What’s Holding You Back?
Big Picture, Listening, Peace, evaluation, focus, goals, happiness, inner peace, positive thinking, success, wisdom June 13th, 2008Have you ever wanted something so bad you just couldn’t stand it? Have you ever wondered why you just can’t achieve something or move forward? You want something or you set goals, but no matter how hard you try you just can’t get there? You’re not alone? There have been many times in my lifetime when I set goals and I could never seem to reach them. One goal after another and nothing, nothing. Very frustrating to say the least.
I have been thinking about a question related to this now for several weeks. It has pervaded my mind and I keep thinking about it. So I posed the question to my husband a week or so ago. Do you have to figure out what is holding you back from acheiving something in order to acheive it or can you simply make a goal and be so focused that you acheive it? My husband thought for a moment and then said, “I don’t know.” Later he said to me “Honey, I think you’re becoming a philosopher with some of the questions you ask me.” :) I certainly never thought of myself as a philosopher, but I do enjoy thinking and figuring things out now - something I never took the time to do earlier in my life.
My conclusion, from years of expereience, is that yes, you have to recognize and figure out what is holding you back from accomplishing something and work to process and remove that thing so that you can move forward. Everyone may not agree with me here, and I’d love to hear what you have to say if you don’t.
Do you want inner peace and happiness? Do you want success? Do you want to be the best at something important to you? Do you want to leave a legacy? What is stopping you? That is what I want us to discover.
How do I figure out what is holding me back?
* Look deep and ask the quesion, “Why?” Now there are two ways to ask the question, “Why?” One way says, “Why me?” or “Why is this happning to me? (or why did this happen to me?)” In other words, “poor pitiful me.” The other way to ask “why?” is to ask it in order to find the answers to what is holding you back and what you can learn from it. This could be in the form of “Why am I not reaching my goals? What is holding me back? How can I learn from it and change it so that peace can prevail or so that I can move forward to reach my goals?
* Realize that when you ask the question “Why?” that it is probably something deep burried in your subconscious mind. This is not always the case, but often it it. Nonetheless, it is something you are doing or not doing that is holding you back. It is your weaknesses that you are not aware of. Keep looking deeper and deeper and asking “why?” over and over again until you figure out the answer. In Jeffrey Liker’s book, The Toyota Way
* Beliefs are usually the things that are holding you back. When you find these beliefs the next questions to ask are “Why?” (yes, again!) Why do I hold these beliefs? Where did they come from? Are these beliefs real or accuarate? Now that I see these beliefs what can I learn from them? How can I change my thinking in order to change my beliefs, in order to accomplish what I want? How can I use this information to help me have peace of mind and/or success at something?
* Understanding how beliefs work can go a long way. Beliefs form habits, habits that we are often not even aware of and these habits dictate your actions and your entire life without you even realizing it is happening. You see, no amount of positive talk can get you where you want to be if you have negative beliefs burried deep within you telling you the complete opposite. Uncover and remove the negative so that you can believe the positive. Once you believe it you can acheive it as Napolean Hill says in his time tested best seller book, Think and Grow Rich. 
One of the reasons I like Dr. Nicole so much is because she uses the “why? approach to physical problems. She digs deep asking why, why, why til she gets to the root of the problem, exposes it and there finds the solution. She figures out what is holding people back from good health. This is evident in her post about McInflamation and Tell Me What’s in Your Shopping Cart and I’ll Tell You What Is Wrong with You.
* Often the beliefs burried deep within you that are holding you back are fears. Benny Greenberg is doing an excellent series on this topic of fear now which helps to reveal those fears that you may have hidden deep within you. Recognizing these fears and learning to replace them can go a long way towards helping you have the life that you want - that peace of mind we all want.
In the next few posts we will discuss some tips and some more things that hold us back along with the things that we can do to overcome them.
In the meantime, this is open for discussion. I would love to hear what you have to say about all of this. What are some things that you have figured out that has held you back?
June 13th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Wow, this is a powerful (and philsophical) post.
I have some things to think about now. I’m at the point where I’m asking myself if I’m really (really) happy doing what I currently do. Now, I’ll add to that - what’s holding me back. This is good, and challenging…
Thanks for this powerful post.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Jennifer -
I can feel your exasperation for things that you dream but cannot achieve. You’ve articulated the reasons well. I’d like to add one more. Remember also the company you keep (No offense to your wonderful husband). Your family, friends and other social contacts. I have a guest post at Dumb Little Man that’s worth checking. Thanks for sharing your thoughts..
Shilpan
June 13th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Lance, I’m glad I’ve made you think. That was my purpose - to get everyone to think.
