Change Your Life One Thought at a Time - Part 4
inner peace, marital satisfaction, positive thinking, relantionships, responsibility, thinking errors September 4th, 2008As we continue our discussion of thinking errors and how to change our life by changing our thinking it’s important to remember that thinking errors are lies - lies we tell ourselves. And lies never bring about anything good. We get ourselves into a very tangled mess when we participate in them.
If you missed the first three posts in this series you’ll want to be sure and check them out here:
Labeling and Jumping to conclusions
Filtering Out the Positive and polarized thinking
So let’s move on to discuss two more thinking errors in which many people participate:
6. Mind reading: Concluding what others think and do without proof or being told by them
Who knows your thoughts? Only you and God. Who knows someone’s else’s thoughts? Only that person and God. Saying you know someone else’s thoughts is nothing more than false. Mind reading gets into people’s reasoning, motives and intentions - and almost always negatively. You say you know why someone did something (They did that because…….) Well, guess what? You don’t. Period.
The book, A Lasting Promise
the tendency to look for evidence that confirms what we already think is true about others or situations…… Once formed negative interpretations do not change easily. Even though we can be completely wrong in our assumptions, we will tend to see that we expect to see.
“Aha, just what i thought!” we might say to ourselves when we find what we think supports our assumptions even though it does not.
7. Personalization: Taking events and statements personally
Personalization is similar to mind reading and involves mind reading, but is on a personal note. If you participate in personalization then your self talk will go something like this: “They did that to intentionally hurt me.” or “I can’t believe they did that to me!” In many cases, the person didn’t even know you were upset by what they did, much less did it intentionally to hurt you. I’ve heard people say before, “That preacher preached that lesson just for me.” If you think that something was done toward you or because of you then you are participating in personalization. Talk about paranoia!!! If you think that everything is about you or done toward you then you are participating in personalization.
I have been the target of this error many times over. This used to be the one that infuriated me to no end. I still do not like it at all, but I’ve learned to see it as a problem on the other person’s end. I can’t control their thinking - only my thoughts and actions. It’s actually a sign of insecurity when someone participates in mind reading or personalization and will leave the person nothing less than absolutely miserable - guaranteed - every time!
What can be done about it?
The next time you start to think you know why someone did something, whether to you or to someone else or for some other reason, gently remind yourself that you don’t know unless you have been told by them (not even by someone else who says that they know).
A good rule is to always assume the best in someone until you have concrete proof otherwise. Ask yourself: “Is it possible that he/she could be thinking something else?”
Example:
I’ll leave you with this example of both mind reading and personalization from A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage
ALFRED: You left the car out again.
EILEEN: Oh, I guess I forgot to put it in when I came back from Madge’s.
ALFRED: (with a bit of a sneer) I guess you did. You know how much that irritates me.
EILEEN: (exasperated) Look, I forgot. Do you think I leave it out just to irritate you?
ALFRED: (coldly) Actually, that is exactly when I think. I have told you so many times that I want the car in the garage at night.
EILEEN: Yes, you have. But, I don’t leave it out just to tick you off. I just forgot.
ALFRED: If you cared what I thought about things, you’d remember.
EILEEN: You know that I put the car in nine times out of ten.
ALFRED: More like half the time, and those are the times I leave the garage door up for you.
EILEEN: Have it your way. It doesn’t matter what reality is. You will see it your way no matter what I say.
I have participated in both mind reading and personalization. Have you? I’m having trouble thinking of a good personal example to share. What examples can you think of?
photo by: chaps1
Ouch. That example bites — because I’ve played both parts before. Does the book have any example of how to respond correctly to a mind-reader/personalizer?
You know, what these thinking errors bring up is that the world is made up of a lot more unknowns and uncertainties than we’d like to think. Look at them: over-generalization, jumping to conclusions, mind-reading — these are all attempts to reduce the great mysteries into neat, digestible assumptions.
Why do we do that? I guess it’s because the fear of unknown is so great. A lot of hurts we experience in life are unexpected, so maybe we jump to the conclusion (there we go again!) that unknown = terrifying.
But really, life sometimes gets more stressful when you do know what’s going on. Because as these thinking errors indicate, what you know CAN BE wrong. And this causes anxiety, big time.
It really points to our need to make friends with uncertainty, doesn’t it? I wrote about that a while back (http://ourbestversion.com/2008/06/making-uncertainty-your-friend/) but re-reading it, it doesn’t really encompass the full implication of what it means. I guess I have to mull over this for a while and take another shot at it.
Thanks for giving me more material!
ari
Ari Koinumas last blog post..Setbacks: Growth Is Not a Linear Curve
Jennifer - We do this type of mental modeling everyday without knowing that we are creating negatively bias opinion towards others including the ones we love most. The best way to live life is to learn tolerance.
Shilpan | successsoul.coms last blog post..Charlie Chaplin’s Guide to Picking Yourself Up When Life Knocks You Down
Ari, I too have played both sides. It truly does get you no where does it! That book doesn’t really give information on what to do if you are on the receiving end of it. However, I would suggest this guest post I submitted for the Positivity Blog on Assertiveness. Approaching that person in humility is key.
If it’s someone that you have done mind reading too, you might first admit that you have done that to them and apologize and go from there. Use whichever disarming statement you feel comfortable with. Assertiveness is your responsibility and allows you to get your needs met without offending the other person. However, remember that you can not control the other person’s thoughts or actions. Not continuing to argue about it after you are assertive is key and makes a big statement to the other person.
I think you are right that we jump to the conclusion that unknowns are terrifying. I think it’s a way we attempt to protect ourselves from hurt. However, it’s only when we deal with the hurt and process it that we can move on. Otherwise it keeps lingering on and effecting us in a negative way.
