Change Your Life One Thought at a Time - Part 5
Coffee, Peace, Raven's Brew Coffee, inner peace, thinking errors September 12th, 2008Before we get into this week’s thinking errors…..
This week marks a very exciting time for me. Since I changed my blog to WordPress my plan from the very beginning was to add an online bookstore and coffee shop here. I wanted a place where people could come and grow in a relaxing environment - a place where people would feel welcome and where they could sip on some coffee while they read. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I love bookstores and coffee shops. They are just so relaxing to me.
While there are still many more changes to come here, I would like to take this time to welcome you to the:
Principles for Peace Coffee Shop
Come on in and relax. Please use the contact page if you have any questions or would just like to say something. I would love to hear your feedback. Let me know if there are any changes you would like to see. This place is for you.
Currently, a portion of the proceeds from the coffee shop are going to support SFT Awareness. Eventually my goal is for the majority or all of the proceeds to go toward SFT.
There will still be the same great information here, just with the bonus of a coffee shop. Don’t forget there is also a bookstore here, so if you are looking for some great books, check out my recommendations.
At the end of the post you will learn about how you can win a FREE bag of coffee so keep reading.
On to the thinking error series:
How’s your thinking been? Do you notice yourself or others using these errors now? Hopefully you are learning to change the errors to accurate thinking when you notice them.
If you have missed the other posts in this series simply check out the last past and you will have access to all of them.
The two errors we will discuss today have been called the “binocular trick.” Read on to learn why…
8. Maximizing - making more out of events than they merit.
This thinking error is also referred to as magnification or blowing events out of proportion. Maximizing is what is taking place when you exaggerate the importance of an event, mistake, imperfection or fear. It can either be external (although the root cause will be internal) with some event that happened or it can be internal as you think about one or more of your weaknesses, etc.
Did you go bonkers when someone was two minutes late for something? Are you constantly blowing up at things that if you took a step back wouldn’t really be that big of a deal? This would be maximizing.
Dr. Burns gives a great internal illustration of maximizing in Feeling Good
“[Oh no!!] - I made a mistake. How terrible! How awful! The word will spread like wildfire! My reputation is ruined!”
You’re looking at your faults through the end of the binoculars that makes them appear gigantic and grotesque. This has also been called “catastrophizing” because you turn commonplace negative events into nightmarish monsters.
Tip: Take a step back. Put down the binoculars. How big or important is this really? Is the world going to come to an end because of it? Probably not.
9. Minimizing - making less out of events than they merit.
People also do this one internally and externally. Did someone you love die and you not bother to deal with it? That would be making less out of an exteranal event than is needed. Did you miss a game that was very important to your son and daughter and shrug it off when they confronted you? Those would be external events.
Dr. Burns talks about how people minimize internally:
When you think about your strengths, you may do the opposite [of maximizing] - look through the wrong end of the binoculars so that things look small and unimportant.
Dr. Burns goes on to say that:
If you magnify your imperfections and minimize your good points, you’re guaranteed to feel inferior. But the problem isn’t you - it’s the crazy lenses you’re wearing!
I remember one time I was infatuated with a guy. We dated for a while and then he broke my heart. I told myself that it wasn’t a big deal - that I was ok. I even told myself it didn’t hurt. I refused to deal with it. Boy, did I pay for that. I nearly fell apart eventually. With God’s help and a lot of work I was able to put myself back together finally. I greatly minimized the break up. If I was honest with myself to begin with, I would have said, this is something that hurts and I don’t like it. I need to take the time to process this.
FREE Coffee Competition:
To celebrate the kick off of the coffee shop at Principles for Peace I am offering a FREE bag of coffee to the person who gives the best real life example of either maximizing or minimizing (or both).
Here are the rules for the competition:
* To enter the competition, enter your comment at the end of this post.
* It must be a real life example of either maximizing or minimizing (can be both).
* It must include how minimizing or maximizing affected you (or someone else if that is the case).
* After identifying the thinking error replace it was a more appropriate accurate thought.
* Mention at the end of the comment if you want to be included in the competition with this phrase: “Include me.”
* Submit your comment by Monday night, Sept 15 at 11:59pm. Wednesday night, Sept. 17 at 11:59 pm CST.
* You must be a U.S. resident (currently shipping is only available to the United States.)
If you prefer you may use this format to help:
Example:
Effect:
Accurate thought:
Include?:
That’s it. The winner will be announced in next week’s post. Good luck!
All other comments are also welcome.
photos by Mark Warner and jlcwalker
Featured Coffee of the week:
Hmmm, I wholly agree with those concepts, but their names have more positive rings to me. I’d rather call is “overblowing” and “underestimating.”
One time I was fired from a job. Rightfully so — I was immature and doing a poor job. But it was a painful experience, and since that time, I took every criticism at any job as a sign that I was about to get fired. Talk about overblowing!
Soon I realized that what I was doing and soon I unlearned that script.
ari
Ari Koinumas last blog post..Bliss vs. Logic: Understanding Our Emotional Nature (Digest)
Dear Jennifer,
Congratulations on the grand opening of your Principles for Peace Coffee Shop! It is very welcoming and enticing.