I wish all good things for you as you figure out what you want to do. Please keep us posted as you figure things out. If you need to share anything, please feel free to do so here.
Shilpan, how ironic that we both wrote a post about things holding us back. Good point about how the company you keep can hold you back! That can be huge! I’m off to take a closer look at your post now…
June 14th, 2008 at 7:30 am
Let me start with a point of disagreement/clarification, otherwise I feel sure Jennifer will delete my comment through sheer surprise and a belief that my account was hacked.
Why? is a poor question to ask somebody else but ‘potentially’ a great question to ask ourselves. If you can flip between the two and with ease then that’s cool. I can’t and have had to almost remove why from my vocabulary….almost but I’m still working on it.
The reason is that Why? is a really confrontational word when we aim it at other people. Not only that, but it carries negative connotations for a a few people and anchors them in childhood memories where they were asked by parents, teachers etc Why they had or hadn’t done this or that.
If you can change Why? to what, who, where, how etc then you change the confrontational nature of the question. What makes you think that? Who can help you with that? How can we help you achieve that? Suggest a more supporting environment and create an atmosphere where questioner and listener are working together rather than one thinking it’s the Spanish Inquisition, and let’s be honest, nobody expects the Spanish inquisition.
Try out the alternatives on yourself and see if it has any effect. It may or it may not, but it’s certainly worth a go.
The main premise of the article is excellent and I agree wholeheartedly that it’s usually our belief system that holds us back. I have been racking my brains as to whether it’s ALWAYS our belief system that holds us back and I can’t make up my mind. Anybody have a strong opinion on that?
June 14th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Excellent article!
It’s a great idea to inquire as to “why” we are not reaching our goal. However, there is always the danger of giving all our energy to the problem. Whatever we focus on expands … if all our focus is on the problem, it becomes all we see.
We also need to balance this inquiry by acknowledging everything within us that aspires to our goal - all the passion and joy that tries to move us forward. By doing this, we’re focusing on the solution as well as the problem at hand.
Blessings,
Andrea
June 14th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Tim, thanks for arguing. I’m really surprised that you didn’t argue more than that.
Thank you for the things you gave us to think about. I can definitely see how “why?” could be painful and hard for people as it may bring them back to painful childhood things. Maybe these people should take a different approach, but maybe they need to deal with those things and reframe them as you teach people to do. Just something to think about.
Yeah, I don’t know that I would just start asking other people that question. Good point there. Putting up a wall could be bad there. I like the other questions you suggest.
Like I tried to point out in the post, it’s all about the intention of the “why” as to whether someone will be effective in asking it.
Andrea, you brought up an excellent point in stating that there is a danger of giving all our energy to the problem. Thank you for bringing that up. I actually had that in some of my points at the end of the post and I realized my post was getting quiet lengthy, so I saved it for the next post.
I’ll go ahead and say it. DO NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK. That is dangerous. Suggest to yourself that you will figure it out and take 20 minutes to just let your mind wander. Remember our goal here is to move forward. See where it takes you and then move on to something else. Your mind must stay in the “moving forward” mode. Your subconscious will reveal the things that are holding you back in the right time. DO NOT AGONIZE OVER IT. That will only make it worse!
June 14th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
I very much appreciate the presentation here. Indeed, I think asking why is imperative - but it is also a process, and not something that usually happens overnight. It may be true, that a lot of self help material out there gives the impression that if you follow a few key points, you’ll be where you want in no time. However, I do not believe it usually works this way. Self change is done in steps. And sometimes it takes literally years. Part of the challenge is staying plugged in and always striving no matter what. But developing ourselves the way we seek can take a lot of time and even more effort. I recently wrote an article about a technique to help us succeed at our goals. I think it’s rather pertinent to this discussion: http://punintended.com/blog/a-method-to-be-your-best/
June 14th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Jennifer: I think that you should ask yourself “why” questions when something goes wrong so that you can learn from the mistake and not make it again. But I also think that you should set a time limit on how much time you’ll spend asking “why”. You can easily get stuck in an endless cycle of trying to understand why certain things happened. I think after a point you need to ask: How can I move on? What’s the next step? and so on. That’s my two cents
June 15th, 2008 at 11:55 am
I think you really hit at the crux of it with the two different types of “why.” (So true!) Even if we don’t come up with the right answer (or any answer), asking the right “why” should put us on a path to progress. The genuinely curious “why” doesn’t have any negative connotations for me; it’s just about learning, not accusing like the other “why” can sometimes be.
I would also add that it’s good to ask why when we move forward as well. Finding the reasons behind the positive is just as helpful.
