be better people to work for, but to blame them for you being unhappy takes away your choice - your choice to be happy anyway and to find another job IF you wanted. I’m not saying your should… Just stating the facts of your choice. I know I would also find it difficult in that situation, but don’t we grow when we are challenged! Take that initiative, like you said. You will feel better about yourself, even if they don’t appreciate your efforts.
Certainly putting ourselves in the martyr role starts with our own misery and will only lead to more misery. I would say from what I know about you that you have put that behind you. Developing a strong self confidence and using assertiveness skills can be very helpful to get out of that trap.
Thanks again for these great examples Ari.
October 31st, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Hi Jennifer, what a wonderful post. I took upon the task of taking responsibility for my life when my last relationship ended and I began a journey to self awarness and enlightenement. I pretty much blamed my previous partner for just about everthing, if something happened at work I blamed him for giving me the wrong advice. If I fought with my mother I blamed him for not stopping me from visiting her because “he knows that we always get into arguements when I visit her” and I blamed him for the fact that I was smoking more and my weight was increasing. Fortunately he had the good sense to leave me and it was the best thing he could have done for me because I was then forced to see the ‘truth’. It was ALL my fault. After I realised this, with the help of a many great teachers like, Wayne Dyer and Iyanla Vanzant, I was able to go to my ex and apologise for not taking responsiblitly for my life, this along with forgiving myself was one of the most liberating moments in my life.
Now I am relaxed, happy and in control of my emotional and physical well being. Yes I may slip from time to time, but being able to recognise the behavior is knowlege I would not give up for the world.
Carol Kings last blog post..Using The Law of Attraction And EFT To Heal A Verruca
November 1st, 2008 at 5:52 am
“I’m human just like everyone else…” — so there, I learned something new about you today Jennifer (just kidding!!)!
Blame. I’m thinking first of a situation where I did it right. At work this past spring. We were going through a major update to some software we use. I was leading the project. And we had one custom piece of the software which got missed in the upgrade (and a very important piece to many people). Not something I used, however - I accepted responsibility, and then took it upon myself to work at getting the situation fixed. I could have blamed the software company since they knew what we had. I could have blamed one of our department supervisors, since his group uses this piece of the software. I could have blamed our whole team of people on the upgrade process. Instead, I accepted the blame myself (I was the project lead) - and then worked to quickly get it resolved. So, instead of spending time pointing fingers at whose fault it was, we instead worked to quickly get a solution in place. Had blame been placed elsewhere - I know we would have spent more time getting a solution, and feeling would have been hurt. Instead, people were inconvenienced for a few days, and then everything was back to normal. As much as I didn’t want to take full responsibility for this, I had a meeting with our president, and came right out and told him that I had dropped the ball on this one - and instead of getting into an argument about whose fault it was - we buckled down and spent the time coming up with the solution.
A situation where I did it wrong. It is so easy to do this in our personal lives, isn’t it. In this case, I’m reminded of a birthday party we had for one of our kids. It was a sleepover a couple of years ago. In the morning, most of the boys had basketball practice, although two boys did not. My wife told the other parents that we could just drive the boys home (who didn’t have practice) on our way to practice. I was taking the boys to practice, and so I gathered them up in the morning. It took a while to get them all loaded with all their stuff, and we were quickly running late. In a rush to the last boys house who I was dropping off, I ended up rear-ending another car at a stop sign. Not a lot of damage, but enough to the other car that he had to take it in for repairs, and we had to pay for it. And I started off, especially in my mind, of blaming my wife. Because she had told the other parents we would take the boys home, when they could have easily came to pick their children up. How foolish! I could have left earlier. I should have paid better attention on the road. I could have arrived a few minutes late to basketball. And none of this was her fault. She wasn’t even there, or involved - and I blamed her!
I’m getting better at accepting responsibility for what I do - and you’re right Jennifer - it is so liberating!
So…I think this makes me human too…
Lances last blog post..The Soundtrack of Our Lives
November 1st, 2008 at 11:00 am
Jennifer what a great message!
I think I realized this a few years ago especially after reading Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth.
Indeed the lies we tell ourselves are infinite. “I have to do this…” and “I have no choice but…” and the list goes on and on. We limit ourselves so much in life and stress ourselves like crazy due to the lies we tell ourselves each day. If we could only step back and just “Choose another story” at least to tell ourselves, one that would at least empower us and not disempower us.