David B. Bohl at SlowDownFAST.coms last blog post..Is This The Real Thing? 5 Questions You Can Ask To Find Out If Your Relationship Is The One
Good evening Jennifer. Once again, you’ve got me thinking about my thoughts and actions. And this one isn’t easy to write tonight. It began a couple of years ago, when I participated in a weekly group book discussion we had going on at our church over the winter. A small group of about six people. And, it brought us all close together while the study was going on. Closer than I had anticipated. It was a group that just seemed to really connect. One of the participants was an elderly man (the father to another member of our group), who lived in an elderly care facility - but came to these meetings always with his daughter. He was a wise voice, and this also became an opportunity for all in our group to really get to know him better. After this, I regularly spent time with him before/after church service.
Fast forward to about a year ago. He became ill, and was checked into the hospital. He was there for a couple of weeks. I thought — I should go and see him. But then, I minimized it. I’ll just talk to him when he’s back at church. And then he took a turn for the worse. Again, I said - well, he’s not just down the road, it’s a good 45 minute drive. And, it’s not like he’s “family”. I minimized it again. And then, he passed away. And I justified myself by going to the funeral. But, that’s not justification for time spent with someone. Although his family appreciated me coming to the funeral, I’m sure it would have meant more to both them and him had I visited him in the hospital instead of minimizing this relationship. To have been there in the moment, instead of after the moment. And, that’s I think where we see a lot of the minimization - in our relationships. That which means so much to us. And the thing we neglect more than we should…
Jennifer, I’m not really sure if I answered all the parts for the coffee giveaway, and that’s not why I wrote this. I wrote this because in writing it helps me to better understand and learn. But, I do love coffee, so include me.
Lances last blog post..I’m Famous!
Good job everyone one the comments so far - and thank you. I’m taking a little time away from the computer now, so just keep them coming.
Just a little note until I’m back…. Lance, you really made me think! I don’t know whether to thank you or be mad at you.
Sorry for you loss. I think we all have those regrets.
I have developed some worksheets with instructions to look for antisocial thinking patterns. They target “criminal thiking” but are useful for everyone who wants to look more closely at their counter productive thinking. It is on my website. There are no strings. I do not monitor who downloads the manual & I don’t market contact information.
Hi Jennifer,
The maximizer “thinking” error reminds me of our grown son, except he calls himself a procrastinating, exaggerating catastrophyer (sp).
One time he was visiting. We were in the living room, and he was in the kitchen when the cat brought in a live mouse. We heard him give out a yelp and then he started carrying on. He ran into the living room, waving his arms and excitedly said, “OMG, you should see what just happened in the kitchen. The cat brought in this HUGE mouse and ate it. I could hear the bones being crushed with every bite. Blood and guts sprayed all over the floor and walls. It’s a HUGE mess. I’m not going back in there until someone cleans it up.”
Well, as you may have guessed, it was a field mouse, and when I went into the kitchen, the only signs I saw of the “murder” was the smile on the cats face as she licked her lips.
I asked him to come into the kitchen. He did. When I asked him about the “blood and guts”, he found a spec (of something else on the wall) and said, “Well, maybe I exaggerated a little.”
That he did.
Although he now knows that maximizing events make them sound “unbelievable”, he still does it just to make a story funnier than it is. He’s a real clown.
Include me!
Jennifer - Congratulations. You have achieved another great milestone in your life — Princinples for peace coffee shop. What a wonderful way to blend act of compassion with something that we all love — coffee.
I’m proud of you for showing the world that you can achieve what you conceive.
Shilpan
Ari, what a great example you gave. I’m so glad you were able to recognize the problem and overcome that. That would sure make a person paranoid. Hey, you can call it whatever you want as long as it helps you.
Thanks David. I couldn’t help but think of you when I opened up the shop.
Lance, thanks so much for sharing that story with us. I know that was hard. I do think that most all of us have those regrets. I know I have had them. I think they are there to teach a lesson. They are there to teach us to do what’s important to us from that point onward. Well Lance you make me think too. I’m mad - just kidding. Thank you.
Welcome Abe! And thank you for that great information. I took a quick look. It sure looks like you have put a lot of time into that!! Wow!! Thanks again for sharing it with us.
Hi Barbara. That was a great story. Thanks for sharing that with us. You son sounds like a real drama king. I’m not sure if I’ve ever met a drama king before, but I’ve met plenty of queens - my niece being one of them.
Shilpan, thanks so much for you support and your kind words. They mean so much. Yes, whatever the mind can conceive it can achieve. It is true.
Hey Jennifer, so I made you mad! I smile…
Lances last blog post..The Impact We Have On Others
[...] came to the realization recently that I’m out of balance. Going back to last week’s post, I realized that I have minimized certain aspects of my life. I spend a considerable amount [...]
[...] (or should I say preconceptions?). The negative realities we create have as their foundation thinking errors, which we have at least partially [...]
[...] open my eyes. One problem was that sometimes I would recognize a thought and change it to a more accurate thought, but sometimes I would just try to ignore it. Tension collected in my jaws and shoulders as a [...]