June 16th, 2008 at 1:43 am
Hi Jennifer,
This reminds me of my grandchildren who at a certain age will ask “why” to everything. In some aspects they do make you think of the right answer, but on the other hand, they may be smarter than we think. They know to ask “why” and it isn’t until we get older that we start asking ourselves “why” again.
Oftentimes, I think we don’t achieve all what we want is due to fear of success and/or failure. Once we have that out of the way, we’re more apt to reach our dreams.
June 16th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I did really enjoy this post. It has been a mission of mine to always try to unlock the “what is holding you back” thing. I look deep within myself and always ask why did you and why didn’t you do that.” But as Tim mentioned - “why” does come off being very confrontational when you directly ask it to another - though there ARE times you must go that direction as well. In order to succeed at anything - you have to apply all your faith and desire behind that drive - but when you do run into the “I have not made it yet” you will be well served to ask yourself “why” - as you have the answers.
Ben
June 16th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Bamboo Forest, welcome! Well said about asking why being a process. Sometimes you may be able to ask why and get the answer immediately or almost immediately, but often it is a slower learning growing process. The key is to be open to the answer and not get bogged down in the problem, no matter how long it takes.
Marelisa, Welcome! I agree very much about the time limit. This allows us to begin the process of figuring things out while preventing ourselves from getting bogged down in our problems which will only make things worse. Like you are saying, the point is to learn, grow and move forward with it. What we are doing is giving our subconscious permission to figure it out and move forward.
Sara, Welcome! I used to get bogged down in the wrong why. I was focused on the problem and that was it. Asking the right why is the crux as you said. I love your point about asking why when we move forward. We need to know why we move forward so that we can keep doing it or even improve on it!
Barbara, that made me smile when you mentioned about your grandchildren asking why. I can just hear kids asking that over and over and over again. As adults, it can be so annoying to hear do that. But, maybe we shouldn’t let it annoy us. Maybe we should encourage it. If not, I think we are just teaching them not to think, but to just do, which is so often what we adults do. Maybe the reason we are so annoyed by it is because we are not thinking and we don’t know why we do what we do. Thank you for bringing up that point. Yes, I think it is often a fear of failure and/or success. It is crucial to get both of those out of the way.
Great discussion everyone!!
June 16th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Benny, thanks for your input. I really like how you try to help people uncover what holds them back. I think your series on fear is great to help us think about and remove those fears that do hold us back. I think it all depends on how you ask someone “why” whether it will be confrontational or not. I think it can be very confrontational, but if it is done in the right spirit, intention, attitude and tone of voice then I think it can be very helpful. However, if someone doesn’t want to be helped there is nothing you can do to help them.
June 17th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
my it has been a long time since I stopped by, sorry about that! But I popped in on a great post and a subject I was just discussing with a good friend. ( I just sent her this link by the way.)
One of the reasons that I think some people don’t meet their goals is because they make such huge ones and then sabatoge themselves instead of taking bite sized goals. Then they ask why and can’t figure out what they are doing wrong. It isn’t always a big deep dark problem its a management issue of biting off more than they can chew! Scaling back gives that feeling of building victory that snowballs into bigger and bigger successes.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Excellent thought here Wendi! I was just thinking of that yesterday, I believe. That is so true. Often we have very noble and attainable goals, but without breaking them down they are unatainable. Taking just a little time to break the goal down into smaller and smaller steps until it is something that can be done even in a few minutes or an hour keeps you moving toward that goal. Thanks for bringing this to our attention!
June 17th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
I’m the one to whom Wendi sent the post and boy did it hit home. I have a couple of goals right now that I’m trying to work on. I want to do a bike-a-thon in August that is a minimum of 20 miles, I want to lose weight and after I achieve those goals I want to start a family. So far I’ve ridden my bike 9 miles once in the last month and I’m not following my customized food plan. I feel like a failure already, even though Wendi says I am not, I have a hard time believing it.
Great Post, thanks for making me think!!
June 17th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Jenny, welcome! So glad you stopped by and so glad this post made you think. No, you are not a failure. I have thought that about myself many times in the past. Remember to learn from what’s holding you back. That’s the difference between a failure and winner. Winners lose and mess up all the time. They simply choose to learn from their hurdles and use it to move forward. Sounds like you have bitten off some big chunks that need to be broken down into smaller and smaller acheivable steps. Sounds like they may be what’s holding you back. Twenty miles is overwhelming. One mile the first day, adding annother mile each day thereafter sounds a bit more attainable. Apply the same principle to loosing weight. Small baby steps… You can do it!! Keep us posted! We can’t wait to hear your progress.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
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August 5th, 2008 at 7:50 am
So much terrific reading here, I will be back to read it all.
Great blog.
Brandi
August 7th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Brandi, Welcome! I’m glad you are finding this site helpful. I look forward to having you around!