As far as the blame thing goes, I see this the most in the areas of health, people blame God, the government, their genetics, their parents….heck even the weather for poor health, but nowhere in their are most of them willing to look within and change their habits, ways, etc. For some reason and again not empowering at all is to look externally and blame others instead of doing something about whatever you want yourself.
Evitas last blog post..Heroes of Healing: James Arthur Ray
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:56 am
I still tell myself this lie. It’s an easy defense mechanism that I fall back on. I’m learning to let go by mentally stepping back and reminding myself that the other person sees the situation from their perspective and that’s okay too.
For example when I’m driving and someone needs to make a left in front of me and I get caught behind them. I get mad that they weren’t quicker in their decision to make the turn, causing me to take longer to get to work.
When this happens now, I try to notice it right away. Accept this circumstance then move my focus to something more peaceful. I may do this by imagining a woman in the car in front of me just trying to get home with a car full of groceries or I may shift my focus to a tree swaying in the wind. I try not to get too caught up in my attachment to the situation. This technique has helped me out in many difficult situations.
Karl Staib - Work Happy Nows last blog post..A Steve Pavlina Interview on How to Build Your Career
November 2nd, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I agree with Karl. When I used to see a car overtaking mine, I used to get mad. A friend of mine pointed out that it’s possible that the driver is in hurry for the fear of getting fired or worst to see someone who is in critical condition. Since then, I do not allow myself to get angry or unhappy.
Shilpan | successsoul.coms last blog post..3 Reasons to Reject the Culture of Consumption
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Hi Jennifer - I’m guilty of all those types of blaming I’m afraid. Only tonight, I asked my husband if he’d remembered to buy some coffee, knowing only too well that I’d forgotten too. Of course, I said, I can’t believe you forgot it. And he instantly replied - but you didn’t remind me. We both blamed each other, knowing only too well that he would be the one who’d pop out and buy some.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Hi Carol, thanks so much for sharing your story. That was a wonderful perfect example with a very happy ending. And I am so happy for your happy ending. I hope many people get to hear your story. I just want to say how proud I am of you for going to your ex and apologizing and I’m proud of you for seeing his leaving as such a blessing. Isn’t it soooo liberating to take responsibility!!! Sure we all slip, but at least with this knowledge we can catch ourselves and that is priceless!
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Lance, I was bound to be found out eventually.
I might as well go ahead and tell it. 
Those were two great examples you gave.
I love your first example. Your boss must have been so proud to have an employee like you to step up and take responsibility! You could have very easily blamed and it would have taken a long time to get resolved. It would have been the easy thing to do.
One of my teachers tells a story of how he took responsibility as a supervisor at work for something that one of his subordinates did. As a result the boss instantly went from intense anger to giving him a raise. It’s not going to happen every time, but it did happen to him.
Your second story reminds me of how I lived my life until taking responsibility. I did that kind of blaming on a daily basis. My life was a mess. I’m still making improvements, but it sure is better.
I want tell anyone else you are human.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Evita, welcome!!! I don’t think you’ve been here before?? Although your name seems familiar.
I haven’t read that book, although I’ve heard of it for sure. Maybe it’s one I will check out.
Your paragraph about the lies we tell ourselves is right on!! So powerful! And we do have the choice to “choose another story!” Isn’t that wonderful!!!
People do indeed blame in the ways you have described. They do it because it is easy and often because they don’t know any better. At least those were the two reasons I was so heavily engaged in this error. I was excused from all action. I didn’t have to do anything… And at the same time miserable.
Thank you for this great comment, Evita!
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Karl, it is easy indeed! But you are working on it and that is what matters. Keep at it.
That’s a good example you have shared with us. I used to do that a lot on the road. “If it wasn’t for this idiot in front of me, then I would have gotten where I was going in time, ” I would tell myself. The other person does see the situation differently and has their very own story that probably has nothing to do with you. I finally realized that if I”m running late, it is all my fault for not planning better and leaving earlier to get to my destination. I now try to tell myself before going somewhere that anything can happen and that’s okay. I’ll be okay. It really helps my attitude.