My question is: Do we really always need to know what’s going on? I think it’s a confident person who doesn’t always have to know. It simply causes undue stress to always have to know.
I’ll take a look at your post. I’m sure it will provide some helpful insights.
Shilpan, yes, people get caught up in this one a lot - and don’t even realize it as they seek facts to prove it or confirm it. Tolerance is an important lesson to to learn for sure - along with assuming the best in people - esp. those we love.
This is excellent stuff and strangely enough at the core of NLP!
Mind reading causes more problems than almost anything else yet we’re ALL guilty of it. All we can do is keeping dragging it into our conscious awareness and dealing with it very sternly indeed, maybe even with a big stick
Tim Brownsons last blog post..Are We Friends?
Yes Tim, we probably all do it. Raising our consciousness and breaking out the “big stick” will keep us moving in the right direction.
I must learn more about NLP…
I agree that mind reading is one of the worst negative tracks to run down. I think this is one of the most common mistakes that we all make. The older I get, the less and less I care what other people think, usually if it is negative it is because they don’t understand. It is strange for me entering the medical profession during a time where alternative medicine is still widely criticized and under the microscope. I have run across a few very negative people on the internet, and I have concluded that their only rationale for their thinking is that they just don’t understand. There is no reason for me to worry or mind read it.
Still, every now and then it will get me down, get me to stop writing, or draw me away from the blog, until I remember that there are still so many people that don’t have access to this philosophy of health care that I am actually providing a disservice by not continuing forward with this project.
p.s. Glad to be back on your blog again Jennifer, what a wonderful post to return to!
p.s. s I am proud to say that I am Tim’s friend up there on his latest post. I made the list! Phew…it was a close call and now I will have to be on my best behavior when entering the discomfort zone
Dr. Nicole Sundenes last blog post..I Have a Dream: 45 Years to American Health Care
very useful
positive and helpful guidance. nicelydone. thanks.
Jennifer, I think these are easy thinking errors to fall prey to. Just today at work, I had an example of this. From probably both sides (one mine, unfortunately). I’ve been very busy at work. Someone asked me to do something for them. I told them I would. That was in the morning. By mid-afternoon, it became an issue because I had not completed it yet. The other person’s reasoning was that I forgot, or didn’t consider it a priority (not the case - I just had many other things going on) — Mind Reading –. Then, I took this personally that someone would think I didn’t care. — Personalization — And I did this all on assumption from what I had heard second-hand. I didn’t actually talk to the person. So, there is no way I could read his mind based upon that (or read it at all for that matter). I was upset for his thinking I didn’t care. He was upset because I hadn’t completed it as fast as he had wanted. And had we actually talked, and really understood each other - none of this would have happened. I’m glad to say that in the end, all was good. But thinking errors on both our parts led to a very unhappy couple of hours.
How often does this happen? Even on smaller scales? Or where we don’t even realize we’re doing it. I’m sure it does. These are thinking errors that can be so easy to create. I think we really have to be careful here - it can quickly become a habit to read minds, or personalize - and that does lead us down a trail we really don’t want to go.
Lances last blog post..Lost In This Great Big World
Yes. I agree with Tim. Your series of articles form the very core of NLP.
BTW, I am an avid mind reader. Being one has landed me in a lot of problems before. I used to “mind read” my husband and mistook his intentions. Stepping aside from my ego-centric mind is something that I need to learn even to this day!
Evelyn Lims last blog post..An Enchanting Vision From My Angels
Thanks for all your support and great comments everyone. Thanks for making this such a great series. I’ve been been out of town and busy for the rest of the day. I will respond back to you ASAP.
A lot of these problems are due to people mistaking their inner, created reality for the “real” reality out there in the world. So many people take what they percieve, and their first reaction to things as the truth. In all situations, its great to step back and look at things in a balanced manner before jumping to a conclusion. Love the series!
Steve Millss last blog post..Drugs Don’t Work? Try A Cosmic High…
Dr. Nicole, welcome back. I’ve missed you. That’s a good point you brought out about people thinking negatively because they don’t understand. That is often the case. Many people are closed to alternative medicine because they simply don’t understand and it goes against everything they have ever known - you get sick you take a pill to treat the symptoms. They never thought to try to understand the cause of the illness and to remove or treat that. I think we should celebrate the strides “alternative” medicine has made. We need people like you to keep helping us to understand more. So glad you’re back!
Tzu, welcome!!! Glad you found the information helpful. Look forward to having you around.
Lance, that was a great example of mind reading and personalization and jumping to conclusions. It’s amazing how if we clear those thinking errors out of the way, train ourselves to have accurate thoughts and simply do some effective communication then things go so much better.
You always share such great examples. Thanks so much!
Evelyn, mind reading is something I still sometimes catch myself in and have to remind myself - “Hey, hold on here. I don’t know what they’re thinking.” It’s such a relief to realize I don’t know and that I don’t even have to know!
Steve, welcome!!!! So glad to have you around and so glad you are enjoying the series. That is so true what you said. It’s the second time I have read that same thing today and the third time I have read that in the last two days. The other instance where I read that today was in a temperament book. It said that the brain can’t distinguish between a truth and a lie. It just accepts whatever you tell it. I think it would be more accurate to say that our subconscious (instead of our brain) can’t distinguish, because when we raise it to consciousness we can reason and see the difference - although it might take some effort. Indeed all thoughts should be tested for accuracy. Stepping back and taking an objective look can go a long way!
[...] you have missed the other posts in this series simply check out the last past and you will have access to all of [...]
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[...] 6. Mind reading: Concluding what others think and do without proof or being told by them [...]