Like you have said, changing our focus goes a long way! If we look for peace in a situation we will find it. I think you were on to something with this sentence: “I try not to get too caught up in my attachment to the situation.”
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Karl.
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Shilpan, you had a very wise friend. I bet all your driving experiences are much better.
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Cath, that was good example. Thanks for sharing. I bet next time you’ll say, “I need to go buy some coffee.” or “Honey, I forgot to buy some coffee. Would you mind going to get some?” Now you have the tools. I certainly know all about blaming a husband. I’m glad he hung with me through it all. I’m sure I still slip it in somewhere here and there, but try very hard not to.
Thanks for your comment, Cath. It’s a great classic example.
November 5th, 2008 at 11:01 am
i hadn’t thought of things this way before.
when we place blame unfairly on others, we are telling ourselves a lie.
i do not think we do it knowingly.
often i think it is a defense mechanism.
either we do not trust the reaction we will get if we are truthful and accept the blame ourselves.
perhaps we do not have the self esteem to realize that things happen and they are not a reflection of who we are
perhaps we feel we will be judged harshly and our actions or lack of action will be held against us if we accept blame
whatever the reason, whether we know it or not, we are telling ourselves a lie, though. i hadn’t thought of that before.
we know that peoples’ recollections of an event rarely agree. i am sure that part of this is caused by the lies we tell ourselves and others — we must end up believing them at least partly.
i made myself a promise a while ago to never lie to myself. i used that promise to make some simple changes in my life. if i was never to lie to myself, and i told myself i would do something, i had to do it — otherwise i had lied to myself — the one thing i had promised to not do — an absolute in my life.
thank you for bringing this idea to me.
storms last blog post..i feel good
November 5th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Storm, yes, I think people lie to themselves unconsciously. It’s just something they’ve done for a long time and it’s what they know to do. They don’t even know it’s a lie. I think it is often if not always a defense mechanism to protect ourselves.
We also have to be careful not to blame ourselves for things that are not our fault. That certainly was not the intent here. People can easily get caught into that lie as well. Often things are not our fault (ex. - a victim of abuse), but we must take responsibility for our thoughts and how we react to it and what we decide to do about it nonetheless.
You’ve brought up some good thoughts here. It certainly does take a good sense of self esteem to take responsibility for anything, but also it works the other way around as well. Whenever we do take responsibility our self esteem grows. And people respect us (eventually anyway) and then our self esteem grows even more.
You are exactly right that people’s recollections of an event are different because of the lies they (we) tell ourselves. That’s what I’ve been saying in a lot of my posts lately. We lie to ourselves and we don’t even know.
I like the promise you made yourself. That’s what it takes to be a person of integrity. Now, you know even another way not to lie to yourself.
November 5th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
[...] (To check out the other thinking errors you can access all of them in the last post on blaming.) [...]
November 10th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Can we blame you for writing a great post, Jennifer?
You’re right about the blame game. It’s so easy to get caught up in it and so prevalent.
Have you ever heard of Ho’oponopono?
I remember hearing a story about this prison which held the worst of the worst criminals. They were never rehabilitated and the turnover of the staff was very high. No one wanted to stay there.
A guy came to practice ho’oponopono, a hawaiian healing practice. He never actually met up with the criminals, but he’d go to the prison and sit down in front of it for a few hours to do two things. First he would apologize for his role in creating this situation. Second he would tell each person he loved them. Basically he took full responsibility for the experiences in his life without blaming others.
What happened was truly remarkable. People started getting better. The staff started staying. The criminals started doing so much better, in fact, that within 3 years, everyone was released and the prison was actually closed!
If that’s not a powerful testament to the power of love and taking responsibility instead of blaming others, I don’t know what is.
Ariel - You Are Truly Loveds last blog post..How Would You Live If You Were Totally Fearless?
November 11th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Ariel, Welcome!! I’m so glad that you found Principles for Peace.
You can blame me all you want for this post and shedding some light.
I have heard of ho’oponopono. That is a very interesting story. Do you know if is it actually true? If so, that is very powerful. I’m curious as to what if any role he played in the creation of this prison. It sounds like he is taking responsibility for the prison and the prisoners actions… Do you have any more info. on this?
November 19th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
[...] thinking, overgeneralization, mind reading and personalization, maximizing and minimizing, blaming, self pity, gloom and doom, and [...]